fbpx
Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

This Week’s Gameday Grub Is All About The Chicago Bears – Let’s Make Bear Burgers, Putin-Style

In this week’s edition of Gameday Grub, we’re mentally headed to the Windy City—and Russia. Bear is a real food in Russia, and Putin would be proud of how much loyalty the Chicago Bears continue to show for quarterback Mitch Trubisky.

Gameday Grub

Boy howdy, the Bears are bad. We all knew their 5–1 start was a fluke and that their defense was the only thing keeping them relevant. They haven’t won a game since Week 6, and Trubisky proves time and time again that he is not the answer. The last quarterback to inspire hope (sort of) in Chicago was Smokin’ Jay Cutler, but not even he could live up to the low standards of a team that saw Rex freaking Grossman make it to a Super Bowl (somehow). Fans continue to see zero hope for the somewhat immediate future.

Bear Burgers

While the Bears plan their next questionable draft trade-up for a new signal caller, you can at least warm your wintertime cravings with a meaty treat fit for the great Kremlin dining hall. Yes, bear is edible, and Russians know what to do with it. Let’s just hope Putin doesn’t watch football. He—like many Bears fans at this point—may just get hungry for a taste of coach Matt Nagy’s head.

Bear

Specific equipment/materials:

  • Cast iron pan
  • Meat grinder
  • The oldest stereo you can find with a tape player
  • The Russian national anthem on tape
  • Communist ideals

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound bear meat
  • 1/3 pound beef or pork fat
  • 1 tbsp. vegetable oil
  • 4 sturdy hamburger rolls
  • Salt, pepper, and krokodil to taste

Directions:

  1. Fire up the old stereo and play the Russian national anthem as loud as possible.
  2. Mix your bear meat and fat together in a bowl, then send it through the grinder, just like the Bears sent Trubisky through the grinder as if he were a 10-year veteran.
  3. Once the meat mixture is ground, form into four patties and season. Go quite liberal with the salt and pepper, but be careful with the krokodil; too much will quickly deteriorate your digestive system from the inside out, much like Trubisky’s career has fallen apart.
  4. Heat your cast iron pan over medium high heat, then add your vegetable oil.
  5. Once the pan is as hot as Matt Nagy’s seat, fry your burgers for 4–5 minutes per side.
  6. When your burgers are ready set them aside to rest for 5–7 minutes. In the meantime, toast your buns in the fat left in the pan.
  7. Place the burgers in the buns and enjoy. Yes, these don’t have cheese, condiments, or toppings. Your communist ideals should tell you that there isn’t enough for everyone. You knew that going in, commie bastard.
  8. Either prepare to interfere with the next election or go horseback riding shirtless.

The Bears, led by a dejected Trubisky and a miserable Nagy, are not living up to standards that are barely there anymore anyway. They’re trash, and the fact that the Cubs have more promise year-in year-out should tell you everything you need to know. Their best hope now is to endure a long winter, shoot up some krokodil, eat a bear burger (with more krokodil), and come out the other side ready to serve their new fearless leader, Daddy Putin.

Sam

Sam is a writer and editor by trade but a useless information monger by heart. Each NFL season, he switches loyalties from the Raiders to Steelers at an average juncture of Week 6. Sam is known for his candor and for perfecting the art of the medium-rare ribeye. He has never been to Europe.

Avatar

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.