A Recap of The Bachelor From A Guy – Women Tell All

Before I begin this week’s recap, take some time to send some prayers up for the city of Nashville and Cookeville as they’re recovering from a couple of tragic tornados that ripped through the area on Monday night. As of writing this, 25 people were killed, many others injured, and a countless number of lives were effected by lost homes, cars, jobs, etc. Nashville is not only a home to many people who have appeared on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, a prime setting of that weird new American Idol/Bachelor hybrid show, but it’s also my hometown.

If you’re looking for ways to help, the radio station I used to work at put together a solid link of different ways to contribute: check that out here.

Nashville’s official convention and visitors bureau also put together a pretty strong list: check that out here.

Or if you care to help by purchasing a t-shirt, my guys at HANG TN have put together this shirt, with all proceeds going to The Middle Tennessee Emergency Response Fund.

I know a few weeks back, I made some jokes about the local meteorologists cutting into my Bachelor feed, but in all seriousness, those people save lives, as I’m sure they did for many last night as The Bachelor did not air until midnight central due to the severe storm warnings interrupting coverage. Thank you to all of the local journalists who have worked countless hours to not only warn, but to also report.

Not a lot of people know about the flood in 2010 that flooded much of the Middle Tennessee area including downtown Nashville from the Cumberland River up to 5th Avenue which caused over $2 billion worth of damage, but Nashville came together and bounced back even stronger from that. I know because of the influx of pedal taverns and bachelorette parties that have filled its streets since. So I know Nashville will do the same here and come back even stronger, just hopefully not with as many pedal taverns and bachelorette parties, please.

God bless you, Nashville.


Now, with all that said, let’s try and smile and laugh a little bit over this ridiculously great reality TV dating show, The Bachelor. Before we jump into this week’s episode, I have to share something that came up in my social media memories from ten years ago. My grandma, Loyce – who thank the Lord is still with us – used to send me email recaps of her thoughts on The Bachelor.

I guess that’s where I get it from? It runs in the family. Recapping The Bachelor is in my DNA. She was clearly upset that particular Bachelor picked the blonde (?). Also, she lied about not watching anymore. She definitely still watches, because I get these recaps from her over the phone now. I should also note that even though she types in ALL CAPS, she’s not yelling. I’ve never heard her yell outside of a game of Phase 10 in my entire life. She just turned 95, and God love her, she’s still going strong. Love you, Gram!

Alright, let’s get to the show…

The Rose Ceremony (from last week)

Can you believe we only have 2 episodes left? Unless, of course, you only count this week’s episode as a half-sode, in which case 1.5 episodes left? But keep in mind next week’s episode is a TWO-NIGHT event, so are we back up to 2.5 ‘sodes? I don’t know this is all too confusing. I just wish Chris Harrison would show up in my living room to tell me how many episodes are left like he does with the rose ceremonies.

We’re getting pretty deep into everything – which means every stinking moment for the rest of the season is going to be drawn out. Kind of like this week’s recap so far, amirite?! Look, I need to write about SOMETHING.

So the first ten minutes of this episode were filled with Chris Harrison giving one of his mini-State of the Bachelor addresses, before sending us all back out to Gold Coast, Australia, where we got to watch Hannah Ann and Victoria F. give monologues as they got ready for the rose ceremony. Hannah Ann laid out three dresses on the bed – as if that was necessary – and then somehow picked the worst of the three to put on. Victoria F. applied buckets worth of mascara because she has big eyes. And notably missing from this entire montage: Madison.

Was she there? Was she not? We didn’t know. Dun dun dunnnn.

The girls show up to the rose ceremony which looked like it was held on a outdoor home and garden display that you’d see outside of a Home Depot.

The Bachelor

The girls were visibly freezing. More like Cold Coast, amirite?! But they had to stand there and wait for Peter to wait for Madison to show up, as if it wasn’t any more obvious he wants to give her the final rose and just string the other girls along as backup plans.

Peter stood alone in what appeared to be the background to Windows XP desktop background.

Image result for windows desktop background

In fact, my man stood alone for so long, I’m surprised a screen saver didn’t appear.

So Peter just stood there, looking emotional, wondering if Madison was going to show up. Meanwhile, ABC producers were probably like, “Look, we need to go to break.” So they did. And when they came back, guess what? Peter was still standing there, as were the two girls, now looking like Rose at the end of Titanic with how cold they were.

But shortly after returning from commercial, guess who shows up? Mrs. Ultimatum But Not Really An Ultimatum Just More Of A Lifestyle Choice That I Was Hoping You Adhere To herself, Madison the Foster Parent Recruiter from Auburn, Alabama.

It was shocking to see her show up until you remembered what show you were watching, and then it was like, of course she showed. But I’ll say this, she was not happy, and trust me, as a guy who makes his wife mad more times than I care to admit, I know an unhappy woman when I see one. Madison was the kind of unhappy where if you asked if she was alright, she’d hit you back with a stern face saying, “I’m fine.”

Mainly because that essentially what she hit Chris Harrison with when he asked if she was alright.

“I’m fine.”

So Madison joined the other three girls on the Home Depot display patio (presented by Weber Grills, I’m sure), and Peter took his spot next to the table of two roses. He then stood there for a while, creating a pretty awkward silence, and being pretty inconsiderate if you ask me. The girls aren’t getting any warmer just standing there with the ocean breeze to their backs, Pete!

Then Peter started cry-talking. You know, the type of talking where the person is quivering and every word is on the verge of uncontrollable sobbing. I call it “cry-talking,” but you might call it “The Kelsey.” It was pretty uncomfortable, and made everyone long for the awkward silence we had before.

Peter said (through tears), “I am so grateful for our relationship. You all have a little piece of my heart… This right now is absolutely, like, destroying me.” Wow. Inspiring. Why does this man fly planes and not write greeting cards for a living? He then proceeded to hand out roses.

  • Hannah Ann

Not surprised here. She’s one of two girls remaining who didn’t fight with Peter every time he was with her and/or break up marriages (allegedly).

This is normally the part where Chris Harrison would come out and say, “Ladies, Peter, this is the final rose of the evening. Whenever you’re ready.” But unfortunately, he did not. My guess is he was busy attending to Fred Willard in the cage they have him locked up in.

Then the second rose went to…

  • Madison

Only this part was interesting. Madison refused to make eye contact with Peter throughout the entire rose ceremony. I’m not sure if it was intentional or just because her mascara looked like it was applied by Tim Burton.

Either way, she was still in “I’m fine” mode. So when Peter said her name, she didn’t walk forward right away. She paused. Thought for a second. And then walked forward. Peter asked her, “Madison, will you accept this rose?” And Madison paused AGAIN! Making us all believe she’d him with a “Nah, I’m good.” But instead she said, “Yeah.” Not “yes,” not “of course,” not even a “G’day” because they were in Australia. She said, “yeah,” which is only a minor notch above “sure, I guess?”

So Peter, as confused as the rest of us, asked her, “Are you sure?” Which might be the first time in the history of The Bachelor that “Will you accept this rose?” needed a follow-up question.


Part of me was surprised Madison didn’t respond with, “Look, I said what I said, alright? Now just give me the damn rose!”

This of course led to the elimination of Lilo, which I wasn’t sad about at all. Most of the time, this late in the game, I feel for the girls who get sent home, because after hometowns, you know most of the relationships are real. Yeah, not with Mrs. Chase Rice here. They couldn’t have escorted her out any sooner.

Side note: I feel like we need a name for the giant SUV they drive the rejected girls away in. I had a few ideas: the Chevy Ta-HO, the Nissan Wife-finder, the Chevy SOB-urban, the Dodge Deranged-Ho (for the crazy girls), the Honda CR-Y, or my favorite: the Cadillac EX-calade. Comment or tweet me if you have better ones.

And that was pretty much it for the rose ceremony portion of this show. Along with Chris Harrison assuring us that the end of this season is unlike anything we’ve ever seen in Bachelor history. Right. Sure. We got it.

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Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.


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