Let’s Make Fun Of The Cowboys With This Week’s Gameday Grub: Tomahawk Steak

December 8, 2020December 8, 2020 Sam

In this week’s Tuesday night special edition of Gameday Grub, we’re firing up the grill to not only cook up a perfect tomahawk—or cowboy—steak but to sear away the past quarter-century of Dallas Cowboys mediocrity!

The Cowboys are terrible, pathetic, disappointing, benign—whatever you’d like to call them. Even worse are Cowboys fans who continually support a team run by a human who looks like he wears a skin suit made of his own skin over his own skin. Not even the affable, lovable Dak Prescott could help you before he went down with that gruesome ankle injury. Your coach is biscuits and gravy personified, you have the most wasted talent on the field, and yet you continue to believe your beloved franchise holds any weight in fan circles as “America’s Team.”

Tomahawk Steak

If Texas ever has one thing going for it, it’s beef. So, as you await your bludgeoning at the hands of a surely motivated Lamar Jackson, spend some of your precious time (trust me, you have years if you need it) preparing this ultimate cut and letting go of the past.

Specific equipment/materials:

Grill (gas or charcoal, doesn’t matter; neither makes a bad steak so shut up and stop having this argument)
Dying pride
All of your old Cowboys jerseys

Ingredients:

3-pound tomahawk ribeye, room temperature
2 tbsp. olive oil
Kosher salt and pepper
2 cloves roasted garlic
1 cup melted butter
2 tbsp. thyme (dried or fresh)
Corona for drinking because Tony Romo said so, and he’s the man

Directions:

Fire up that grill to at least 500 degrees. Grab a Corona.
While the grill is heating up, place your old Michael Irvin, Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, or Deion Sanders jersey(s) under the grates on and around the heat source. This is the part where you let go of the past and realize the Cowboys haven’t been a Super Bowl contender in 20-plus years.
While you’re waiting for your grill to heat and jerseys to burn, prepare your steak. Drizzle olive oil on both sides of the steak, then season liberally with kosher salt and black pepper.
Peel your roasted garlic (to roast, slice off the top of the garlic bulb, drizzle with olive oil, and cook covered in foil in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour). Place in your bowl of melted butter with salt, pepper, and some thyme.
Once your grill is at the desired heat and your jerseys have disintegrated into the dry Texas air, place your steak directly on the grates over direct heat. Brush a bit of your garlic butter mixture over the top, then close the grill.
Cook for 5 minutes, then flip your steak and baste liberally. But not too liberally, this is Texas after all. Close the grill again, but this time, close the grill as hard as you can on your ankle to induce a Dak-like injury.
After 5 more minutes of cooking and excruciating pain, turn off your grill except for one burner (if using charcoal, situate your heat to one side of the grill). Move the steak over indirect heat, baste again, then close your grill again. Remember it’s not all that bad that Andy Dalton is your quarterback right now; you once had Quincy Carter.
Every 5 minutes check your steak and bast until it reaches your desired doneness (if you cook your steak to medium or well done, slam your face on the hottest part of the grill, you dumb idiot).
Allow your steak to rest for 10–15 minutes before chowing down. In that time, you can remind yourself how close you were to a Super Bowl that one time Dez Bryant made the catch but was ruled to not have made the catch (Aaron Rodgers would have marched down the field and scored after that anyway).
Enjoy your steak with another ice cold Corona, and look down at the front of your pants to remember not everything is bigger in Texas. Oh, and schedule some surgery for that leg you crushed in the grill lid.

The Cowboys are bad, and you know it’s going to be a while before you live up to Jerry’s ’90s standards, which will likely be after he peels out of his rough skin suit into a new exoskeleton—about another decade or so. At the very least, you can look forward to winning your division with an 8–8 record when Dak returns in two years. Until then, work on living in the now and enjoying this delicious buttery steak, not because you deserve it, but because all you have truly is beef.