Tom Brady Destroys Deflategate Like It Was A Cell Phone

FOXBOROUGH, MASS — Tom Brady announced on his Facebook page like some sort of out-of-touch aunt that he will not appeal the NFL’s appeal of his appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal.

This means he will be forced to serve a 4-game suspension to start the 2016 NFL season. Unless he decides to appeal his non-appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal of the NFL’s appeal of his appeal.

Brady’s Facebook post sent shock waves through the NFL, leaving many in the sports world surprised. Not because Brady was declining to continue the appeal merry-go-round, but because Brady’s post was the only non-political post on Facebook.

In the post, Brady wrote:

“I’m very grateful for the overwhelming support I’ve received from Mr. Kraft, the Kraft family, drunk Ben Affleck on Bill Simmons’ HBO show, Bill Simmons, coach Belichick, my coaches, my guys the “Deflators,” UGGs, the NFLPA, my agents, my agents’ agents, Commissioner Roger Goodell, my loving family and most of all, our fans. Oh, and my teammates, even the ones who’s names I can’t remember. It has been a challenging 7 years of Deflategate and I have made the difficult decision to no longer proceed with the legal process. This whole process has left me deflated and I just want it to end. Plus, 3 of the 4 games I will miss will be at home against crappy teams. Seriously, if Jimmy Garoppolo can’t beat the Dolphins, Texans, and Bills at home, then the NFL should suspend HIM for four games. Anyway, I’m going to work hard to be the best cheater player I can be for the New England Patriots. I look forward to having the extra time off opportunity to return to New York Fashion Week the field this fall.”

Without another appeal from Brady, this seemingly puts an end to the Deflategate saga, which has lasted since the Reagan administration. Just kidding. Like Jason Voorhees, the Fast & the Furious franchise, and cargo shorts, Deflategate will never die.