Yeah, no.

What the hell is this?

We just want some affordable out-of-market football, not guac added to our burrito bowl. Why you gotta make this so much more expensive than DirecTV?

Are you not making enough money from the :15 second ads I have to sit through before watching a compilation video of every f-bomb in Succession? Are times tight for the second most visited website (and now 5th biggest cable company) in the world? Bad enough you sponsor every major sport’s championship making commentators add the “NBA Finals presented by YouTube TV” and/or the “World Series powered by YouTube TV,” but now you’re going to charge us almost as much as a carton of eggs for some football? Pretty sure football is the country’s new pastime. How are we supposed to pass the time when we can’t even afford it?

Plus, this price doesn’t even offer you EVERY NFL game. You still need…

And don’t even hit me with that “It’s only $100 per month!” crap. Anyone coming to the defense of this can go ahead and punch yourself in the nose. Lemme guess, you stick up for big oil when gas prices rise. “Exxon Mobil has to cover their ass for the rising cost of gas barrels!” I bet you LOVE that a large soda and popcorn is only a dollar more than the $15 medium soda and popcorn at the movies. “It’s an economically sound business model if we’re being honest!” Hell, I’d be willing to bet you rooted on Martin Shkreli when he jacked up the price for pharmaceuticals 5000%. “It’s the golden rule! He who has the gold, makes the rules!” And don’t tell me these companies “have to raise their rates to keep with modern inflation rates.” First off, you’re a nerd. Second, Costco hasn’t raised the prices of their hot dog since F.D.R. was president and I’m pretty sure they’re not exactly hurting for business. Their lines on Saturdays will back me up. So screw YouTube TV and their big tech price jack. Bad enough that we have to pay for Twitter just to post long videos. Now this other social media turned cable company is making us take out a second mortgage to watch out-of-market football games? And this is AFTER they announced YouTube TV subscribers are getting a 12% price increase on their bill this year. Here’s a thought, big tech. Maybe don’t offer gourmet avocado toast to your employees in your company cafeteria every morning and that should allow you to hit us with some Costco hot dog prices.

Look, maybe we were too quick to rue DirecTV. Sure, they’ve held that Sunday Ticket monopoly since 1994. But we drove out that mom and pop for this new Wal-Mart, and suddenly the lyrics to that Counting Crows cover make so much more sense now. They truly did pave paradise and put up a parking lot. A parking lot that costs nearly $500 to park at.

DirecTV, we miss you.

(Oh, and enjoy the ads before this :11-second video!)

The post YouTube Unveiled Their Prices for NFL Sunday Ticket And You Can’t Even Afford To Look At Them appeared first on Korked Bats.

Clearly, the biggest NFL head coaching news of the week was the decision to cast Kevin James as Sean Payton. Nothing else even comes close.

This has to be the most head-scratching, phone-it-in decision of all time. This isn’t a knock at Kevin James. I know there are a ton (read: probably too many) Kevin James stans out there who will be willing to slit throats in the name of Paul Blart. This is more so a knock at the casting director for thinking The King of Queens could pull this off.

But this got us thinking if the person who was responsible for casting Kevin James as Sean Payton was in charge of casting other NFL people, this is what we’d get.

Roger Goodell

Played by Ron Howard’s brother

[divider][/divider]

Patrick Mahomes

Played by David Duchovney

[divider][/divider]

Jim Nantz

Played by Claire Danes

[divider][/divider]

JJ Watt

Played by the guy who played McLovin

[divider][/divider]

Tom Brady

Played by Susan Sarandon

[divider][/divider]

Bill Belichick

Played by Kevin Smith

[divider][/divider]

Mike Tomlin

Played by Ed Helms

The post Other NFL Casting Decisions Made By The Person Who Casted Kevin James As Sean Payton appeared first on Korked Bats.

Alright. I’ll be the first to bite. What the hell is this?

An outside advisory committee that will advise Roger Roogell on COVID-19?? And it’s made up of:

• a cornerback with two last names
• a wide receiver with two first names
• a former GM and analyst who always feels like he’s asleep
• a man who’s skin flakes in temperatures below 40 degrees
• the Bengals head coach who could not be fired, until he was
• the guy from the Head and Shoulders commercials
• the man responsible for Peyton Manning’s success
• and Rick Smith

Now look, I’m writing this blog blindly. I haven’t read anything. You’re just getting my raw, instant, unfiltered take which is this: Why would you turn to these guys as outside advisors for COVID-19? Shouldn’t you be turning to – oh I don’t know – DOCTORS?!

America started to turn on Roger Goodell after he appeared somewhat likeable while getting drunk in his basement during the draft, but now it appears he’s back on brand doing dumb stuff and questionable decision making. How do I know? Because he just assembled a Longest Yard team to advise on a global pandemic. Is COVID running a nickel defense? Then maybe Troy Polamalu should help. Is COVID constantly showing up late? Get it to adjust to Coughlin time. Are you trying to bore COVID into submission? Charlie Casserly has you covered.

I’d like to give Goodell credit and say this is just a facade, but his track record has proven he doesn’t really deserve it and this is probably the group of guys he’s seeking actual medical opinions for the entire NFL. Regardless, can’t wait to see how this pans out.

The post Roger Goodell’s New Outside Advisory Committee For COVID-19 Is A Who’s Who Of WTF? appeared first on Korked Bats.

…ban jersey swaps?

SOURCE – The NFL has banned jersey exchanges in 2020 as the league attempts to play through the coronavirus pandemic, according to a set of protocols distributed to teams Wednesday and obtained Thursday by ESPN.

That oughta do it.

I guess?

I mean, nevermind the fact that players will be playing full-contact tackle football, trading sweat, blood, and spit for two-and-a-half hours prior to that. This jersey swap should be the thing to keep the players safe.

Again, just to reiterate: the football part of football hasn’t been banned, but the postgame outfit exchange has. I mean, are those players TRYING TO CATCH COVID?!

A few other COVID-KILLING techniques the league is implementing:

• Players and coaches are “strongly encouraged” but not required to wear masks on the sidelines
  • pretty sure coaches have been masking their mouths with their play-sheets for years before any global pandemic
• Players and coaches must submit to multiple temperature checks before games and cannot participate if they have a fever of more than 100.4 degrees.
• Every effort must be made to space lockers 6 feet apart in both the home and visitors locker room. Plexiglass partitions are also an option.
• Players are required to spend the night before games at the team hotel, even if they are playing in their home stadium.

And here’s my favorite one:

• Arrangements must be made to ensure that there are no shared water cups or bottles on the sideline.

Which means no more of these:

But at least it means maybe now the NFL will be able to utilize communion trays from church to pass out water:

But again, I should reiterate: they will still be playing full-contact tackle football.

Look, hopefully no one from the NFL reads this and/or Richard Sherman’s tweets, because I’m not trying to get football canceled. All I’m saying is that the NFL banning jersey swaps is like Jurassic Park banning smoking. That’s not exactly the biggest threat here.

However, while I got you here, let me rant on jersey swapping for a sec. When did this become a thing? When did NFL players turn into NFL fan boys? I mean watching these athletes meet at midfield for a photo op and to exchange wardrobes kinda kills the intensity of the sport. It eliminates any gladiator persona these guys had. Imagine Maximus swapping chest plates with some dead dude after a match. It’s just kinda lame.

As a fan, the last thing I want to see is my team’s best player host a uniform swap-meet at midfield after a 28-point loss. Why are you trading clothes anyway? You’re NFL athletes not high school sisters. What’s next? Are NBA players gonna start paying for Cameos from other NBA players? Will NHL players start asking for sticks from their favorite players after games? At what point do MLB players start chasing down foul balls for a souvenir?

Ok, I’m not a total stick in the mud. Athletes have respect for their peers. And this is a sign of that. But if you absolutely HAVE to have their sweaty shirt after a game, do it in the bowels of the stadium after the game, away from both the cameras and the stank of a loss.

But if this is a casualty of this global pandemic, then maybe this whole thing was worth it?

The biggest casualty from this announcement? Odell Beckham Jr.

Our thoughts and condolences go out to the jersey swapping king. The man who sits atop a throne of exchanged jerseys from opponents. He’s gotta be having a rough day today. This is probably the worst news he’s been hit with since he was told he had to practice the week of the playoffs, forcing him to prematurely cancel his boy band boat party.

The post NFL Figured Out How To Prevent Spreading COVID: Ban Postgame Jersey Swaps appeared first on Korked Bats.

Old, somewhat washed up celebrities always follow the same path. When the touring numbers start to drop, they set up a residency in Vegas. Don’t get me wrong. Not every act in Vegas is washed up. They also have Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga, and J-Lo – trust me, fellas. Even in her 50’s, she’s still, she’s still Jenny from the Block. But the Pro Bowl is no J-Lo. And hasn’t been anything close since at least when Sean Taylor committed manslaughter against that Redskins punter in broad daylight.

Yes, that was from an actual Pro Bowl, and a bigger hit than Jennifer Lopez could ever produce. Young kids today probably didn’t even know they made tackles in Pro Bowls. But I assure you, TikTokers, they did.

Unfortunately these days, you’ll see more hits from oxygen tank-wielding blue hairs at the blackjack table than you will at the Pro Bowl. Instead of playing craps, you’ll now be able to see the NFL’s best play like crap. Suddenly, Carrot Top isn’t the least entertaining show in town anymore.

The Las Vegas Outlaws (RIP in peace) gave that city better football than the Pro Bowl will. The Pro Bowl just isn’t what it used to be. Which is why it’s fitting it now shares a city with Christina Aguilera. Hell, the Pro Bowl should open for Xtina.

But the boringness of the Pro Bowl aside, this move makes sense. The Pro Bowl needed any excuse to get out of Orlando. Why? Because I’m pretty sure it rained every year the Pro Bowl was in Mickey Mouse’s zip code. Even God didn’t want the Pro Bowl in Orlando.

At least this way the destination is more desirable for fans. And hopefully the players too. Because let’s face it, for the last decade or so, the NFL hasn’t been the Pro Bowl. It’s been the Reserves Bowl. As in anyone who gets voted into this thing always declines make the second or third choice the one who ends up playing in the game. I’m sorry, but we want to see Travis Kelce, not Dallas Goedert.

No offense, Dallas Goedert.

But I do believe there’s things Vegas can do to make the Pro Bowl better. You know how casinos in Vegas pump in oxygen and aromas to give people energy and keep them awake? Hopefully they do the same at Allegient Stadium to pump a little life in the sleepwalking NFL all-stars. Or maybe scrap the game at Allegient altogether. Utilize the plan that was established for the canceled 2020 Draft and just play the game in the middle of the Bellagio fountain. I’d watch Jadeveon Clowney sack Kirk Cousins into the water. Or if gambling in Vegas is legal, maybe have players make bets on themselves before every play, a la Pete Rose, who will probably be sitting at a card table outside the game signing autographs.

I’m just surprised they made this announcement so early. I figured Roger Goodell would’ve announced Vegas getting the 2021 Pro Bowl at halftime of the 2021 Pro Bowl.

Am I excited that the Pro Bowl is in Vegas? Sure. Again, it’s no Hawaii, but few places are, and it’s a million times better than Orlando. Plus, Andy Reid will still wear floral prints regardless of the location. And not that we needed another excuse to go to Vegas, but this gives us another excuse to go to Vegas.

ME: “Honey, me and the boys are going to Vegas for the Pro Bowl. Cool?”

WIFE: “The Pro Bowl? As in the sporting event you will swerve out of your way to make fun of and take shots at 364 days out of the year? The same event you claim is unwatchable, but yet on that Sunday before the Super Bowl, you rip the remote away from me just to watch a Mic’d Up Russell Wilson take photos with fans on the sidelines? That Pro Bowl?”

ME: “Um. Yes?”

Sign me up. Not to watch the Pro Bowl. But to go to Vegas for a weekend in late January pretending it’s because of the Pro Bowl.

The post Washed Up Acts Always Set Up Residencies In Vegas. In Other News, The 2021 Pro Bowl Will Be In Vegas appeared first on Korked Bats.

This is what he said in response to the biggest fine he ever got:

“The G-est thing Mike Tomlin ever did, he handed me an envelope after that. I ain’t going to say what, but he handed me an envelope after that.”

The “that” Harrison is referring to is the hit that occurred during the 2010 Steelers-Browns game, which resulted in a 28-10 Steelers win. Late in the 2nd quarter, the revolving door that is the Browns quarterback, Colt McCoy threw a pass across the middle to Mohammed Massaquoi, only to be met forcefully by James Harrison. While the play was not flagged on the field, Harrison received a hefty fine of $75,000 (which was later reduced to $50,000) from the league. It was this fine that allegedly led to Coach Tomlin “handing” Harrison an envelope.

Regardless of the validity of James Harrison’s story, we started to wonder what MAY have been in this alleged envelope.

• two tickets to paradise
  • That hit was so vicious that Coach Tomlin wanted to make sure Harrison could get out of the country, if necessary.

• Box Tops for Education
  • Coach Tomlin, like every great coach, is always looking out for his players’ families. Harrison’s kids were able to raise a whopping $22 for education from 220 Box Tops!

• The whereabouts of Tupac Shakur
  • We all know he’s not dead.

• The answer to who killed Kennedy
  • One of life’s greatest mysteries but Coach Tomlin had the answer and felt like he just had to share it.

• The 2011 Oscar Winners
  • Coach Tomlin, a known movie buff, got the inside info on Best Picture winner The King’s Speech and couldn’t keep the secret to himself. Fortunately, it was the correct envelope.

• Stamps
  • Coach Tomlin, an avid stamp collector, gifted Harrison a portion of his stamp collection. What good is an envelope without some stamps?

• The two tickets Harrison left for his dad at Will Call
  • Tomlin: “He just never showed up, James… I’m sorry.”

• An invoice from Goodell
  • The league acted fast after the hit and had the fine handed down from the HQ immediately after the game. Coach Tomlin was simply the liaison.

Don’t worry, though. James Harrison has since defended Coach Tomlin against… ummm… his own claims?

Wow y’all really comparing what I said to BOUNTYGATE?!? Mike T. Has NEVER paid me for hurting someone or TRYING to hurt someone or put a bounty on ANYBODY! If you knew the full story of what happened back then you’d know that BS fine for a Legal Play wasn’t even penalized during the game. The league was getting pressure because the first concussion lawsuits were starting and they had to look like they cared about player safety all of a sudden. Before that they had been SELLING a photo of THAT SAME PLAY FOR $55 on the NFL website with other videos of the NFL’S GREATEST HITS that the league Profited On back then. When the league had to start pretending like they cared about player safety they took all those things down off their website and they started fining guys ridiculous amounts for the same plays they used to profit off of. EVERYBODY knew it – even these same media people and all the fans that were sending money to me and the team to cover the fine. AGAIN AT NO TIME did Mike T. EVER suggest anybody hurt anybody or that they’d be rewarded for anything like that. GTFOH with that BS!!!

#receipts

So, um, sorry, Mr. Harrison, but one quick follow up… what WAS in the envelope?

The post What Exactly Was In The “Envelope” Mike Tomlin Gave To James Harrison? appeared first on Korked Bats.

That’s how I imagine foreplay goes in the Goodell household. Not that I regularly imagine how foreplay goes in the Goodell household. Ya know what? Just shut up!

Look, Goodell treated the NFL Draft like it was the Oscars, busting out a mid-show wardrobe change and it’s weird. He’s Roger Goodell. Not Mr. Rogers. Only reason he did this was because he was at home and he could. He never does this at NFL Drafts when they’re held outside of his basement.

I just don’t know why he didn’t opt for something more comfortable, rather than something more restrictive. You ever try and rock a sweater over a button-up shirt? It’s more snug than a bro hug from an NFL Draft prospect, which maybe is why he did it. But unless you have the physique of Ryan Gosling, it’s almost impossible to pull off, because it makes you look thicker than you probably already are. If Goodell was really trying to get more comfortably, he should’ve just gone the Henry Ruggs route and slipped into a damn bathrobe.

And did he think we wouldn’t notice? We noticed a kid pooping in Mike Vrabel’s war room. Of course we’d notice you ditching the blazer for a sweater. Also, what a very Massachusetts wardrobe change. Let me guess, he slipped off his penny loafers for a pair of Sperry’s too?

I tried to come up with a list of reasons why Roger Goodell would’ve had to make a change of clothes midway through the draft:

• His wife made him wear the blazer to start, even though he didn’t want to. Then midway through the draft he realized, “Wait a minute, this is a MANcave. Keyword: MAN! MY MANCAVE! And my cave, my rules! I’m wearing whatever I damn-well choose!” Then his wife yelled at him for cussing in the house to which he apologized profusely for the rest of the night.
• he spilled wine on his shirt and needed to cover it up
  • this one actually makes too much sense when you consider how drunk he sounded later on in the evening.

The guy was clearly playing along with our NFL Draft Drinking Game.

• Chris Johnson hired him to kill a couple people which led him to spill a little bit of blood on his shirt.
• In an effort to really try and relate to his players, he finally got around to watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and decided to dress like his favorite character, Carlton. (Nevermind the fact the show went off the air 3-4 years before any of the current draftees were born).
• Really starting to believe that he killed someone
• Roger Goodell wants you to know he’s a cool pastor who can relate to what you need out of a church.
• Maybe Roger puts on a sweater every night at 11:45pm?
• Yeah, a guy on his TV crew definitely screwed something up and NOBODY screws anything up in Roger’s mancave. You hear me? NOBODY!
• Maybe he works part time as a real estate agent and needed to show a few homes right after this.
• Roger was probably like, “Let’s see what I have in my closet to make me look a little LESS trustworthy.”
• He probably went right up to the boom mic operator, knocked him to the ground, pulled out a switch blade and slit his throat, while grunting, “We do not make mistakes in this house! EVER!”
• I bet he was going camping with a bunch of venture capitalist guys after this. Because that seems like the proper attire for camping with venture capitalists.
• Wait… is Brooks Brothers an NFL sponsor?
• Once the body went lifeless, Roger began shouting orders. “Alright, you over there, help me hide this body,” he said while covered in blood. “Gosh, now I gotta go change. I’ll be right back.”
• Actually, you know what? It was probably just wine. He spilt wine.

The post Why Did Roger Goodell Change Clothes In The Middle of The NFL Draft Last Night? appeared first on Korked Bats.

And please, drink responsibly. Don’t drink and drive.

Actually, in times like these, don’t drive at all.

FOLLOW:

Korked Bats – Twitter | Instagram • Korked Beers – Twitter | Instagram

The post The Official NFL Draft Drinking Game appeared first on Korked Bats.

FOXBOROUGH, MASS — Tom Brady announced on his Facebook page like some sort of out-of-touch aunt that he will not appeal the NFL’s appeal of his appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal.

This means he will be forced to serve a 4-game suspension to start the 2016 NFL season. Unless he decides to appeal his non-appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal.

Brady’s Facebook post sent shock waves through the NFL, leaving many in the sports world surprised. Not because Brady was declining to continue the appeal merry-go-round, but because Brady’s post was the only non-political post on Facebook.

In the post, Brady wrote:

“I’m very grateful for the overwhelming support I’ve received from Mr. Kraft, the Kraft family, drunk Ben Affleck on Bill Simmons’ HBO show, Bill Simmons, coach Belichick, my coaches, my guys the “Deflators,” UGGs, the NFLPA, my agents, my agents’ agents, Commissioner Roger Goodell, my loving family and most of all, our fans. Oh, and my teammates, even the ones who’s names I can’t remember. It has been a challenging 7 years of Deflategate and I have made the difficult decision to no longer proceed with the legal process. This whole process has left me deflated and I just want it to end. Plus, 3 of the 4 games I will miss will be at home against crappy teams. Seriously, if Jimmy Garoppolo can’t beat the Dolphins, Texans, and Bills at home, then the NFL should suspend HIM for four games. Anyway, I’m going to work hard to be the best cheater player I can be for the New England Patriots. I look forward to having the extra time off opportunity to return to New York Fashion Week the field this fall.”

Without another appeal from Brady, this seemingly puts an end to the Deflategate saga, which has lasted since the Reagan administration. Just kidding. Like Jason Voorhees, the Fast & the Furious franchise, and cargo shorts, Deflategate will never die.

The post Tom Brady Announces He Will Not Appeal the NFL’s Appeal of His Appeal… Appeal appeared first on Korked Bats.

BALTIMORE — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced earlier today that free agent running back Ray Rice has been suspended 16 games for a tweet Rice sent out late Friday night admitting to obvious domestic violence.

The tweet in question is this one, which Goodell states is a blatant NFL rules violation:

“The proverbial black eye that our league has received on my watch must not continue,” Goodell said. “Mr. Rice is on the forefront of what we are trying to eliminate, and him bragging about domestic violence in a fast food restaurant is just too much for our league to tolerate.”

Rice’s spokesman Carl Janson claims the league, especially commissioner Goodell, are seriously overreacting to the tweet. “I firmly believe that the league is just trying to stop the flooding of negative press, especially with the backlash over the Deflategate scandal. Ray only beat his wife in a game of checkers, not the fast food joint. Ray and his wife have never even been to a Checkers. bet 365 In fact, I don’t know of anyone who has been to a Checkers.”

Checkers Restaurant, which operates 14 stores in the state of Maryland, said that the NFL has already contacted them about the surveillance video featuring Mr. and Mrs. Rice. “We have no idea what they are talking about,” said Checkers CEO Hamilton Frieze. “There is no footage of Ray Rice or any Baltimore Raven in any of our restaurants.” Frieze also stated that Goodell has been snooping around in disguise asking employees what went down. تنزيل لعبة روليت “Mr Goodell showed up Saturday afternoon in a fake mustache using a British accent asking if the fight was on their cell phones. العب روليت اون لاين ”

Janson went on to add that the Rice family was having a family night of board games in which Ray was dominating, including the game checkers as stated in the tweet.  “Ray was just talking a little trash publicly about his dominance that night, nothing malicious happened.”

Just to be safe, the Baltimore Ravens have even issued a statement claiming Janay Rice “deeply regrets the role she played in the incident that night.”

When told that the tweet was about the game checkers and not the fast food chain, Goodell seemed confused, but was still planning on upholding the suspension. “If I revoked the suspension over a clear misunderstanding, it would come across like I know what I’m doing, which I clearly don’t,” Goodell told reporters.

Ray Rice could not be reached for comment, but his publicist did admit Rice celebrated his checkers victory by punching his wife.

The post Roger Goodell Suspends Ray Rice Again, Just To Be Safe appeared first on Korked Bats.