I’m gonna need the player’s phone number and him to agree to be my texting buddy. Innocent, funny request. No big deal. I start off gentle. “Nice game big guy!” Supportive, friendly, light-hearted. “Tough loss, you’ll get em next time!” Things like that.

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

But then I start to gain his trust. He appreciates the kind words. He starts asking me about MY day. “3 sales before lunch? Nice buddy!” I’ve got him. A big league pal. We check in every day. Discuss the latest news. “Russia is crazy, right?!” All that stuff.

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

I’m his friend now. He trusts me. He starts gossiping about his team, the league, other sports. Suddenly, I’m an insider. I know all the information. I use my new source to gain other sources. Suddenly I have other friends in the league. Bigger fish. I don’t need him anymore.

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

He realizes this. His WAR is nothing compared to my other big league buddies. He gets desperate. He misses my daily texts. Hit him with the “Sorry man I just woke up” after not responding for a week. He’s real upset now. Offers to hire me as his agent. I accept.

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

Suddenly I’m a big deal in the industry. I start my MLB agency modestly. Team friendly deals for my local fan favorites, huge shoe deal on the side to supplement. We’re big on TikTok now. 800,000 follower. We made a new baseball dance. K pop bands are doing it.

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

But then – what’s this? MLB lockout. Again. The players need big changes. They only trust one guy to do it. Me. I have to barter with the owners. The owners hate me. That fuckin’ TikTok agent guy. What an idiot. I walk in. Brand new shoes my player released. Feet on the table.

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

They ask what they need to get a deal done. It’s May, the lockout needs to end. I’ve got one thing on my mind. One thing only. They say no way. They won’t give in. It’s impossible. They can’t do that. I tell them bye. I’m leaving. I’m heading out the door. Manfred stops me.

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

“Fine. Have it your way.” He gives me the original milestone ball back. He knew it’s what I wanted all along. “I had to cut a big check for that ball. This better mean we have a deal.” It doesn’t. I run. Ball in hand. These shoes do make you run faster.

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

I hop in the car. I’m on the interstate. I get to the airport. Shit. The police are waiting. Gotta think fast. Bang a U turn. Head back to Manfred. Apologize. Tell him I panicked. I’m ready to negotiate. We sit down at the table. Eight hours later…

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

I’m the commissioner now. Manfred resigns. I’m the captain now. And I get to keep the ball. All you “I’d get an autographed bat” people are chumps. Dream big.

— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022

That was amazing. I need a cigarette.

The post If You Catch A Milestone Home Run Ball, Here’s A Guide On What You Should Ask For appeared first on Korked Bats.

There are certain loves out there that feel more powerful than the cosmos. Derek Carr’s love for eyeliner, our site’s love for Derrick Henry, and Bob Nightengale’s newfound love for Frederick Freeman. Was this love always there? No, not when he was on the Braves. But since he put that intertwined L.A. on his cap, Bobert can’t stop tweeting about him. Don’t believe me? These are all of his tweets about him since FRIDAY!

FRED FREEMAN!

18 of his 41 tweets over the last 24 hours have been about Fred Freeman. THAT’S NEARLY EVERY OTHER TWEET. And the only reason it wasn’t more was because the Correa and Castellanos deals were dropped in the middle there, forcing Bobert to tweet about something other than the Dodgers’ new first baseman. My goodness, Boob. Might need to adjust your pants a little after a weekend long-bender of tweeting about Fred Freeman. Hell, Jeff Passan doesn’t even tweet about NFT’s that much. Especially weird for a guy who may be gone, but he is forgotten.

The post Try And Love Anything As Much As Bob Nightengale Loves Tweeting About Freddie Freeman appeared first on Korked Bats.

Okay. So maybe I’m the only one asking. And I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re thinking I’m crazy. And you’re not wrong. But hear me out on this one. The Braves had not won a World Series championship since 1995. The Georgia Bulldogs had not won a College Football National Championship since 1980. You are talking about droughts of 26 years and about 41 years respectively. For two incredibly storied brands in their respective sports, that’s a very long time, Jack. A very long time indeed.

So what does the Canadian Pop Star have to do with any of this? Great question. On March 19th of 2021, Mr. Bieber opened up the curtains to his life. He gave us a sneak peak inside, one might say. He told us where he gets his bounty of pitted fruits we all know and love as the peach. And it’s not Canada, my friends. It’s Georgia. His song “Peaches” hit number one on the Billboard Hot 100 on March 30th, just two days before the Braves went on their run to bring the hardware home. And look. I know he also says he gets his weed from California in the song as well. But the song ain’t named “Weed.” It’s named “Peaches.” And since Bieber released it, the state of Georgia has two championships.

Now, you might be asking, “What about the Hawks? What about the Falcons?” And I’ll give it to you. Those are fair questions. But two things. One, the Hawks proceeded to make it to the Eastern Conference Finals after Mr. Bieber released this hit. No one really expected them to do that. And two, I don’t need to tell you that I got “Justice” on vinyl for my birthday this past year to let you know I’m a Belieber (and also a little bougie). However, as great I think he is, even I know Justin isn’t a wizard that can reverse curses.

So, all of this to say, I think we need to start throwing a little more credit Justin’s way. He didn’t NEED to tell you where he got his peaches. He didn’t NEED to get a peach tattooed to his neck. But he did. And for better or worse, the state of Georgia has been bringing home trophies left and right. If the Winnipeg Jets (formally known as the Atlanta Thrashers) hoist the Stanley Cup this year, I think you have to give that one to Atlanta, too.

And Justin, if you ever see this, please write a song about Imo’s Pizza or Toasted Ravioli. As an entitled Cardinal’s fan, they haven’t won the World Series since 2011 and I’m getting antsy…

The post Does Justin Bieber Deserve Credit For The State of Georgia’s Recent Success In Sports? appeared first on Korked Bats.

You freaking did it.

Dance your ass off like Steve Ballmer announcing the release of Windows ’95. Because it’s been that long since the Braves have scaled this mountain.

The Braves won their last ring in the same year Amazon sold its first book. And now they’re winning their next ring the same year Amazon’s founder shipped himself into outer space. The same place Jorge Soler’s monster dong ended up tonight.

The Braves haven’t been able to flash a championship ring since POGS were a thing. Freakin’ POGS. The Braves went through an entire damn lifespan of a stadium (RIP in peace, Turner Field) without a world title. The city of Atlanta got and lost an entire NHL franchise in the time between Braves titles. Hell, even the Crime Dog won more titles with Tom Emanski’s back-to-back-to-back AAU champions.

But all that is flushed. All of that is gone. No more can people make Atlanta sports jokes. They’ve finally gotten that monkey off their back, which is good because Tyler Matzek needs somewhere to drape his third leg over.

I’m honestly happy for my Braves fan friends. From my online friends (@RileysRakes, @JeffMDonahoo, @AaronChewning, and @JDunnah) to my real-life friends (Grit, my childhood friend Rob Queener, and pretty much everyone I went to high school with), and – of course – to my life-long friends like Brian.

And I don’t mean this in some sort of condescending “good for you” or “I’m happy you finally get to experience what winning is like” type of way you’d get from many certain fans. *cough* St. Louis *cough* I mean this legitimately. I’m happy because I know it’s not easy to be a Braves fan. If it was, everyone would do it. But no one wants to, because no one wants to suffer the heartbreak, the pain, and all the 3-1 and 28-3 jokes my friends have had to endure.

No one wants to deal with the – what seemed like – endless pain and suffering from Craig Kimbrel being left in the pen to Lance Berkman’s grand slam off Farnsworth. From the Tiger Woods memes to the failed Rally Potatoes. From the 10-run first inning to St. Louis to Grit not paying up on his NLCS bet.

Hell, there were plenty of moments this year alone that were tough to stomach. From Acuña going down, to being under .500 at the All-Star Break, to Joc Pederson bleaching his hair blonde.

But all of that led to this moment. All of that hurt should only make this moment that much greater. Enjoy the hell out of it, Braves fans. You’re world champions.

P.S. On behalf of America, thank you for kicking Houston’s ass. They suck a massive 36-gallon Glad trash bag full of donkey dicks. We all hate them.

P.P.S. Extend Frederick Charles Freeman.

The post The Braves Did The Damn Thing For The First Time Since 1995 appeared first on Korked Bats.

As the lead purveyor of this blog, I can kinda do whatever the hell I want. And as a Dodgers fan – yes, I know, I’ll get to that in a sec – I’m officially turning Korked Bats into Korked Braves for the Fall Classic.

Full disclosure: I am a Dodgers fan. A massive one. If you didn’t know that, it’s probably because I don’t use this blog to flaunt my fandom, at least not like I do with Derrick Henry. Mainly because I know everyone hates the Dodgers and Dodgers fans. Plus, the world doesn’t need another obnoxious Dodgers fan. So I keep this fandom (my absolute most diehard fandom) to myself.

But this decision to turn this blog into a fan site for the team that just eliminated mine actually isn’t as difficult as you might imagine. At least personally. While losing in the NLCS (yet again) hurts like a papercut in the skin between your fingers, it doesn’t hurt as bad when they lose to the Braves. Let me explain. Growing up in Nashville, I was always fond of the Braves. I considered them my second favorite NL team. Can you even have a second favorite NL team? I actually always hate people who root for two teams. I think it’s lame. So I’ll just say that I have been fond of the Braves from the first time I went to Turner Field in 6th grade.

That’s me and my buddy Brian. He’s a massive Atlanta Braves fan, an avid Korked Bats reader and one of my best friends throughout childhood. Our moms took us out of school early on a Friday. We made the short drive down to Atlanta, went to the game, and stayed in a hotel. As you might imagine, it was dope.

My mom even let me get a hat from the Turner Field Team Store. I got this black and gray Braves hat. It was one of my favorite hats.

Also, I don’t think we were supposed to climb up on Hank Aaron’s number like that. But no one was going to tell me what to do. Not in my sick jorts and badass Dennis Rodman kicks.

So not only do I have a soft spot in my sports fandom for the Braves, but a lot of my friends are Braves fans, and like the Dodgers, they’ve been through the ringer for many years. Always great, but never great enough. So I get it. Plus, I’ve always been hella impressed and kinda jealous of just how awesome #BravesTwitter is. It’s not just relentless, it’s also hilarious and damn creative. Shout out Riley’s Rakes, Jeff Donahoo, and JDunnah. I want those dudes to be happy because they make me happy online.

Also, can’t forget talking to massive Braves honk and comedian (probably in that order) Aaron Chewning last year.

Aaron is insanely hilarious and I want him to be happy.

Hell, this blog also got really into the #RallyPotato movement last season. We even sold some shirts.

And on top of all of that, Waffle House is my favorite restaurant on earth. The Braves have Waffle Houses in their damn stadium. How can I not LOVE that?

Now look, I understand the optics on this look dumb. You can’t just jump onto a bandwagon whenever your team gets eliminated. That’s a dick move. You’re supposed to feel pain. I actually agree. And I do. I feel a lot of pain. But I want the Braves to win the World Series for a reason that runs much deeper. For a reason that plays into my pain. This isn’t a bandwagon jump more than it is revenge. Because more than everything said above, I want the Braves to win the World Series for one main reason:

• The Houston Astros suck a big ol’ bag of donkey wangs.

As a massive baseball fan, and Dodgers fans, I despise the Astros and what they did to Kershaw, the 2017 Dodgers (arguably the greatest Dodgers team I’ve ever seen in my life – and the fact that they took a cheating team to 7 games should only prove that), and the sport of baseball in general. They cheated the sport and deserve nothing but bad things. Especially since the commissioner’s office refused to punish them with bad things.

I would love nothing more than the Braves to give the Astros a swirley every single game. To kick them square in the nuts every single game. To piss in their cereal and make them eat it every single game. And I don’t mean this figuratively.

Especially with reports of them cheating… AGAIN. Listen for the whistles before pitches in the videos below:

So Braves fans, while you’re Ohhh Ohhh Ohhhh-ing, be on the listen for whistles.

And then do all of America a favor and kick the living crap out of the Astros, that escaped Santa’s workshop elf Jose Altuve, and that human catheter tube Carlos Correa. They deserve nothing but the worst things. And Braves fans, if you’re cool with it, Korked Bats is going all-in for the next 4-7 games on the Atlanta Braves.

P.S. Bill Plaschke sucks. If there’s one thing Braves fans and Dodgers fans can agree on, it’s that Bill Plaschke is the absolute worst. Trust me, #BravesTwitter, Dodgers fans might hate him more than you.

The post OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Korked Bats Is A Braves Blog For The 2021 World Series appeared first on Korked Bats.

Nope to all of the above.

But rather it’s this story about the Dippin Dots guy at Dodger Stadium.

I already love this guy.

And I’m not just saying that because I was once a Dippin’ Dots employee. I mean, it’s part of it. But to just answer the question “what’s good boss?” with “just running around selling Dippin’ Dots” is such an awesome reply. I kinda want to use that even if I’m not running around and selling Dippin’ Dots.

then the guy in front of me said "damn, you're living the dream" and dippin dots guy suddenly got really serious and said "no, the dream is selling churros"

anyway that was the best part of the dodger game tonight

— Sam Fishell (@SamFishell) October 21, 2021

Oh damn. It just got real. I felt that in my gut.

I guess contrary to popular belief, selling Dippin’ Dots at Dodger Stadium IS NOT the dream. Selling churros at Dodger Stadium is.

Which, I actually get it. It’s not a knock at my former employer, either. Dippin’ Dots are still great. A bit overpriced, but still great. But have you ever seen this guy before?

Oh hell yeah, churro guy. You can’t watch that and tell me other than the dream of every living American is to sell churros at Dodger Stadium. I wish my career path could lead me to churros at Chavez Ravine. But I, unfortunately, opted for radio. I’ll never get to sell churros at Dodger Stadium. Now I feel like a failure.

Sam goes on to tweet a couple of things he learned about vendors at Dodger Stadium:

• vendors get to pick what they sell based on seniority, so if you see someone selling churros at dodger stadium they’ve probably been there a while
• if you’re a vendor, it matters less what section you’re in and more if the dodgers are winning/weather/things like that as far as determining how many concessions you’re likely to sell

It’s true. I had a friend who used to be a vendor at Dodger Stadium and he would get stuck with pizzas, which apparently are not a top seller when it comes to section vendors. But he did get to make a lot of Mike Piazza/pizza puns. Even though he was playing for the Mets at the time.

P.S. The #1 question I always receive after people find out I worked at a Dippin’ Dots kiosk is always “If they’re the ice cream of the future, then why isn’t all ice cream Dippin’ Dots right now?” And it’s always asked in the most condescending and snarky tone. To which I reply: technically, we will never fully reach the future. The future is always ahead of us. So frankly, Dippin’ Dots will ALWAYS be the ice cream of the future.

I’ll give you a minute to clean the mess you just made from your mind being blown.

The post The Highlight Of NLCS Game 5 Was A Story About This Dodger Stadium Dippin’ Dots Vendor appeared first on Korked Bats.

And that’s it. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

The post Hey Braves, Here’s A List Of Every Reason Why You Should Re-Sign Frederick Charles Freeman appeared first on Korked Bats.

This thing is pretty self-explanatory. A ranking of how much each team’s fan bases drinks per game, with an additional note on how much they spend per game. Let’s break this down by select teams…

Atlanta Braves

C’mon, Braves. I love you, but I’m a little disappointed. I know finishing second is kinda your thing, but with consuming alcohol?? You literally have Waffle Houses in your stadium. And we all know you’re not allowed to eat at a Waffle House outside of breakfast hours without being hammered. You better correct that this year and win it all… which you very well might do on the field too.

St. Louis Cardinals

If there’s one thing St. Louis knows more than baseball, it’s beer. How on earth did they finish fifth from the bottom? Also, only $28 on average spent on alcohol?? Did they buy one beer? I’ve been to Busch. And I’ve been in debt ever since. I never thought I’d say this, but you need to step your beer game up, St. Louis. You’re down there hovering around with the California teams. And you know they don’t drink because of gluten and stuff. I’m not mad, just disappointed. Nolan Arenado won’t be able to fix this problem.

Chicago White Sox

They actually used to be ranked 25th on this list, but then they hired Tony La Russa.

Milwaukee Brewers

How do you finish tenth in this ranking when your team name is literally the Brewers?? Ya know, ever since you took Miller out of your stadium’s name, you guys have really changed. You’ve become really American Family friendly.

Colorado Rockies

At least one beer stadium (or former beer stadium) is holding up their namesake and finishing in the top 6. Although, after the offseason we just witnessed, they may skyrocket up the charts this season.

I’m really sorry, Rockies fans. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Chicago Cubs

Look, I know I’m kinda zoning in on the midwestern darlings of Major League Baseball, but that’s only because I expected more out of you guys. I don’t expect high alcohol intake from either coast. But the heart of the country? You guys should be drinking laps around the rest of the league. Especially, you Cubs! What happened to the Bleacher Bums? Have they been gentrified along with the rest of Wrigleyville?

Los Angeles Dodgers

Look, I get it. Dodger Stadium is a stone’s throw (or a former Yasiel Puig miss-his-cutoff-man throw) away from Hollywood, and image is everything in that city. I mean, heaven forbid you drink a carb. But 2.7 drinks per game? People get more liquored up during communion. You’re the world champs. Start drinking like it.

Miami Marlins

They average 3.3 drinks per game. That means their fan buys 3.3 drinks.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Shoutout to A.D. and his Buccos. Finishing middle of the pack for this current iteration of the Pirates should feel like a huge win. I just find it ironic that their fans spend more on beer per game than their front office does on players.

Philadelphia Phillies

They finished last only because they do all of their drinking in the parking lot before the game.

The post A Study Of Which MLB Fan Bases Drink The Most Has Dropped And We Have Thoughts appeared first on Korked Bats.

Because TikTok sure as hell hasn’t.

Let me catch some of you up to speed. Last October, the Los Angeles Dodgers and Atlanta Braves squared off in the NLCS. Grit is a Braves fan, and I, a Dodgers fan. So naturally, we made a bet on our critically acclaimed and award-winning podcast, The Junk Drawer (subscribe, rate and review).

We left it to our listeners to come up with punishments, and you guys came through. Check out some of the suggestions:

So SPOILER WARNING, the punishment chosen was you had to spend 24 straight hours in a Waffle House. Which for me and my love for that fine dining establishment, it sounds nice… but when you actually think about it, 24 straight hours anywhere kinda sucks. And for 4 games into the NLCS, it looked as though I would be spending a day of my life in a Waffle House.

However, before the series started, we amended the punishment if Grit were to lose. Since he has two young kids, spending 24 hours anywhere outside of tending to their every need would just be poor parenting. And although having kids taken by social services would free Grit up to do more fishing, beer-drinking, and watching the Vols, we decided it probably wouldn’t be best in the long run. So we drew another punishment for him: film a cringey TikTok video but you have to be entirely serious. Woof.

So Grit, being the nobleman he is, said he would not only do that if the Braves were to lose, but he’d also do it in public, in a Waffle House – to make up for him changing the punishment.

Well, as you all know, the Dodgers came back from being down 3-1 in the series to win the National League pennant. Which meant Grit was about to “corvette, corvette” or go “classic, bougee, ratchet” next to line cooks.

The NLCS concluded on October 18th.

It’s February 16th.

We’ve gotten sporadic updates on The Junk Drawer about where we stand with this TikTok.

• the filming for said TikTok has started
• he is filming on location at multiple Waffle Houses (I think six?)
• he has not made it to every Waffle House yet
• since the filming was taking so long, we set a deadline for Pitchers & Catchers reporting
• Pitchers & catchers reported today

We all agreed that it needed to be done no later than pitchers & catchers reporting. Well, that day is today.

When all is said and done, this is going to be the TikTok version of Boyhood.

Will he pay off this bet? I’m confident he will. Otherwise he’ll just have random clips of him dancing at other Waffle Houses on his phone for forever. But he did not meet the deadline we set out for him.

So if you see Grit on the streets, ring your bell and yell, “Shame!”

Or just straight up BOO him!

Or do the 2021 version of hating someone and just angrily tweet at them (@gritknox). I’m not a fan of online mobs grabbing their pitchforks and canceling people. But Grit needs to be held accountable. For the good of the people. And the bad of the Braves.

Release the TikTok, Grit.

P.S. – Listen to The Junk Drawer!

The post Shame! Shame! Shame! Grit Failed To Meet His Deadline For Our NLCS Bet Made Last October appeared first on Korked Bats.

Aaron Chewning is one of the funniest dudes on the Internet, and I can say that because I spend way too much time on the Internet. You may know him from Vine, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, or any of his viral videos about the Braves (some of which I posted below). He’s an awesome dude, and we have a ton of fun. We talk about:

• Braves Twitter
• the death of Vine (RIP in peace)
• when the Braves are winning the World Series
• a hilarious story him embarrassing himself in front of the Braves
• a game of Start/Bench/Cut – Braves edition
• what major brands he’s blocked by on Twitter
• what’s his go-to karaoke song?
• and a lightning round with many random questions

And as promised, here are some of his Braves videos. They’re awesome.

And if you’re one of those people who “doesn’t have the time” to sit and watch an 18-minute interview, especially during the “rush” of “the holiday season” or because you still need to “get gifts for family and loved ones” and stuff like that, well, at very least check out this hilarious story from the interview…

The post A Chat With Comedian (And Massive Braves Fan) Aaron Chewning appeared first on Korked Bats.