Meet Clayton Kershaw’s Childhood Posse

For the second straight year, Clayton Kershaw has won the National League Cy Young Award, and for the second straight year, Clayton Kershaw invited his childhood friends to join him while he accepted the award. And according to this picture, Clayton’s friends are as white as you’d expect friends of a guy named Clayton to be. Seriously, his friends are whiter than the Dodgers’ home uniform. There haven’t been that many white guys in a room since the last Coldplay concert. This looks like a meeting for Harvard’s yachting club. These are the guys who keep New Balance sneakers in business and point out the thematic errors in Oliver Stone’s Wall Street.

Clayton Kershaw recently signed a $215 million contract, the highest of any pitcher in MLB history, and he’s probably still the 4th or 5th richest guy in this room. Even Gordon Gecko thinks this group is too wealthy.

But let’s not rush to judge them based on their appearance. Let’s take time to get to know the guy’s in Clayton’s posse just a little bit better.

 

Clayton Kershaw

Clayton (26) is a pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers. For as good as he is at pitching, he’s that bad at shopping for shirts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Huxley Van Der Woodsen

Huxley (27) is a venture capitalist. He traded his first stock at the age of 12 and made his first million at the age of 18 when he invested in an upcoming music pirating application called LimeWire. An app for which he is still in court settling with music companies over. He frequently summers in the Hamptons and donates thousands of dollars to his alma-mater, Cornell. Huxley, or Hux as he’s known as by the gang, loves money more than Garfield loves lasagna. Oh, and it’s funny that I bring up lasagna, because he owns a majority share of Macaroni Grille. He also owns Andrews McMeel Publishing, the company that publishes Garfield comics. Hux is smiling big in this picture, partly because he is proud of his friend, Clayton, and partly because he just bought stake in three startups that were featured on Forbes’ 100 Hottest Startups of 2014 list.

 

 

Henry Van Der Woodsen

Henry (24) is Hux’s younger brother. He’s rich and stuff too, but he’s mainly in the group because he laughs at everything.

 

 

 

 

Phineas William Goldberg III

Phineas (26) was born into a family of wealth, as his grandfather, Phineas Sr., was the founder of trash bags, and his father, Phineas Jr., invented Bagel Bites, and yes, it’s true what they say. When your father invents pizza on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime.

 

 

 

 

Bernard Asher Ellington

Bernard (25), of the Belle Hampton Ellington’s, is an avid sailor. He’s been sailing since the age of 6 when he decided he wanted to be a sailor and definitely wasn’t forced into the sport by his father, who definitely wasn’t forced into the sport by his father before him. On a side note, Bernard usually gets pretty bitter whenever anyone brings up his father in conversation. It’s weird.

The guys usually call him “BAE” because, 1. those are his initials, and 2. they know that’s what “gangstas” from the “ghetto” say a lot. They know this from watching the MTV Movie Awards. They’re obsessed with rap music. Anything from Will Smith, to Bubba Sparxxx, to Now: That’s What I Call Music 49.

 

Quinn Walton Montgomery

Quinn (28) is a senior auditor at his dad’s accounting firm, yadda yadda yadda, makes millions annually, yadda yadda yadda, normally orders lobster bisque at restaurants, yadda yadda yadda. Point being, he is not really even that close of friends with any of these guys. He played on the guys’ YMCA basketball team in 2nd grade. Truthfully, Quinn is only here because he heard this thing was going to be catered.*

*-by a catering company owned by Hux

 

Jasper Buckingham

Jasper (26) is known as the ring-leader of the gang. Since Clayton went pro straight out of high school, Jasper is the only guy of the group to play college sports. Jasper was the captain of the Dartmouth’s water polo team. He is also one of the many NCAA athletes to “go pro in something other than sports.” That’s right, Jasper went pro in making straight up millions. But to be honest, no one in the group is actually sure how Jasper made his millions. The only answer they can give is, “All I know is he gambles on sports a lot. Most of the time, he bets large amounts of money on Clayton’s success.” Jasper claims to have numerous offshore bank accounts, and he never wants to stay at the same place more than one night. Many of the guys in the gang said he usually lays low each year after the MLB Postseason, saying stuff like, “I’m so screwed,” and “I can’t believe he blew it,” and “If anyone comes looking for me, just tell them that I’ll get them their money.”

 

Jerry Klein

Everyone just met Jerry (41) like fifteen minutes ago. He works for the catering company and somehow snuck into the shot without anyone noticing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clayton’s Grandmother’s Remains

This vase holds the remains of Clayton’s grandma (102), who passed away six years ago. Rest in peace, Gam Gam.

 

 

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

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