Group Date

“Lights, camera, action.”

(but it was written in Spanish)

Prior to this date, Mykenna had been stressing hard (shocker), because each week she continues to go on group dates and miss out on one-on-one time with Peter. She was wondering if Peter even sees her. I can’t believe I’m going to tell this to Mykenna, but you clearly need to cry more. Peter’s attracted to tears the way sharks are to blood.

This group date took place on the set of a telenovela. In case you’re wondering what a telenovela is, it’s a soap opera when your remote has broken SAP button that somehow puts cast members in more real life situations than The Bachelor.

For this date, the girls were going to act out a telenovela with each girl given their own role. The telenovela was aptly called El Amor de Pedro, which I’m pretty sure loosely translates to The Man With A Tearful Lust.

The roles for this show went as follows:

• Peter was a pilot I think
• Sydney was a nurse
• Kelsey was a mistress
• Madison was also a mistress? I don’t know, I wan’t paying attention.
• Kelley was Peter’s abuela (or grandmother)

And of course…

• Mykenna was the maid

As you might imagine, this decision did not make Mykenna emotional at all. I say that with as much sarcasm packed into a sentence as humanly and grammatically possible. She was bummed to say the least. The entire “episode” she was in the background mopping floors and dusting stuff while she watched girl after girl have their scene with Peter, most of which ended in making-out. Including with Kelley, who oddly was casted as his grandmother. Kelley jokingly said, “In this instance, incest is best.” To which the girls in the house from Alabama agreed.

The entire “episode” ended with Mykenna getting her “scene” with Peter, to which he said, “It was you the whole time. I love you.” And they kissed, which had the same effects as Popeye slamming a can of spinach, because Mykenna was instantly energized. Her frown turned upside down. She was on cloud nine the rest of the date.

Later that night at the cocktail party, Kelsey and Peter had some one on one time, this time legally… without her escaping away during Peter’s reflect on the volcano time. As soon as they sat down, Peter poured them a glass of whine, which I’m sure Kelsey thoroughly enjoyed.

Then came Victoria P.’s time. Peter told her that she is probably “more secure and confident in us than I am.” Victoria didn’t know what he meant by that. So Peter said it in terms someone from Alexandria, Louisiana would understand, “I DON’T SEE YOU BEING MY WIFE!”

Victoria P. instantly reacted the way Peter would’ve reacted if you told him pilots were the cause of world hunger. In all honesty, this wasn’t a total surprise, because Victoria P. doesn’t really know how to date. This was the first time this season we saw her snap on Peter. And if she’s snapping on Peter during a fantasyland TV show, imagine how she’d react if he forgot to pick up eggs from the grocery store on his way home from pilot stuff. Not good.

She told Peter, “I worry for you” among other things, and then walked out to the car that was waiting for her, which I like to imagine was her Uber driver, Leon. Peter followed her out and told her he so glad he got to meet her, and that she’ll make someone really happy one day, which is exactly the thing a girl wants to hear literally seconds after getting broken up with on national TV ahead of an exhaustingly full day of travel back to the U.S.

Victoria P. went all Han Solo with it and responded by saying, “I know.”

Then we were given our first tearful backseat of the van shot, and it was a good one. The tears were aflowin’, which wasn’t exactly strategic on Victoria P.’s part, because had she cried that in front of Peter, he probably would’ve proposed on the spot.

Peter claimed it was hard to send her home, even though we all just saw that it really wasn’t. In fact, Leon was waiting and ready with her Uber.

Part of me was happy to see a Victoria go, just based on the sheer volume of Victoria’s this season had. But don’t worry, we still had another Victoria. And a Tammy. And well, #neverforget Eunice.

How was Peter ever going to move on? Oh, right, probably by making out with any of the other twelve women still left on the show. He pulled Madison out for one-on-one time next, while Tammy and Mykenna started getting into it.

If you have kept up with these recaps, you know I used to be Team Tam Tam, with my rooting interest planted securely on Mykenna… a.k.a. MYkenna. I think she’s cute, very sweet, very innocent, and well, very young. To which Tammy called her out on. Tammy lost all of my support in the last episode, and my support for Mykenna is probably very similar to the support Cincinnati residents have for the Bengals. Yeah, I’m rooting for her, but I know she has no chance of winning the Super Bowl.

Tammy called Mykenna immature. Mykenna disputed this claim, as did Kelsey, coming to her defense. Then again, at this moment, Kelsey probably would’ve sided with the Taliban if they were in an argument with Tammy. That’s how anti-Tam Tam she is right now. Tammy said, “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU KELSEY!”

Tammy didn’t think that Mykenna was there for the right reasons, and suddenly she became the Right Reason Police… of course. Tam Tam the Po Po. Mykenna swung back with a fierce verbal punch asking am I going to be another girl you bring up to Peter? Boom. Tammy tried to counter with a “Do you have any responsibility outside of this?” punch, but it was too late. Kelsey tried piling on Tammy, but Tam Tam walked out saying, “Bye, bitch! Be an alcoholic.” Look, Tam, you can say what you want, but when you start making light of girls drinking too much on this show, that’s when you creep into my lane, and I’m not having any of that.

While Peter was outside sucking Madison’s face, they overheard the girls yelling inside. Mykenna had one-on-one time next, and in my opinion, handled her time with Peter as anyone in her situation should. She addressed it, since obviously Peter overheard it, but then she quickly moved on without piling on or throwing Tammy under the bus any more than addressing what happened. That was polite. The Canadian way.

Click the arrow to move onto the second one-on-one date…