But just know, it’s all your fault guys. You did this to me.

So, I’m trying something new: focusing on one topic per post instead of the usual 5. لعبه القمار روليت On top of that, I get to try out my skills as a corny, play on words title creator. (Pretty good one today, huh? Get it? Cele”break” good times. Yea, you get it.)

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Thomas Levet won the French Open this weekend. So it only makes sense that to celebrate, he jumped into the pond. What happened after that is truly fascinating. He broke his shin, rose to the surface, posed for heroic pictures, giggled, and walked back to land. This man either has incredible pain tolerance levels, or is not a fan of embarrassing himself in front of thousands. Had this been a soccer player I think he’d still be violently rolling on the ground giving fans the impression death is imminent. Watch:

Count New Orleans Zephyrs’ first baseman Josh Kroeger among those who didn’t learn from Levet’s mistake. Following a walk off double by his teammate, Kroeger does his best Bill Gramatica and severely blows out his knee jumping for joy. (After spending 30 minutes trying to figure out a way to embed this video into this page I have given up. Just click that picture to the left.)

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Of all the dumb things I’ve seen Les Miles say/do, this is one of them.

How this man continues to recruit top talent and win games is beyond me. What could possibly be the reason for making this video?

I feel sorry for Jennie Finch’s new baby.

No, not because he will forever be known as the kid with the hot softball playing mom, but because she decided to name him…get ready…

Diesel Dean Daigle

Gah, just when we thought we found the world’s first normal, good looking, feminine softball player, she has to go off and name her baby Diesel Dean Daigle.

Still waiting on the WNBA version of Jennie Finch…

The moment you have been waiting all your lives for is almost here.

That’s no Photoshop magic folks. That’s an actual screen shot of my phone running a test build of the soon to be released to the Apple iTunes App Store, Korked Bats iPhone App. As you can see, this app will make it easier than ever to access all Korked Bats content in one place. All of our posts, tweets, YouTube videos, Tumblr stuff (I didn’t even know what Tumblr was until yesterday, but apparently we have a Tumblr site where we post behind the scenes stuff, photos and pictures that never make it to the site, and other random stuff you won’t get here on the website), and podcasts will be easily accessible to those of you cool enough to own an iPhone.

If you don’t have an iPhone, well, you don’t have an iPhone.

I’m not sure when the app will be available for download, as this entire process has been somewhat complex and hurts my brain. But we’re close! What more could you ask for from a blog who’s only source of revenue is the $0.10 a day we make off of the ads to your right?

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It would really suck to be Birdman right about now.

No, not because he looks like a buffoon, but because of this:

If you aren’t up to snuff on urban hip hop twitter lingo, what Mr. Man was trying to say (in this tweet composed prior to the conclusion of the NBA Finals) is that he placed a $2,000,000.00 wager on the NBA Finals in favor of the Miami Heat. He was planning to purchase himself a brand new whip (or car) to add to his ever growing collection of whips (cars) with the dividends such an investment would yield. He also reiterated to the public that he is the business and on one mula krazy.

Sorry I couldn’t completely translate that last part into proper English.

The Heat lost.

Todd Coffey probably isn’t a proponent of throwback jerseys.

There has GOT to be a couch cushion and two hand towels in that thing. And the pants, what’s going on there? Is he preparing for a flood? Honestly, if he didn’t have a beard he could easily be mistaken for a large, hideous woman with breasts and Capri pants. Well, actually, I guess he still could be. Let’s hope the Nationals don’t decide to bring this look back any time soon.

Somehow a story about Leonard Pope saving a child’s life is humorous.

So, this weekend Kansas City Chiefs TE Leonard Pope saved a child’s life who had fallen into a pool and was drowning. Yadda, yadda, yadda, great story, but not for Korked Bats. Well, that was until the mother of the child spoke to the Americus Times-Recorder:

“Leonard was inside, and he came out of nowhere and dove into the water without any hesitation, cell phone in his pocket and all.”

Wow, just wow. It’s selfless acts such as sacrificing a $100 cell phone to save the life of a human being that really show the selfless nature of humanity. Come on mother of child, did you really just mention the cell phone in pocket issue in your first sentence describing the event?

Then came this comment from the newspaper:

Pope was the only person at the pool party that knew how to swim.

It’s not a stereotype if it’s true.

Welp, these guys were wrong.

The above ad recently resurfaced from a 1997 Washington Post newspaper. If I’m not mistaking, he did indeed pick up some chicks in his green jacket, probably laid them on a par 5, and blamed his caddie for getting caught.

I wish bad things upon whoever invented this.

The commercial pretty much speaks for itself. I’m sure those people who were on the fence about whether or not to purchase one of these were convinced when the lady told us to make our dinner a wiener.

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Kickoff Alternatives

Special Edition

If you haven’t heard, Rutgers head football coach Greg Schiano has recently made his opinion known on the subject of kickoffs.

He wants to get rid of them.

It sounds crazy at first, but the more I think about it, the more I like it. If you think about it, why do we even have kickoffs? Because we always have?

“In the last 20 years, the size, the speed and the power of the players has grown so fast,” Schiano told SI.com on Monday. “The equipment and the bone structure haven’t changed very much. Something is going to give, right?”

For the most part, the rules haven’t changed much since your scrawny grandpa was considered a beast on his college football team. This isn’t an idea to take the toughness out of the game, but rather to cut back on life altering or even life threatening spinal injuries.

Schiano came up with the alternative of teams punting from the 30 yard line instead of kicking off. Or, they could opt to run a 4th and 15 play from the 30 if they wished to maintain possession (much like an onside kick).

I’ve come up with a few of my own ideas:

1. Duh, bring back the best part of the XFL.

While this may not solve the safety issue, at least it’d be something different. If you aren’t cool enough to remember, the XFL had one player from each team line up at the 30 yard line and sprint to a ball resting on the 50. Whoever gained possession first, earned possession for his team.

2. Kickoff from your own endzone. Only one man boy on the field, the kicker. Where the ball stops, the possession starts.

While this may not be as exciting as a kickoff, it bears striking similarities to my favorite part of pool, the beginning where you decide who gets to break.

3. Midfield sumo.

Each team can pick anyone on their roster to sumo wrestle at the logo on the 50. First player to be pushed outside of the logo loses.

So, what do you guys think? What would be a good alternative to kicking off? I’m sure you can come up with something better than what I just came up with.

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Monta Ellis voluntarily got this done to his body.

I’m not a fan of tattoos. I’ve never seen one that I thought looked good and I’d never entertain the thought of getting one on myself. With that being said, I may be a little biased against the picture above. But hey, I’m always biased so who cares. Monta Ellis decided it would improve his life to get a tree tattoo that covered his entire torso. He also decided to put a huge image of his child’s face in the tree.

Gah that looks so hideous.

Kyle Busch mixes work with personal life.

So, the other day NASCAR driver Kyle Busch was driving around in his car and decided to go 128 mph. Here’s the problem, he wasn’t on Autobahnen. He was in North Carolina in a 45 mph zone.

Other than going 128 in a 45, Busch was pretty inconspicuous. Oh wait. No he wasn’t. He was driving a yellow 2012 Lexus sports car.

This isn’t Photoshopped.

I don’t know who these guys are (because they play a non-American sport) but it looks like the guy in white has successfully punched the guy in red’s head off. Well done sir!

Yep, he’s gay.

In what seems to be a recurring theme here on “Let Me Be Frank With You…”, I have come across yet another piece of proof that Tom Brady might be gay.

If you’re not on the team, don’t say we.

Every time I hear somebody talking about their favorite sports team and referring to them as “we” I want to punch them in the nostrils. You are not on the team. You have zero control of the decisions the team makes. You contribute nothing to the team’s success or failures.

Quit saying “we”!

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Ja’Juan Story doodoos and listens to Katy Perry before he plays football.

Incoming freshman WR Ja’Juan Story for the Florida Gators (How top recruits look so old is beyond me. The guy looks 25.) was recently interviewed by Gator Country. In the interview, Ja’Juan (stupid name) touches on a few cliche subjects with cliche responses.

Then they asked him this:

Q: What’s the most played song on your iPod?

A: Most played…I don’t know, I want to say Katy Perry, “Fireworks.” It’s intense.

Q: What’s your favorite pre-game ritual?

A: Well, I take a doodoo. Before every game I doodoo.

Q: That’s your FAVORITE pregame ritual?

A: Well, that’s the only thing I do. That’s one thing I have to do before every game, or I won’t feel energy, and I’ll just feel slow. When I do I just feel light on my feet and everything, and I feel faster, so that’s what I do.

Q: You know I’m going to write this in a story right?

A: Well, I mean, that’s what it is. I doodoo and then listen to Katy Perry.

Who would’ve thunk it? The secret to being a top recruit is to make sure you listen to Katy Perry and doodoo before each game.

Thanks Ja’Juan, I’ll remember that.

This bar has the right idea.

The Stroll Inn, a sports bar in Kennedy Township, PA, has come up with a method of easing the pain Pittsburgh Pirates fans face at the conclusion of a majority of their games. After all, the Pirates haven’t had a winning season since 1992.

Every time the Pirates lose, which is a regular occurrence, Strolls Inn offers drink specials. I think this is a great idea (not that I support the notion of drinking heavily after your favorite sports team loses…or do I?), but the Pittsburgh Pirates organization doesn’t think its funny.

In an email sent to the bar owner by Pirates’ account executive Angela Criscella, she stated, “An occasional joke and jab is expected here and there, but to create business by ripping on the home team is ridiculous and in my opinion distasteful.” She urged bar patrons to “take your business away from the Stroll Inn and to other local restaurants instead.”

You can only be offended if you chose to be offended. And in this case, the Pirates chose to be offended. Get over it and start learning how to win.

For the first time ever, that random hill in Minute Maid Park became useful.

This may be the greatest fan-running-onto-the-field occurrence in sports history. Yes, I even think its better than the paraplegic who did it a month ago. The video speaks for itself, but man is it impressive. I wouldn’t be surprised if they never caught the man. This was like watching someone play a video game where the character can jump over just about everything with ease. I salute you, sir.

Rain delays are becoming more entertaining than actual baseball games.

Clemson and Davidson were supposed to play a baseball game earlier this week, but it rained. So, they did this instead. I don’t even know what to make of this. It is incredibly immature, but very well choreographed somehow.

It’s been nice knowing you all.

As you all know by now, this Saturday is “Judgement Day” and we’re all going to die just like we did on Y2K. So I guess this is the last “Let Me Be Frank With You…” article you will ever read. It’s been real.

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Carmelo Anthony has a pet camel.

I just thought you should know that. Here’s what Carmelo had to say via his “WhoSay” account (I have no idea what a WhoSay account is):

“Everybody got dogs and cats as pets, I got a camel!”

Pretty cool. I guess I’d have a camel too if I were a millionaire. Either that or a miniature giraffe.

No word yet if the one hump animal responds to the name Camelo Anthony.

And making his 2nd consecutive appearance on LMBFWY, Dennis Rodman.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Rodman is becoming relevant again. What did he do now? Well, if you remember last month Rodman had his Detroit Pistons jersey retired, by the Pistons. Tonight he will have that same number 10 jersey retired by another organization,

Headquarters Gentlemen’s Club.

That’s right, for his 50th birthday party the, well, we’ll call them waitresses, will don his Detroit Pistons jersey (for a few minutes) and a jersey will be hung in the club, permanently. Rodman wants to pay tribute to the two loves of his life – basketball and women. (He actually said that.) And wait a minute. Dennis Rodman is 50 years old?

Charlie Sheen is expected to attend the party. And no, I’m not making that up.

CBS is losing the best announcer they’ve ever had.

After failed contract negotiations, Gus Johnson and CBS are parting ways. Gus is expected to join Fox Sports so me may have heard the last NCAA Tournament Gus will call. If the above video doesn’t get your blood flowing, you’re not a cool person and I don’t want to be your friend.

It is possible to pull off a Hail Mary in lacrosse.

I don’t like lacrosse. You shouldn’t, either. However, I did run across this video which is pretty awesome. Gonzaga defenseman Matt Borda nails a 80 yard shot from behind his own goal with 10 seconds left to win the WCAC Championship for Gonzaga.

Lacrosse still sucks.

There’s a man in heaven that isn’t happy. His name is Chuck Taylor.

In a move that needs to result in multiple firings and possibly jail time, the fine folks at Converse have decided to start manufacturing Chuck Taylor thong sandals. I simply cannot fathom a situation where it would be socially acceptable to wear a pair of these hideous, disgusting things. And did you know Chuck Taylor was born in 1901 and looks like this?

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Your move, Dennis Rodman.

Ever since The Worm took the NBA by storm with his obnoxiously awesome hair-dos, I thought we’d never see the day where a player could outshine Dennis. Well, that day has come. Memphis Grizzlies guard Tony Allen has shaved his team’s logo into the back of his head.

My only issue with this is the glitter as the eyes. Why glitter? Other than that, this barber has done a remarkable job on this. I hope other NBA players take this as a challenge and one player from every team gets their team’s logo shaved into their skull. The Trail Blazers would be the coolest in my opinion.

What a lame prize.

A fan at the Lakers Hornets game last week won a year’s supply of 7 Up. Pretty cool, right? They probably were sitting in the lucky seat, answered a trivia question correctly, or their business card was picked in the quarterly raffle. Right?

Nope. They actually made a layup, free throw, three pointer, and half court shot all in a row at halftime.

To put this in perspective, according to CNBC’s report “This year alone, those who have hit a half court shot at NBA games have won $10,000 (Mavericks) and $20,000 (Thunder), while two Kings fans won Kia cars and a TrailBlazers fan won a Toyota truck. In fact, last year, when the Lakers played the Oklahoma City Thunder in round 1 of the playoffs, a fan hit a halfcourt shot to win $235,000.”

It gets even more lame. The notion of “a year’s supply” doesn’t even mean a can a day. The winner was simply given coupons to redeem two 12 packs a month for 12 months. That’s a total of 288 cans of 7 Up with a retail value of $95.76.

I know the economy is in the tank but, come on, $95.76 for pulling of that feat? It would have only cost the company $1,000 to insure a $20,000 cash prize. Up yours, 7 Up. I drink Sprite anyway, because Grant Hill does.

Lenny Dykstra’s done lost it again.

If you remember, I checked in on how ole Lenny was doing back in October when we named Dykstra the Korked Bats Random Athlete of the Month. In that article, I talked about his troubles with the law and his bankruptcy that forced him to move out of his $17 million estate home and start living out of his car. A lot of other things happened in his life that I wont write here because I already wrote about it. So click that link if you want to read more.

Anyway, Lenny seems to be doing better now, right? I mean anyone who walks around outside of governmental buildings wearing a suit and chewing on Twizzlers must have their ducks in a row (thanks to Erin for helping me remember that saying). Well, not so much.

According to this report by TMZ, Dykstra recently posted an ad in Craigslist for a housekeeper (I guess he finally moved out of that 2006 Kia Rondo). When a woman responded to the listing and showed up at Dykstra’s house, Lenny informed the woman she would be doing more than just cleaning his house. She would also be massaging his naked body. Understandably, she left the home immediately.

No word on whether or not Lenny pulled out the Costco 20 lb. plastic box of individually wrapped Twizzlers in an attempt to seduce the woman.

This is not a good idea.

According to News 4 in Salt Lake City, Jimmer Fredette may be on his way to starring in his own reality TV show. That’s right, a camera crew is going to capture Jimmer’s life as he transitions from a college basketball player to a NBA draftee who has to sit around and wait for the lockout to end.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Jimmer and think he’s a model citizen. But if we’ve learned anything about reality TV, it’s that the wilder and the crazier the subject matter is, the more entertaining the show. Following a guy who’s honor code considers coffee and tea drinking beyond the realm of acceptable behavior isn’t exactly earth-shattering television.

This is what a quadriplegic man looks like when he rushes a field.

Just in case you were wondering. It’s not quite as exciting as a man on foot.

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This one’s a head scratcher.

(Literally, it looks like they took this mug shot minutes after Mike Leake was scratching his head for an extended period of time)

Just hours prior to the Reds’ game Monday night, pitcher Mike Leake (never heard of him) was arrested and charged with theft after removing the security tags from six t-shirts from the local Macy’s and leaving without paying.

The total retail price of the shirts was $59.88. Leake makes $425,000 per year and received a $2.3 million signing bonus.

Hmm, I can’t even begin to come up with an excuse for this guy. I’m actually more amazed that six shirts totaled just $59.88. That’s a great deal! A great deal you can only find at Macy’s. Here’s a link to the actual type of shirt Leake stole. Snag one (if v-necks are still “in”, are they?). Tell them Korked Bats sent you. Actually, don’t. They probably wont know what you are talking about and tell you to leave their online store.

You’re going to have to find something else to watch at 3 a.m.

The days/nights/mornings/whatever you want to call it of waking up at 3 a.m., realizing you left your TV on, and listening to the oddest announcers on the planet try and make watching people play card games exciting are over. ESPN has announced they are discontinuing poker programming after the U.S. Government indited several poker websites.

Some people actually enjoyed watching poker. I never really understood that.

This begs the question, what “sport” will ESPN place in the empty time slot poker once filled? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below. Or just be boring and keep your thoughts to yourself.

Welp, that was quick. I think I found poker’s replacement.

Just imagine the hoop mixtapes these superstars would produce. These are Palestinian girls and a great photo gallery of this “Dream Team” can be found here. They look really excited to be playing. This is almost as exciting as the time I got the chance to wait in the Firestone lobby for two-hours waiting on my car to be repaired!

I hate to do it, but I feel obligated.

This little man/child keeps on churning out new videos. I don’t know why he makes them. I don’t know why they are popular. I don’t know why I am posting this. And I don’t know why he doesn’t learn all the words to the songs he lip syncs. But we all can agree on knowing one thing.

Brian Wilson is the man.

Happy 420, Tim Lincecum & Ricky Williams!

This post simply wouldn’t be complete without a shout out to the sports starts who are curiously open about their recreational drug use. True role models, true role models indeed. Enjoy your day, men.

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