The Break-Up

No, not the one with Jen Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Although…

QUICK THE BREAK-UP SIDE NOTE: That film has arguably the most depressing ending in the history of Hollywood. Even more sad than the end of Cool Runnings. In fact, I have a bone to pick with that movie, because for as sad as the end was, the DVD offers an “alternate ending,” and I watched it only to learn it’s the same damn ending just in a different way. You’d think in a movie where the couple (spoiler alert) doesn’t end up together that the alternate ending would be them ending up together, but NOOOOPE! Thanks for nothing, people who made The Break-Up. Jerks.

So Hannah Ann shows up to an undisclosed house to talk to Peter while wearing pants with a zipper in the back, which first made me think she put her pants on backwards, but only Peter would be dumb enough to do something like that. Things were not looking good for H.A. Almost everyone could see the handwriting on the wall that she was getting broken up with. In fact, Hannah Ann had to know what she was getting herself into considering, a.) they were already engaged, and b.) there were cameras there to film.

Which makes me ask: why did they need to film this? This is literally reality TV sabotage. This wasn’t Peter finding out rumors about Hannah Ann post-show like Hannah B. did before she broke up with that country singing dog food salesman. Hannah Ann did nothing wrong, and still got done wrong on national TV.

After Peter basically told her it was over, Hannah Ann morphed into an adorable Baby Yoda-sized Incredible Hulk. Needless to say, she was pissed and let Peter have it. “You took away my first engagement. You took that away from me. Because I trusted you.”

Then Hannah Ann left to go to the bathroom, which had to be even more awkward than getting broken up with on live TV considering her zipper is in the back of her pants.

Peter eventually walked back to see her, and with tears streaming down his face, he said, “I’m so sorry. Like, this is, like, never what I ever, ever envisioned, ever.” At this point H.A. took off the ring and basically said, “I hope you have Neil Lane on speed dial because you should give this back to him.” (Maybe that’s why he was at the LIVE taping, to get his ring back?)

This next part of the conversation was NSFW because it contains a murder on network television.

“Sorry for what?” Hannah Ann asks. “For not being man enough to follow through with your words? For not being true to your words? Not being true to your feelings? Is that what you’re sorry for?”

It was then when the local coroner showed up ready to toe tag Peter Weber, but with his dying breath, Peter tried to say he was torn and conflicted. And in this moment, Hannah Ann unzipped his body bag, pulled his lifeless body BACK OUT and continued to mutilate his corpse on national TV.

“I need somebody to be true to their word. Not somebody who is ‘torn and conflicted’ all the time,” she said, as I clapped at the TV in my living room. “And all throughout, I stood by your side. And you took the most precious moment that I could ever imagine away from me. Because you, selfishly, just did not want me to walk away.” Call it. Time of death, a quarter past Hannah.

“I don’t need anything else from you. I’m done here,” H.A. said as she started to walk out. Peter tried to talk to her one last time and then she set off some major MyKenna vibes with an “I’m strong,” and “You don’t have to worry about me,” and “I’m going to get my life back on track.”

Oh, and I should mention that the entire time this murder is happening on TV, we got a picture-in-picture BARB CAM of the entire thing. And guess what?! She was clapping and cheering Hannah Ann on. Against her son! So as Hannah Ann was putting her son six feet under, Barb was – pardon my directness – pissing on the grave.

Then Peter walks Hannah Ann to the Chevy SOB-urban (is that the name we agreed on? Or was it the Cadillac EX-calade?), and he pokes his head in the door only to be given the stiff-arm by Hannah Ann.

Click the right arrow for H.A. In The Hot Seat / Harrison Visits Madi…