This thread went down last week, and I still can’t stop thinking about it. @FakeDanUggla on Twitter went off with one of the greatest threads in the history of tweets – and quite possibly the history of thread – sharing what he would do with a milestone home run ball. We see it all the time. A player will hit a milestone home run and then want to keep the ball for themselves as if they’re that greedy doucher Tom Brady or something. So what do you ask for in return? Hopefully, more than just one Bitcoin and an autographed jersey like that one guy got from Brady. No, as FDU points out, you need to use that ball as leverage. Please read this whole thing. It might be the most important piece of writing since the Gettysburg Address.
I’m gonna need the player’s phone number and him to agree to be my texting buddy. Innocent, funny request. No big deal. I start off gentle. “Nice game big guy!” Supportive, friendly, light-hearted. “Tough loss, you’ll get em next time!” Things like that.— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
But then I start to gain his trust. He appreciates the kind words. He starts asking me about MY day. “3 sales before lunch? Nice buddy!” I’ve got him. A big league pal. We check in every day. Discuss the latest news. “Russia is crazy, right?!” All that stuff.— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
I’m his friend now. He trusts me. He starts gossiping about his team, the league, other sports. Suddenly, I’m an insider. I know all the information. I use my new source to gain other sources. Suddenly I have other friends in the league. Bigger fish. I don’t need him anymore.— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
He realizes this. His WAR is nothing compared to my other big league buddies. He gets desperate. He misses my daily texts. Hit him with the “Sorry man I just woke up” after not responding for a week. He’s real upset now. Offers to hire me as his agent. I accept.— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
Suddenly I’m a big deal in the industry. I start my MLB agency modestly. Team friendly deals for my local fan favorites, huge shoe deal on the side to supplement. We’re big on TikTok now. 800,000 follower. We made a new baseball dance. K pop bands are doing it.— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
But then – what’s this? MLB lockout. Again. The players need big changes. They only trust one guy to do it. Me. I have to barter with the owners. The owners hate me. That fuckin’ TikTok agent guy. What an idiot. I walk in. Brand new shoes my player released. Feet on the table.— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
They ask what they need to get a deal done. It’s May, the lockout needs to end. I’ve got one thing on my mind. One thing only. They say no way. They won’t give in. It’s impossible. They can’t do that. I tell them bye. I’m leaving. I’m heading out the door. Manfred stops me.— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
“Fine. Have it your way.” He gives me the original milestone ball back. He knew it’s what I wanted all along. “I had to cut a big check for that ball. This better mean we have a deal.” It doesn’t. I run. Ball in hand. These shoes do make you run faster.— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
I hop in the car. I’m on the interstate. I get to the airport. Shit. The police are waiting. Gotta think fast. Bang a U turn. Head back to Manfred. Apologize. Tell him I panicked. I’m ready to negotiate. We sit down at the table. Eight hours later…— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
I’m the commissioner now. Manfred resigns. I’m the captain now. And I get to keep the ball. All you “I’d get an autographed bat” people are chumps. Dream big.— fdu (@FakeDanUggla) April 13, 2022
That was amazing. I need a cigarette.