A Recap of The Bachelor From A Guy – Episode 7
An Old Fashioned Three-on-One Date
“Tomorrow won’t be easy.”
With two roses left, Peter set the remaining girls – Hannah Ann, Victoria F. and Kelley – up for a three-on-one date. Throughout the date, ABC tried their damndest to paint Kelley as a villain with the comments she was saying. Things like, “These other two girls are children,” “They’re not in the right phase of their lives to be in relationships,” and Victoria F. is “a hot mess.” But I’d like you to tell me which of these things is false. You can’t. You may not like the tone in which she said it, but I guarantee you it’s no different or worse than what you’ve said about these girls to your girlfriends while you judgingly sip your merlot curled up onto the couch at your Bachelor viewing party. Or if you’re a guy, the same scenario but with Bud Light Lime.
Now, I will say, Kelley did say she wanted to push the other two girls in front of a bus which maybe, mayyyyybe crossed the line.
Look, Kelley is a lawyer, so you know she can only speak the truth.
Hannah Ann was first up with one-on-one time with Peter, and with her fate on the line, she decided to pull out the stops and write him a letter, which may or may not have been written in gel pen. (Maybe Kelley was right? She is a child?) The letter was essentially lifted from the final scene of Ten Things I Hate About You, only it was like Nineteen Things I Love About You. And if we’re being real, it was more like Nineteen Things I Love About You That Are Actually Somehow More About Me.
A few of the things she read from her list was:
- You make time for ME
- You make ME feel beautiful
- You don’t make ME feel like I need to be perfect to please you
Notice how many of those things had the word ME in them. I’m not sure what else was on the list, but I can assume it was something like:
- You helped ME carry my shopping bags when I won that fashion show.
- You give ME roses.
- You picking me to go this far has given ME more Instagram followers.
While Hannah Ann is reading her list about Peter herself, Victoria F. is breaking down (shocker) and walks away. Peter returns to take Kelley for her one-on-one time, and it went about as chill as you can imagine. In fact, maybe even more chill. Kelley tells him that relationships don’t have to have drama (true) and can be fun (also true). Peter is turned off by this, saying, “I want this to be more than just fun.” He was alluding to the fact that he has an unhealthy fetish for tears.
Next up was Victoria F., a.k.a. grown-up Lilo.
Victoria F. and Peter’s time alone was not as smooth as Kelley’s and/or BuzzFeed Hannah Ann’s. Peter brings up their previous struggles and how the last time they spent together was difficult. Why? Well, for one, Victoria F. locked herself in a bathroom. But other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
The thing about Victoria F. is she gets incredibly moody during all of their alone time together, and she never makes eye contact with Peter when they talk, which is crazy considering how big her Disney princess eyes are. And despite all of this, Victoria F. still musters up the nerve to tell Peter that HE is always in such a mood.
Then she started crying, saying, “I don’t want to get to the end of the day and lose you. So it’s better not to have you in the first place.” Which I guess gives us her answer on the age-old question of whether or not it’s better to have had and lost than to never have had at all. Peter didn’t hear anything she said as he was too horned up from the fact that she was crying.
Peter returns to three women and tells them he doesn’t need a dinner date to make up his own mind. See what I mean? This dude is an idiot. Why would you turn down a free meal??
He asks Victoria F. if he can see her for a second and starts walking her toward a car. As they’re walking The Bachelor equivalent of the green mile, Victoria F. pleads for her life and cries a little bit. When they get to the car, he gives her the rose and sends her on the way, which I find to be incredibly hilarious. “Here, just take this rose and leave.”
When he returns to the other girls sans rose, Kelley is quick to notice, and since she’s way too intelligent for this show, she quickly reads the handwriting on the wall. Like most of us did as well, based solely on the fact that ABC edited this episode. They went so heavy with the clips of Kelley being confident that you knew she was about to be sent home. Peter gave Hannah Ann the last rose, and walked Kelley out.
Hannah Ann, realizing she had yet to earn that rose by crying, immediately let out the most obnoxious fake cry the history of mankind has ever seen. Her cry sounded exactly like Kawhi Leonard’s laugh.
Upon her exit, Kelley was as cool and calm as her entrance and literally every second she was on this show. She knew Peter was a moron, just like all of us watching at home. However, next week is hometown dates, so I can understand if Peter didn’t want to meet Kelley’s family.
Let’s quickly recap who got roses this week…
- Madison – opened up about her religion and scared Peter
- Kelsey – cried when talking about her family
- Victoria F. – cried when talking about her and Peter’s relationship
- Hannah Ann – cried after getting the rose
Let’s recap who didn’t get a rose this week…
- Natasha – never really cried
- Kelley – hasn’t cried since the legal team botched the case in Miracle on 34th Street
Look, is it the Final Four I would’ve chosen? No. But any Final Four without Duke in it is ok by me.
click the right arrow for the Questions of the Week…
