If you thought the Patriots signing Cam Newton was a godsend to a team in dire need of a starting-caliber quarterback, you weren’t alone—but you were most certainly wrong. The Patriots offense is more anemic than Selena Gomez, who is actually anemic. With no receivers (didn’t seem to bother Brady) and a quarterback who resembles a clunky malfunctioning robot, we are likely to finally see a year in which the Patriots not only miss out on the AFC East title but miss the playoffs altogether. A Christmas miracle!

Christmas Cam Newtons

As Patriots fans crawl into the darkness for a little while (the Celtics and Bruins are getting into full swing, so they won’t be silent for long), you can cozy up by the yule log and try to enjoy this take on the classicly mealy and boring fig newton. You’re going to want a drink to take the taste of both kinds of newtons out of your dumb Bwahston mouths.

Specific equipment/materials:

• Electric hand mixer
• Piping bag
• Any music source capable of playing “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang
• Video surveillance
• Holiday spirit

Ingredients:

Fig Filling

• 14 oz. dry figs, sliced
• 1/4 cup orange juice
• 1/4 cup water
• 2 tbsp brown sugar
• Juice, zest of 1 lemon
• 1 lump coal, ground

Cookie Dough

• 1 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 tsp. baking soda
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 2 egg yolks
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract

Directions:

1. To prep, cue up “Celebration” and ensure your surveillance camera is pointed at the Jets.
2. Add your prepared figs, ground coal, orange juice, water, brown sugar, lemon juice, and lemon zest to a pot and stir. Cover the pot with a lid, bring to a boil, then lower the temperature to bring the mixture down to a simmer. Simmer for 20 minutes or until the figs are soft, like the Patriots’ defense after preseason opt-outs. You may need to add more liquid if it feels to dry.
3. Once figs are to the desired texture, process them in the food processor until smooth. Let the figs cool, then stuff the mixture into a piping bag. Pretend you’re running a quarterback power run on the one versus the Seahawks. Set aside.
4. Sift together flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon in a not-so-super bowl. In a separate bowl, beat together the butter, brown sugar, and granulated sugar until smooth. Toss in your egg yolks and beat until combined. Then beat in vanilla extract and gradually add your flour mixture.
5. Form your dough into a deflated football/deflated 20-year erection shape. Cover and chill for 30 minutes.
6. Divide your dough into six logs and line your work surface with plastic wrap. On your plastic wrap with each dough log, one at a time, add another piece of plastic wrap on top and roll out into a rectangle.
7. Pipe your filling like it’s Cam Newton’s hair going through a Play-Doh mold in the center of each rectangle. Lift one side of the bottom plastic wrap and fold the dough over the fig mixture. Press gently to spread (the Pats won’t cover) and flatten the filling between two layers of dough.
8. Unfold the cookie log by holding one side of the plastic wrap and rolling the dough until it’s seam side down. Cut the cookie log with a knife into fig newton-sized pieces.
9. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and bake for 10–12 minutes.
10. Cool your cookies on cooling racks then enjoy these lil Cam Newtons. Serve with egg nog, spiced cider, or some other drink we only drink around Christmas (let’s face it, you’re drinking alcohol during Christmas 2020; we all are). Gronk spike your newtons once you’re drunk enough to get angry at how dry and unimpressive they are.

Twahmy is gone, New Englanders, and we all know it stings to see him have success in sunny Florida while you sit on your cold rears and look forward to the coming hockey and basketball seasons. Even worse is that they’re just good enough to not be in the running for Trevor Lawrence, unless they trade all of that talent they don’t have for the first overall pick (however, the Jets may unsurprisingly be so Jets that they take a bad trade to continue being the worst team in the NFL for 10 more years). At any rate, for now, all of us non-Patriots fans’ wishes are being granted. Because, baby, all we want for Christmas is for the Patriots to finally miss the playoffs. Rejoice!

The post Cam And The Loser Patriots: A Celebratory Gameday Grub For Christmas appeared first on Korked Bats.

Boy howdy, the Bears are bad. We all knew their 5–1 start was a fluke and that their defense was the only thing keeping them relevant. They haven’t won a game since Week 6, and Trubisky proves time and time again that he is not the answer. The last quarterback to inspire hope (sort of) in Chicago was Smokin’ Jay Cutler, but not even he could live up to the low standards of a team that saw Rex freaking Grossman make it to a Super Bowl (somehow). Fans continue to see zero hope for the somewhat immediate future.

Bear Burgers

While the Bears plan their next questionable draft trade-up for a new signal caller, you can at least warm your wintertime cravings with a meaty treat fit for the great Kremlin dining hall. Yes, bear is edible, and Russians know what to do with it. Let’s just hope Putin doesn’t watch football. He—like many Bears fans at this point—may just get hungry for a taste of coach Matt Nagy’s head.

Specific equipment/materials:

• Cast iron pan
• Meat grinder
• The oldest stereo you can find with a tape player
• The Russian national anthem on tape
• Communist ideals

Ingredients:

• 1 pound bear meat
• 1/3 pound beef or pork fat
• 1 tbsp. vegetable oil
• 4 sturdy hamburger rolls
• Salt, pepper, and krokodil to taste

Directions:

1. Fire up the old stereo and play the Russian national anthem as loud as possible.
2. Mix your bear meat and fat together in a bowl, then send it through the grinder, just like the Bears sent Trubisky through the grinder as if he were a 10-year veteran.
3. Once the meat mixture is ground, form into four patties and season. Go quite liberal with the salt and pepper, but be careful with the krokodil; too much will quickly deteriorate your digestive system from the inside out, much like Trubisky’s career has fallen apart.
4. Heat your cast iron pan over medium high heat, then add your vegetable oil.
5. Once the pan is as hot as Matt Nagy’s seat, fry your burgers for 4–5 minutes per side.
6. When your burgers are ready set them aside to rest for 5–7 minutes. In the meantime, toast your buns in the fat left in the pan.
7. Place the burgers in the buns and enjoy. Yes, these don’t have cheese, condiments, or toppings. Your communist ideals should tell you that there isn’t enough for everyone. You knew that going in, commie bastard.
8. Either prepare to interfere with the next election or go horseback riding shirtless.

The Bears, led by a dejected Trubisky and a miserable Nagy, are not living up to standards that are barely there anymore anyway. They’re trash, and the fact that the Cubs have more promise year-in year-out should tell you everything you need to know. Their best hope now is to endure a long winter, shoot up some krokodil, eat a bear burger (with more krokodil), and come out the other side ready to serve their new fearless leader, Daddy Putin.

The post This Week’s Gameday Grub Is All About The Chicago Bears – Let’s Make Bear Burgers, Putin-Style appeared first on Korked Bats.

One way I personally like to perpetuate that condemnation is to make fun of NFL referees’ physical appearances as I see fit. It helps to blindly justify my frustration, all the while knowing my team should simply just play better. And on that note, I share with you the following content about what these refs look like in my eyes.

Brad Allen: Murr

A bit of an obscure comparison, it holds true: Brad Allen looks enough like Murr from Impractical Jokers to call him “the Murr ref.” Not much explanation is needed here. It’s as simple as Brad Allen looking like Murr.

Tony Corrente: Mob Boss

When I watch Tony Corrente, I’m reminded that, behind a man’s seemingly harmless face, could lie a sinister power, a life of guns, drugs, and crime. Not only does the name Corrente feel right when preceded by Don, his face and voice align with that of a North Jersey mafioso. This is a natural fit.

John Hussey: Murderer

I’m not so sure John Hussey has an upper lip, making him look as though he’s constantly grimacing, ready to strike—as if his temper is so short that he could snap at any moment and strangle a stranger. Now, the image below is his head on Jeffrey Dahmer’s body, but I don’t see John Hussey as a serial killer (just thought the image was absurd and funny). He’s more the type of killer who blacks out while he’s choking his wife to death.

Jerome Boger: Turtle

Jerome Boger has that prominent downturned upper lip, combined with a nearly parallel downturned nose. It’s very turtley, so here’s his head on a turtle. Now you’re all remembering Dana Carvey’s “turtle, turtle” thing from The Master of Disguise. You’re welcome.

Ronald Torbert: Mike Tirico’s Brother

Without glasses, these two look nothing alike, but adding spectacles makes them look like they could maybe be brothers or cousins. Photoshopping big adult heads on children is funny, though, so here you go.

Shawn Hochuli: Not His Dad

Following in his father’s footsteps, Shawn Hochuli is one of the NFL’s best refs. However, what he doesn’t have that his dad was well-known for is physical prowess. Ed is straight yoked, and Shawn is shameful in that regard. Get in the gym, Shawn. You’re an embarrassment to your family legacy.

NFL refs have a really tough job, but deep down, we as fans don’t care. We will blame them, call them names, and, as you have seen above, make petty content at their expense. At least we have something to thank them for.

The post NFL Referees Out Here Lookin’ Like appeared first on Korked Bats.

The Cowboys are terrible, pathetic, disappointing, benign—whatever you’d like to call them. Even worse are Cowboys fans who continually support a team run by a human who looks like he wears a skin suit made of his own skin over his own skin. Not even the affable, lovable Dak Prescott could help you before he went down with that gruesome ankle injury. Your coach is biscuits and gravy personified, you have the most wasted talent on the field, and yet you continue to believe your beloved franchise holds any weight in fan circles as “America’s Team.”

Tomahawk Steak

If Texas ever has one thing going for it, it’s beef. So, as you await your bludgeoning at the hands of a surely motivated Lamar Jackson, spend some of your precious time (trust me, you have years if you need it) preparing this ultimate cut and letting go of the past.

Specific equipment/materials:

• Grill (gas or charcoal, doesn’t matter; neither makes a bad steak so shut up and stop having this argument)
• Dying pride
• All of your old Cowboys jerseys

Ingredients:

• 3-pound tomahawk ribeye, room temperature
• 2 tbsp. olive oil
• Kosher salt and pepper
• 2 cloves roasted garlic
• 1 cup melted butter
• 2 tbsp. thyme (dried or fresh)
• Corona for drinking because Tony Romo said so, and he’s the man

Directions:

1. Fire up that grill to at least 500 degrees. Grab a Corona.
2. While the grill is heating up, place your old Michael Irvin, Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, or Deion Sanders jersey(s) under the grates on and around the heat source. This is the part where you let go of the past and realize the Cowboys haven’t been a Super Bowl contender in 20-plus years.
3. While you’re waiting for your grill to heat and jerseys to burn, prepare your steak. Drizzle olive oil on both sides of the steak, then season liberally with kosher salt and black pepper.
4. Peel your roasted garlic (to roast, slice off the top of the garlic bulb, drizzle with olive oil, and cook covered in foil in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour). Place in your bowl of melted butter with salt, pepper, and some thyme.
5. Once your grill is at the desired heat and your jerseys have disintegrated into the dry Texas air, place your steak directly on the grates over direct heat. Brush a bit of your garlic butter mixture over the top, then close the grill.
6. Cook for 5 minutes, then flip your steak and baste liberally. But not too liberally, this is Texas after all. Close the grill again, but this time, close the grill as hard as you can on your ankle to induce a Dak-like injury.
7. After 5 more minutes of cooking and excruciating pain, turn off your grill except for one burner (if using charcoal, situate your heat to one side of the grill). Move the steak over indirect heat, baste again, then close your grill again. Remember it’s not all that bad that Andy Dalton is your quarterback right now; you once had Quincy Carter.
8. Every 5 minutes check your steak and bast until it reaches your desired doneness (if you cook your steak to medium or well done, slam your face on the hottest part of the grill, you dumb idiot).
9. Allow your steak to rest for 10–15 minutes before chowing down. In that time, you can remind yourself how close you were to a Super Bowl that one time Dez Bryant made the catch but was ruled to not have made the catch (Aaron Rodgers would have marched down the field and scored after that anyway).
10. Enjoy your steak with another ice cold Corona, and look down at the front of your pants to remember not everything is bigger in Texas. Oh, and schedule some surgery for that leg you crushed in the grill lid.

The Cowboys are bad, and you know it’s going to be a while before you live up to Jerry’s ’90s standards, which will likely be after he peels out of his rough skin suit into a new exoskeleton—about another decade or so. At the very least, you can look forward to winning your division with an 8–8 record when Dak returns in two years. Until then, work on living in the now and enjoying this delicious buttery steak, not because you deserve it, but because all you have truly is beef.

The post Let’s Make Fun Of The Cowboys With This Week’s Gameday Grub: Tomahawk Steak appeared first on Korked Bats.

The Ravens are the latest team to force an NFL schedule shake-up, now slated to play Tuesday night in Pittsburgh, after more than a dozen players tested positive for COVID-19 in the past week. One of those players is 2019 MVP Lamar Jackson, who won’t play despite the organization’s efforts to complain their way to the aforementioned schedule push. Barring some unlikely RGKnee magic, it’s looking as though the Ravens’ desperation won’t be rewarded.

Baltimore Bat Wings

As we are all aware, the rumor that a bat started the COVID outbreak is probably not true, but we can’t officially confirm that. So bat it is for this recipe that will at least make you as sick as many Ravens are this week. This is mostly for Ravens fans, who are the worst people, but anyone looking to induce a hospitalized level of ill will love this simple, nearly inedible gameday snack!

Specific equipment/materials:

• Baking sheet with sides
• Cooling racks
• Heavy-duty file
• Health insurance

Ingredients:

• 6 bats (12 wings)
• 4 tbsp. olive oil
• 12 cups Old Bay
• Salt and pepper to taste
• Celery and blue cheese dressing for serving

Directions:

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Cut the wings off of all of your bats, and place the rest of the bat bodies in various corners around your house (this helps ensure a toxic, diseased environment if the wings don’t somehow make you sick).
3. Pat your wings dry to remove any blood that seeped out, then crudely apply 1 cup of Old Bay to each wing. That may seem like a lot, but anyone from Baltimore will probably tell you it’s not enough (Old Bay is good, but it’s not so good that all your food has to taste only like it, you Chesapeake freaks). Add salt and peppers to taste, then drizzle each wing with a bit of olive oil.
4. Line your baking sheet with aluminum foil and place the cooling racks on top. Arrange your bat wings on top of the cooling racks.
5. Bake your bat wings for 20 minutes, then turn and bake for 20 more. Turn one final time and bake for a final 20 minutes. That’s a total of 60 minutes, or 1 hour, for those of you who are too stupid to actually be attempting this recipe.
6. During baking time, file your teeth down to sharp points. This is important, as there is virtually no meat on bat wings, making them really tough (honestly not sure if this is true, but there’s no way these would be tender).
7. Serve with a side of celery and blue cheese dressing, and enjoy warm with a glass of Ocean City seawater to get preemptively salty for the Steelers game that you’ll most definitely lose.
8. Call an ambulance. You may die if you don’t seek immediate medical help. You probably wouldn’t even be worried about COVID at this point as much as you would be contracting some sort of terrible life-threatening “food” poisoning.

This recipe is clearly not safe. Don’t eat bat—ever. What you should do, however (if you’re a Ravens fan), is prepare for a long, grueling, stressful end to your Super Bowl hopes. While we wish everybody in the Ravens organization a speedy recovery, this ill-timed outbreak serves to diminish any chances of this team getting back to 2019 form. Might as well just give up now and start Poe at quarterback.

The post Gameday Grub Of The Week: Baltimore Bat Wings appeared first on Korked Bats.

The New Orleans Saints just lost their future Hall of Fame signal caller Drew Brees to broken ribs and a collapsed lung. He’ll surely be out for the foreseeable future, with Taysom Hill filling in and trying to do enough to keep them in the playoff picture. Hill’s career 0:1 TD to interception ratio shouldn’t offer much hope, but he’ll probably be better than the team’s other option, Jameis Winston. He’s also a Mormon, though, so maybe he has some Steve Young magic in the Latter-day tank.

Rib & Lung Gumbo

Traditionally, gumbo is made with chicken, sausage, shrimp, crab, and/or other meats, but we’re going with meats that better represent Brees’ injuries—rib and lung meat it is. You’re probably not thrilled about the idea of lung meat instead of sausage, but the veggies and Creole seasoning provide so much flavor, you won’t even notice the difference!

Specific equipment/materials:

• Dutch oven or another large stew pot
• Drew Brees (if you don’t have a Drew Brees, any human with a face birthmark works fine)
• Bonesaw
• Soul, cuz you cookin’ Leesiana-style

Ingredients:

• 2 pounds human rib meat
• 1 pound human lung meat (1 lung)
• 1/4 cup canola oil
• 1/4 cup unsalted butter
• 1/2 cup flour
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 2 green onions, diced
• 1 green bell pepper, diced
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• 2 stalks celery, diced
• 2 cups cut okra
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 14 oz. can fire-roasted tomatoes
• 3 tbsp. Creole seasoning
• 1 tbsp. dried thyme
• 2 bay leaves
• 6 cups chicken broth
• 1 tbsp. file powder
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 6 cups long-grain rice

Directions:

1. Turn on some good jazz to get the soul flowin’, then surgically remove Drew Brees’ (or any human with face birthmark) ribs and collapsed lung. (Don’t worry about safety here. It’s just one lung, and the person can always just get new ribs.)
2. Season your ribs and lung with salt and pepper. Brown your meat in canola oil over medium heat in your pot. Cook until nicely browned, then remove from the pot and set aside.
3. Add your butter to the bottom of another pan or pot. Once it’s melted, add your flour and stir for as long as Michael Thomas has played well this year, about 20 minutes, until a roux is formed and reaches a rich brown color. Turn off the heat and let cool.
4. In your original pot (still containing the fat from the meat), add your onions, bell peppers, celery, and garlic. Cook for about 8–10 minutes.
5. Once the veggies are cooked down a little, add the meat back to the pan along with your Creole seasoning, thyme, and bay leaves. Cook for about 5 minutes before adding your fire-roasted tomatoes, okra, and chicken stock. Bring it up to a boil, then let it simmer for 45–55 minutes, enough time to watch a shortened reel of the one Super Bowl Drew Brees has actually made it to.
6. Stir in your file powder and season with salt and pepper to taste. Once it tastes to your liking, let out a big “Who dat?!”
7. Serve warm over a serving of long-grain rice. Be sure not to overfill your bowl. Most bowls don’t have levees, and your house will flood with gumbo, causing irreparable damage for years to come.

Although the Saints may be in a tough position with Brees out and Tom Brady’s Tampa Bay Bucs breathing down their necks, hope is still alive down in Nawlens. Hill is the right person to lead the team until Brees’ return (if it were Winston, there would have been stolen crab legs in this recipe). But while you sit on the edge of your seat for plenty of Sundays to come, at least do it with a hot, spicy bowl of gumbo. If that’s not enough, hop on your airboat and hunt down some gator—that always helps.

The post Gameday Grub Of The Week: Rib & Lung Gumbo appeared first on Korked Bats.

Check out this recent Raiders Instagram repost from The Today Show account:

Now, it’s not like Carson Daly isn’t respectable. As the face of MTV’s TRL, he’s part of the reason the network continued its daytime prominence in the ’90s (spearheaded by the great Kurt Loder). But good god, that jacket is absolutely awful, and it reminds me that Raiders fans are sometimes cringingly flamboyant. When fans are allowed in Allegiant Stadium, it will only get worse.

Here’s another example for you, restaurateur and television personality Guy Fieri:

Trying really hard not to swear in this piece, but f***ing “FLAVOR COORDINATOR”?! Just like many of you, I’ll utter a hearty chuckle to most good Guy Fieri memes, but this goes too far. Seeing those terrible frosted tips and disgusting chin dangler beneath a headset feels so wrong. تعلم لعب البوكر I’m surprised to have not had nightmares of “run beer-can chicken on two! This play is funkadelic!” The Raiders have been a sideshow in the NFL for too long, and we need not proliferate images like this to continue that narrative (even though I’m posting it here).

So, pretty much end rant here. On the bright side, we do have the likes of Tom Hanks, Tiger Woods, Carlos Santana, Magic Johnson, and Jessica Alba donning the silver and black every week. الرهان الرياضي It’s just the above-mentioned clowns that grind my gears and make me want to transfer my fandom. Now, this season, I’m unapologetically riding the bandwagon of both the Raiders and Steelers as they currently sit in the fifth and first seeds in the AFC playoff picture, respectively. But I’m one more obnoxious jacket away from putting a bag on my head on gameday. وليام هيل العاب القمار

The post Carson Daly Is Exactly Why I’m Not Solely A Raiders Fan appeared first on Korked Bats.

The Philadelphia Eagles are a disappointment this season, despite the fact that they’re somehow leading the atrocious NFC East with a 3-4-1 record. Many Eagles fans are surely frustrated, going to their typical lengths of denouncing franchise quarterback Carson Wentz and fighting in the stands (this time, fighting each other). Please keep it up, you angry, frontrunning, miserable pricks.

The Philly Special

Named after the iconic Super Bowl LII play in which quarterback Nick Foles caught a touchdown from tight end Trey Burton, this altered cheesesteak recipe is meant to push the limits of a Philly classic. It reflects the nature of the Eagles fandom at its core, smothered in rocky history, and replaces the steak with something oh-so Philly.

Specific equipment/materials:

• 12-inch non-stick pan or cast iron skillet
• Industrial-strength knife
• Wooden spatula
• Despair and anguish inherent with being an Eagles fan

Ingredients:

• 6 D-cell batteries (9-volt, AA, and AAA batteries work in a pinch, whatever you have around)
• 4 ounces Cheez Whiz
• 1 rotten onion, diced
• 3 tbsp. unsalted butter
• 2 Amoroso hoagie rolls
• Salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

1. Heat your non-stick pan or cast iron skillet over medium-high heat, and in the meantime, cut your batteries in half with your industrial-strength knife. Be sure to reserve any battery acid to use as a zesty condiment.
2. Once your pan is hot enough, toss in your butter and allow it to melt before adding your onions and batteries. Stir until your onions and batteries are well combined, and cook until the onions are soft and translucent.
3. While your onions and batteries are cooking, microwave your Cheez Whiz in a microwave-safe bowl until it’s scorching enough to burn your tastebuds straight off. Set aside.
4. Once your onions are soft and translucent, pour your nearly boiling Cheez Whiz into the pan and turn the heat off. Mix your Cheez Whiz in with the batteries and onions until it becomes one giant diarrhea-inducing mess.
5. Slice your Amoroso roll in half but not the whole way through. Spread your reserved acid on either side of the inside of the roll.
6. Add your batteries, onions, and Cheez Whiz mixture inside the roll and enjoy!
7. Once you’ve eaten your Philly Special, put on your Champion brand Irving Fryar jersey that you somehow still own, drive down to your local mall, and wait for the mall Santa Claus to show up so you can boo him.

The City of Brotherly Love, which is pretty much anything but, is like no other sports city in our country. The frustration to endure decades of underperformance, only to be bamboozled after a fluke Super Bowl victory and ensuing false hope, is something most of us will never understand. Then again, you do have a statue of a fictional boxer played by very dumb actor in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, so maybe your destiny is to always be mind-numbingly delusional. Who knows? At any rate, enjoy this meal that will almost certainly hospitalize you, if not kill you. It’s better than losing another playoff game you thought Wentz could win you.

The post Gameday Grub Of The Week: The Philly Special appeared first on Korked Bats.

As we all now know, rookie quarterback Tua Tagovailoa has been named the starter for the Dolphins Week 8 matchup against the Los Angeles Rams, in place of Ryan Fitzpatrick, who was just starting to make us believe he was good—again. It truly is Fitztragic, though, isn’t it?

Tuamisu

This recipe reminds us that we do actually kind of feel bad for Fitzpatrick, who said his heart was broken after the news. So what better to heal Team Fitzpatrick Dolphins fans than to feed them a decadent dessert? We’ll even help them get over the hump by adding a little artistic flair to finish.

Specific equipment/materials:

• Electric hand or stand mixer
• 8×8 pan (think Dolphins best possible record if you need to shop for one)
• False hope about Tua’s health and the future of the Dolphins
• Your finest Pitbull playlist

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cups heavy cream
• 8-ounce container mascarpone cheese, room temp.
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 cups cold espresso
• 3 tbsp. coffee liquer
• 1 package ladyfingers
• 1 heart of Ryan Fitzpatrick, dried and ground (fresh Miami cocaine works in a pinch)

Directions:

1. Get your Pitbull playlist going louder than your ears can handle. Add heavy cream to a mixing bowl and beat on medium speed with your mixer. Slowly add sugar and vanilla like you’re slowly burying Fitzpatrick’s career, until you’re stif—have stiff peaks. Add mascarpone cheese and mix until combined.
2. Add espresso and liqueur to a small bowl. Dip your lady’s fingers in the coffee, then dip the ladyfingers in the coffee (just a quick dip for both; don’t soak ‘em!). Lay the slightly dank fingers in a single layer on the bottom of your 8×8 pan.
3. Smooth half of the mascarpone mixture over the top. Add another layer of moist ladyfingers, then another layer of the mascarpone mixture.
4. Take your dried and ground Fitzpatrick heart (or that sweet white toot), do a quick bump, then sprinkle the rest over the top of the Tuamisu, adding extra where needed to create a unique Tua face design.
5. Refrigerate for 3–4 hours, just enough time to watch a ’72 Dolphins Super Bowl replay (it’s all you’ve had for a long time, Dolphins fans). Serve cold and forget to eat it, because you’ll be high on either dried heart or coke and not hungry at all.

No matter the Dolphins signal caller, the team is likely destined to continue its perennial mediocrity. But while this recipe is designed to soften the blow of being a basement franchise, it may just offer some optimism about the future. Despite their troubles, Tua is a good football player (yes, he’ll eventually be better than Fitzpatrick, if not already). And if he stays healthy, he may just feed Dolphins fans some hope for the future. Or he could be hurt for 10 years and add more of one particular ingredient to this recipe: broken hearts.

Good grubbin’, KB Army!

The post Gameday Grub Of The Week: Tuamisu appeared first on Korked Bats.

The likes of the NFL’s own Gosling, Cardinals head coach Kliff Kingsbury, will be front and center, so we wanted to give you something just as delicious as those dreamy eyes, perfect hair, and arresting smile. Like Kingsbury, we’re getting sweet on you, KB Army.

Kingsbury Pie Bites

Now, you can use any berry for this recipe, but choose a berry that best allows for a beautiful finished product. Let Kingsbury’s striking stare inspire you to bake with passion, get creative, and deliver something to your guests that will have them wanting to kiss the cook.

To get the most out these sexy little confections, you’ll need the following items.

Specific equipment/materials:

• 1 ½” biscuit cutter
• Pastry brush
• Baking sheet
• Framed photo of Kingsbury (for inspiration and constant eye candy)
• For extra inspiration, attach photos of Kyler Murray and Russell Wilson to teddy bears for cuddling your way through baking time.

Ingredients:

• 1 refrigerated pie crust
• 40–50 berries, depending on size
• 1/8 cup raw sugar
• 1 egg and 1 tsp. water (egg wash)
• A small handful of flour for working surface
• 1 giggle for every bite created

Directions:

1. Place framed photo of Kingsbury in a commonly viewed area around your work space and preheat your oven to 450 degrees. Utter a cute little giggle for good luck.
2. Lightly flour your work surface and unroll your refrigerated pie crust. Using your biscuit cutter, cut out your pie bite circles one by one. Do it slowly, do it sensually, do it while you fawn over Kingsbury’s unblemished skin.
3. Place 1 or 2 berries in the center of each circle like you’re making the perfect play call for Murray to throw a perfect dime to DeAndre Hopkins. Delicately sprinkle a pinch of sugar on each, and watch the shimmering crystals fall over the fresh, bulbous berries.
4. Fold up two sides of each circle. Then fold up the adjacent sides and pinch the corners. Your goal is to make a cozy little pocket for each berry. Protect those little hugable portions of sweetness.
5. Brush each bite with the egg wash (you could use your fingers for this for enhanced sensuality). Place each bite on your baking sheet and emit a soft giggle after doing so for each bite.
6. Sprinkle with a little more sugar and bake for about 10 minutes.
7. While baking, grab either your framed photo of Kingsbury or your Murray and Wilson teddy bears, and cuddle up on the couch. Hold your chosen item tight while you smell those little berry bites baking to perfection.
8. Once the bites are done baking, pull them out of the oven slowly and present them to your guests. Let them know they’re to be enjoyed for about 30 minutes apiece, but don’t be surprised if the whole yield lasts about 2 minutes.

This recipe will have your guests swooning over you and your skills in the bedro—KITCHEN. When you harness your inner hunk, it shows, just as Kingsbury will display his sheer attractiveness across the Sunday Night Football airwaves. Bake your heart out, eat your feelings, and enjoy the greatest show on grass—on the home team’s sideline.

Good grubbin’, KB Army!

The post Gameday Grub Of The Week: Kingsbury Pie Bites appeared first on Korked Bats.