Thursday, April 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

The Braves Did The Damn Thing For The First Time Since 1995

Dammit, Braves. You did it.

You freaking did it.

Dance your ass off like Steve Ballmer announcing the release of Windows ’95. Because it’s been that long since the Braves have scaled this mountain.

The Braves won their last ring in the same year Amazon sold its first book. And now they’re winning their next ring the same year Amazon’s founder shipped himself into outer space. The same place Jorge Soler’s monster dong ended up tonight.

The Braves haven’t been able to flash a championship ring since POGS were a thing. Freakin’ POGS. The Braves went through an entire damn lifespan of a stadium (RIP in peace, Turner Field) without a world title. The city of Atlanta got and lost an entire NHL franchise in the time between Braves titles. Hell, even the Crime Dog won more titles with Tom Emanski’s back-to-back-to-back AAU champions.

But all that is flushed. All of that is gone. No more can people make Atlanta sports jokes. They’ve finally gotten that monkey off their back, which is good because Tyler Matzek needs somewhere to drape his third leg over.

I’m honestly happy for my Braves fan friends. From my online friends (@RileysRakes, @JeffMDonahoo, @AaronChewning, and @JDunnah) to my real-life friends (Grit, my childhood friend Rob Queener, and pretty much everyone I went to high school with), and – of course – to my life-long friends like Brian.

This one goes to Hammerin’ Hank. Sorry for climbing on your number.

And I don’t mean this in some sort of condescending “good for you” or “I’m happy you finally get to experience what winning is like” type of way you’d get from many certain fans. *cough* St. Louis *cough* I mean this legitimately. I’m happy because I know it’s not easy to be a Braves fan. If it was, everyone would do it. But no one wants to, because no one wants to suffer the heartbreak, the pain, and all the 3-1 and 28-3 jokes my friends have had to endure.

No one wants to deal with the – what seemed like – endless pain and suffering from Craig Kimbrel being left in the pen to Lance Berkman’s grand slam off Farnsworth. From the Tiger Woods memes to the failed Rally Potatoes. From the 10-run first inning to St. Louis to Grit not paying up on his NLCS bet.

Hell, there were plenty of moments this year alone that were tough to stomach. From Acuña going down, to being under .500 at the All-Star Break, to Joc Pederson bleaching his hair blonde.

But all of that led to this moment. All of that hurt should only make this moment that much greater. Enjoy the hell out of it, Braves fans. You’re world champions.

P.S. On behalf of America, thank you for kicking Houston’s ass. They suck a massive 36-gallon Glad trash bag full of donkey dicks. We all hate them.

P.P.S. Extend Frederick Charles Freeman.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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