Gameday Grub Of The Week: The Philly Special
After an unexpected week off, we’re back with another edition of Gameday Grub. In this week’s edition, we’re serving up a fresh take on Philadelphia’s most precious culinary staple: the cheesesteak.
The Philadelphia Eagles are a disappointment this season, despite the fact that they’re somehow leading the atrocious NFC East with a 3-4-1 record. Many Eagles fans are surely frustrated, going to their typical lengths of denouncing franchise quarterback Carson Wentz and fighting in the stands (this time, fighting each other). Please keep it up, you angry, frontrunning, miserable pricks.
The Philly Special
Named after the iconic Super Bowl LII play in which quarterback Nick Foles caught a touchdown from tight end Trey Burton, this altered cheesesteak recipe is meant to push the limits of a Philly classic. It reflects the nature of the Eagles fandom at its core, smothered in rocky history, and replaces the steak with something oh-so Philly.
Specific equipment/materials:
- 12-inch non-stick pan or cast iron skillet
- Industrial-strength knife
- Wooden spatula
- Despair and anguish inherent with being an Eagles fan
Ingredients:
- 6 D-cell batteries (9-volt, AA, and AAA batteries work in a pinch, whatever you have around)
- 4 ounces Cheez Whiz
- 1 rotten onion, diced
- 3 tbsp. unsalted butter
- 2 Amoroso hoagie rolls
- Salt and pepper to taste
Directions:
- Heat your non-stick pan or cast iron skillet over medium-high heat, and in the meantime, cut your batteries in half with your industrial-strength knife. Be sure to reserve any battery acid to use as a zesty condiment.
- Once your pan is hot enough, toss in your butter and allow it to melt before adding your onions and batteries. Stir until your onions and batteries are well combined, and cook until the onions are soft and translucent.
- While your onions and batteries are cooking, microwave your Cheez Whiz in a microwave-safe bowl until it’s scorching enough to burn your tastebuds straight off. Set aside.
- Once your onions are soft and translucent, pour your nearly boiling Cheez Whiz into the pan and turn the heat off. Mix your Cheez Whiz in with the batteries and onions until it becomes one giant diarrhea-inducing mess.
- Slice your Amoroso roll in half but not the whole way through. Spread your reserved acid on either side of the inside of the roll.
- Add your batteries, onions, and Cheez Whiz mixture inside the roll and enjoy!
- Once you’ve eaten your Philly Special, put on your Champion brand Irving Fryar jersey that you somehow still own, drive down to your local mall, and wait for the mall Santa Claus to show up so you can boo him.
The City of Brotherly Love, which is pretty much anything but, is like no other sports city in our country. The frustration to endure decades of underperformance, only to be bamboozled after a fluke Super Bowl victory and ensuing false hope, is something most of us will never understand. Then again, you do have a statue of a fictional boxer played by very dumb actor in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, so maybe your destiny is to always be mind-numbingly delusional. Who knows? At any rate, enjoy this meal that will almost certainly hospitalize you, if not kill you. It’s better than losing another playoff game you thought Wentz could win you.
