Gameday Grub Of The Week: Tuamisu
In this week’s edition of Gameday Grub, we’re bringing you Tuamisu, a classic Italian dessert with a South Florida spin—equal parts trashy and reflective of the delicious false hope that comes with being a Miami Dolphins fan.
As we all now know, rookie quarterback Tua Tagovailoa has been named the starter for the Dolphins Week 8 matchup against the Los Angeles Rams, in place of Ryan Fitzpatrick, who was just starting to make us believe he was good—again. It truly is Fitztragic, though, isn’t it?
Tuamisu
This recipe reminds us that we do actually kind of feel bad for Fitzpatrick, who said his heart was broken after the news. So what better to heal Team Fitzpatrick Dolphins fans than to feed them a decadent dessert? We’ll even help them get over the hump by adding a little artistic flair to finish.
Specific equipment/materials:
- Electric hand or stand mixer
- 8×8 pan (think Dolphins best possible record if you need to shop for one)
- False hope about Tua’s health and the future of the Dolphins
- Your finest Pitbull playlist
Ingredients:
- 1 1/2 cups heavy cream
- 8-ounce container mascarpone cheese, room temp.
- 1/3 cup sugar
- 1 tsp. vanilla extract
- 1 1/2 cups cold espresso
- 3 tbsp. coffee liquer
- 1 package ladyfingers
- 1 heart of Ryan Fitzpatrick, dried and ground (fresh Miami cocaine works in a pinch)
Directions:
- Get your Pitbull playlist going louder than your ears can handle. Add heavy cream to a mixing bowl and beat on medium speed with your mixer. Slowly add sugar and vanilla like you’re slowly burying Fitzpatrick’s career, until you’re stif—have stiff peaks. Add mascarpone cheese and mix until combined.
- Add espresso and liqueur to a small bowl. Dip your lady’s fingers in the coffee, then dip the ladyfingers in the coffee (just a quick dip for both; don’t soak ‘em!). Lay the slightly dank fingers in a single layer on the bottom of your 8×8 pan.
- Smooth half of the mascarpone mixture over the top. Add another layer of moist ladyfingers, then another layer of the mascarpone mixture.
- Take your dried and ground Fitzpatrick heart (or that sweet white toot), do a quick bump, then sprinkle the rest over the top of the Tuamisu, adding extra where needed to create a unique Tua face design.
- Refrigerate for 3–4 hours, just enough time to watch a ’72 Dolphins Super Bowl replay (it’s all you’ve had for a long time, Dolphins fans). Serve cold and forget to eat it, because you’ll be high on either dried heart or coke and not hungry at all.
No matter the Dolphins signal caller, the team is likely destined to continue its perennial mediocrity. But while this recipe is designed to soften the blow of being a basement franchise, it may just offer some optimism about the future. Despite their troubles, Tua is a good football player (yes, he’ll eventually be better than Fitzpatrick, if not already). And if he stays healthy, he may just feed Dolphins fans some hope for the future. Or he could be hurt for 10 years and add more of one particular ingredient to this recipe: broken hearts.
Good grubbin’, KB Army!
