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Friday, March 29, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Gameday Grub Of The Week: Baltimore Bat Wings

In this week’s edition of Gameday Grub, we’re actively seeking out COVID-19 infections and baking bat wings—an homage to the Baltimore Ravens’ recent situation.

Gameday Grub

The Ravens are the latest team to force an NFL schedule shake-up, now slated to play Tuesday night in Pittsburgh, after more than a dozen players tested positive for COVID-19 in the past week. One of those players is 2019 MVP Lamar Jackson, who won’t play despite the organization’s efforts to complain their way to the aforementioned schedule push. Barring some unlikely RGKnee magic, it’s looking as though the Ravens’ desperation won’t be rewarded.

Baltimore Bat Wings

As we are all aware, the rumor that a bat started the COVID outbreak is probably not true, but we can’t officially confirm that. So bat it is for this recipe that will at least make you as sick as many Ravens are this week. This is mostly for Ravens fans, who are the worst people, but anyone looking to induce a hospitalized level of ill will love this simple, nearly inedible gameday snack!

Bat Wings

Specific equipment/materials:

  • Baking sheet with sides
  • Cooling racks
  • Heavy-duty file
  • Health insurance

Ingredients:

  • 6 bats (12 wings)
  • 4 tbsp. olive oil
  • 12 cups Old Bay
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • Celery and blue cheese dressing for serving

Directions:

  1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Cut the wings off of all of your bats, and place the rest of the bat bodies in various corners around your house (this helps ensure a toxic, diseased environment if the wings don’t somehow make you sick).
  3. Pat your wings dry to remove any blood that seeped out, then crudely apply 1 cup of Old Bay to each wing. That may seem like a lot, but anyone from Baltimore will probably tell you it’s not enough (Old Bay is good, but it’s not so good that all your food has to taste only like it, you Chesapeake freaks). Add salt and peppers to taste, then drizzle each wing with a bit of olive oil.
  4. Line your baking sheet with aluminum foil and place the cooling racks on top. Arrange your bat wings on top of the cooling racks.
  5. Bake your bat wings for 20 minutes, then turn and bake for 20 more. Turn one final time and bake for a final 20 minutes. That’s a total of 60 minutes, or 1 hour, for those of you who are too stupid to actually be attempting this recipe.
  6. During baking time, file your teeth down to sharp points. This is important, as there is virtually no meat on bat wings, making them really tough (honestly not sure if this is true, but there’s no way these would be tender).
  7. Serve with a side of celery and blue cheese dressing, and enjoy warm with a glass of Ocean City seawater to get preemptively salty for the Steelers game that you’ll most definitely lose.
  8. Call an ambulance. You may die if you don’t seek immediate medical help. You probably wouldn’t even be worried about COVID at this point as much as you would be contracting some sort of terrible life-threatening “food” poisoning.

This recipe is clearly not safe. Don’t eat bat—ever. What you should do, however (if you’re a Ravens fan), is prepare for a long, grueling, stressful end to your Super Bowl hopes. While we wish everybody in the Ravens organization a speedy recovery, this ill-timed outbreak serves to diminish any chances of this team getting back to 2019 form. Might as well just give up now and start Poe at quarterback.

Sam

Sam is a writer and editor by trade but a useless information monger by heart. Each NFL season, he switches loyalties from the Raiders to Steelers at an average juncture of Week 6. Sam is known for his candor and for perfecting the art of the medium-rare ribeye. He has never been to Europe.

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