A Recap of The Bachelor From A Guy – Season Finale Part 2
If you missed the recap of Part 1 of the Finale, check it out here.
WHAT. DID. I. JUST. WATCH?
I’ll admit it. This season was awkward. This season was annoying. This season was special. Why? Because there were no spoilers. Finally my wife had no idea what the ending was. No one in America did. Reality Steve (re-occuring guest on my podcast) had no idea what was going to happen. Hell, Chris Harrison had no idea what was going to happen. Finally The Bachelor felt like sports, where no one knew the outcome and we all got to watch it play out together.
With millions of people watching it was the closest thing to the Super Bowl since well, the Super Bowl. I’m going to take you through all two hours, even though the pilot light (PP) didn’t ignite until the final thirty minutes.
The Final Rose Ceremony
Hmmm… I wonder who it’s going to go to.
We start off with a knock on the door. Hmmm… I wonder who it’s going to b–oh, it’s Neil Lane. Right. Of course. What’s up, Laney?
Peter and Neil pick out a rock that has more carats than a veggie tray at the end of a Super Bowl party. With as big as those rings were and as skinny as Hannah Ann is, she’ll be dragging her left hand on the ground caveman style, no doubt. As Peter was getting ready, they showed clips of Hannah Ann doing the same, except Hannah Ann’s way of getting ready is just to lay awkwardly on her bed.
In her interviews, Hannah Ann made it seem like she wasn’t 100% ready to commit since she has never gotten that 100% commitment from Peter, and because now she has to iron that dress a second time.
Since Peter is such a stand-up and classy gentleman, he made sure he had Hannah Ann’s dad’s blessing first and did so the old fashioned way, by facetiming him literally minutes before he proposed. Classy AF, Peter.
Then Peter walked onto the outdoor Home Depot display patio which was prepped for the final rose ceremony. As Peter stood there waiting for Hannah Ann – the love of his life for the last two days – to show up, down walked Chris Harrison. And let me tell you, it was a loooooong (and awkward) walk to get to Peter. Let’s just say Chris Harrison definitely got his steps in that day.
When Chris finally got there (4 minutes later), he told Peter that he didn’t want to put a damper on what should be a beautiful day, but then definitely put a damper on it. “To be honest, I’m not positive she’s coming,” Chris Harrison said.
Peter then gave us one of the most muted and befuddled “what’s” in the history of The Bachelor.
Peter:
CONSPIRACY: Hannah Ann never “left.” They just needed to manipulate drama. Chris Harrison told Peter that “she might not show.” Then however long later he told him she’s coming back. If you watch it back, you’ll notice there is no inkling (or even wardrobe change) from Hannah Ann that suggested she left. My guess is maybe she just needed more time to get ready (hashtag women, amirite?!) and Chris Harrison just covered for her in the most cruel way ever.
So Hannah Ann shows up in an awkward looking dress, which is on brand for her. We got a piped-in heartbeat hug (they’re piped in and I KNOW IT because heartbeats never used to be that loud during hugs in previous seasons – we’re on to you, ABC!), and then Peter took his sweet time proposing to her, and scared all of America when he name dropped Madison in his proposal.
Damn, I was hoping that was going to be this season’s crazy twist ending. He proposed to Hannah Ann, but accidentally called her Madison. Could you imagine the drama that would stir? Not just nationally, but in Peter’s own home with Barb (more on her later…)?! Instead, he basically said, “You have always been the love of my life for the last 48 hours since Madi left.” He tells her, “My heart chooses you forever.” (Again, now that Madi’s gone.) “I love you, Hannah Ann.” Then she responds with: “You love me? Oh, my God!”
PRO TIP: If you get proposed to by a guy, and your first reaction is shock and awe that he actually loves you, maybe it’s not the best idea to say yes.
After the proposal and fake celebration by the two of them (because Peter clearly wanted Madison and Hannah Ann clearly wanted to be The Bachelorette), they went their own ways and Peter went immediately to his parents’ house (shocker!) to tell them the news.
This was our first glimpse of Barb for the night, and let me just tell you that she had one hell of one… (but still, more on her later). Peter did his best Ryan Seacrest when telling his family who he chose. If my man dragged it out any longer, we would’ve been given an unprecedented three-night finale event.
“And, um, I’m so happy………. I really am……… Um……… it’s with my person……..… On the last day in Australia…….. I got down on one knee…… and I asked…….. Hannah Ann to marry me.”
As the words “Hannah Ann” left his lips, Barb – who apparently is epileptic – immediately went into a full-blown sob seizure. She lost control of every moving body part and made a crying noise that was higher pitched than most whale mating noises. Again, Barb, you’re not getting a spinoff show. Chill.
Then Peter’s horny younger brother immediately asked if he and Hannah Ann had “consummated the engagement yet” and “if yes, how was it?” No, I’m kidding. He didn’t ask that. But you know he was thinking it.
Only person hornier than Peter’s younger brother is Buzz Aldrin, apparently.
Click the right arrow for The Break-Up…
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