Cam And The Loser Patriots: A Celebratory Gameday Grub For Christmas

In this week’s edition of Gameday Grub, we’re inspired by Cam Newton and the New England Patriots during this holiday season. So we’ll try making these dry, weak homemade fig newtons to reflect their god-awful attempt at winning without Tom Brady.

If you thought the Patriots signing Cam Newton was a godsend to a team in dire need of a starting-caliber quarterback, you weren’t alone—but you were most certainly wrong. The Patriots offense is more anemic than Selena Gomez, who is actually anemic. With no receivers (didn’t seem to bother Brady) and a quarterback who resembles a clunky malfunctioning robot, we are likely to finally see a year in which the Patriots not only miss out on the AFC East title but miss the playoffs altogether. A Christmas miracle!

Christmas Cam Newtons

As Patriots fans crawl into the darkness for a little while (the Celtics and Bruins are getting into full swing, so they won’t be silent for long), you can cozy up by the yule log and try to enjoy this take on the classicly mealy and boring fig newton. You’re going to want a drink to take the taste of both kinds of newtons out of your dumb Bwahston mouths.

Specific equipment/materials:

• Electric hand mixer
• Piping bag
• Any music source capable of playing “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang
• Video surveillance
• Holiday spirit

Ingredients:

Fig Filling

• 14 oz. dry figs, sliced
• 1/4 cup orange juice
• 1/4 cup water
• 2 tbsp brown sugar
• Juice, zest of 1 lemon
• 1 lump coal, ground

Cookie Dough

• 1 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 tsp. baking soda
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 2 egg yolks
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract

Directions:

1. To prep, cue up “Celebration” and ensure your surveillance camera is pointed at the Jets.
2. Add your prepared figs, ground coal, orange juice, water, brown sugar, lemon juice, and lemon zest to a pot and stir. Cover the pot with a lid, bring to a boil, then lower the temperature to bring the mixture down to a simmer. Simmer for 20 minutes or until the figs are soft, like the Patriots’ defense after preseason opt-outs. You may need to add more liquid if it feels to dry.
3. Once figs are to the desired texture, process them in the food processor until smooth. Let the figs cool, then stuff the mixture into a piping bag. Pretend you’re running a quarterback power run on the one versus the Seahawks. Set aside.
4. Sift together flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon in a not-so-super bowl. In a separate bowl, beat together the butter, brown sugar, and granulated sugar until smooth. Toss in your egg yolks and beat until combined. Then beat in vanilla extract and gradually add your flour mixture.
5. Form your dough into a deflated football/deflated 20-year erection shape. Cover and chill for 30 minutes.
6. Divide your dough into six logs and line your work surface with plastic wrap. On your plastic wrap with each dough log, one at a time, add another piece of plastic wrap on top and roll out into a rectangle.
7. Pipe your filling like it’s Cam Newton’s hair going through a Play-Doh mold in the center of each rectangle. Lift one side of the bottom plastic wrap and fold the dough over the fig mixture. Press gently to spread (the Pats won’t cover) and flatten the filling between two layers of dough.
8. Unfold the cookie log by holding one side of the plastic wrap and rolling the dough until it’s seam side down. Cut the cookie log with a knife into fig newton-sized pieces.
9. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and bake for 10–12 minutes.
10. Cool your cookies on cooling racks then enjoy these lil Cam Newtons. Serve with egg nog, spiced cider, or some other drink we only drink around Christmas (let’s face it, you’re drinking alcohol during Christmas 2020; we all are). Gronk spike your newtons once you’re drunk enough to get angry at how dry and unimpressive they are.

Twahmy is gone, New Englanders, and we all know it stings to see him have success in sunny Florida while you sit on your cold rears and look forward to the coming hockey and basketball seasons. Even worse is that they’re just good enough to not be in the running for Trevor Lawrence, unless they trade all of that talent they don’t have for the first overall pick (however, the Jets may unsurprisingly be so Jets that they take a bad trade to continue being the worst team in the NFL for 10 more years). At any rate, for now, all of us non-Patriots fans’ wishes are being granted. Because, baby, all we want for Christmas is for the Patriots to finally miss the playoffs. Rejoice!