Dammit, put some pants on, old man.

It was bad enough we had to worry about Tom Brady during his 20+ years in the NFL. Now he’s been retired no more than 20 days and I already wish he’d get back into football. If for no other reason than to get him to stop tweeting. When the old man moved south to Tampa, we immediately saw an influx of his (read: his team’s) social media usage. And for Brady haters, it only made that butt-chinned dufus only more insufferable.

Now gramps might be more addicted to the dopamine rushes of social media engagement than he was football and/or kissing his son. And the fact that he retired in the midst of promotion for his new movie 80 For Brady has only heightened the suffocating online persona. Dude, couldn’t you just retire to a cabin somewhere? When Michael Jordan hung it up – also for the second time – he pretty much went into hiding. To the point where if the (true) GOAT died, it would probably take us a few months to even realize. But Brady? If he goes more than a day without posting something stupid to his social media, we might as well call an ambulance to his house ASAP. The dude’s posing in underwear to try and break the internet, when all he’s doing is making me break any devices that have the internet. Just because your career started with you in underwear doesn’t mean we need to end it that way.

No one asked for an update, gramps.

If you wanna throw your junk on the Internet, get an Only Fans. So that way only fans will see it. Somebody please call Eli Manning and stop this man before we start receiving tweets like this in a couple years:

The post If Tom Brady’s Just Gonna Prance Around In His Undies On The Internet All Day, We’d Rather He Get Back Into Football appeared first on Korked Bats.

Well, Tom Brady had a good run. He was the GOAT there for a while. But now? Now it’s like hashtag not my goat, ya know? I mean, how can you call him the greatest of all time when he literally leads the NFL in most playoff losses all-time. That’s a pretty damning stat. It’s a shame too. Because before that, he was the greatest. But now? I don’t see how we can view him in the same light.

Oh, he’s got 7 Super Bowl rings? Blah, blah blah. 5 Super Bowl MVPs? Blah, blah, blah. He’s 45-years-old? Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, he also has the most losses in do-or-die games than anyone. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s not a stat I’d want any part of. That’s 12 more playoff losses than Case Keenum, Marcus Mariota, and Blake Bortles. To be frank, that’s embarrassing. Personally, I used to think so highly of Tom Brady, what with all his NFL MVP awards (3) and his Offensive Player of the Year awards (2). But now? How can anyone look at him the same? Sure, maybe until last night he had as many playoff wins as the entire Dallas Cowboys franchise (a franchise with 5 Super Bowl wins), but he now has more playoff losses than Aaron Rodgers, and all Aaron Rodgers does is lose in the playoffs. Honestly, if I’m Tom Brady, I just retire right now. Walk away from the game and never come back. Because if he somehow adds to this god-awful and pathetic stat, that would only look worse for him. Worse than he looked after that plastic surgery getaway he took during training camp (allegedly).

Now you may still be willing to deem the guy with the most losses in NFL postseason history as the “GOAT,” which is fine. I mean, that’d be like calling Karl Malone the GOAT of basketball for the number of times he lost in the playoffs. But I get it. It usually takes a lot for stubborn sports fans to change their viewpoints and takes. Just ask Skip Bayless. And honestly, I didn’t want to go here. I didn’t want to play this card, but you’ve left me no choice. More damning evidence on Tom Brady’s legacy:

Wow. Just wow.

40 career interceptions in the playoffs alone? That’s – how do we say – pretty bad. The worst, even. Ten more interceptions than Brett Favre, and that man was more careless with footballs than Mississippi welfare funds.

Look, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to kick a man while he’s down. But want me to keep going?

Woof. That’s 20 more sacks than Roger Staubach, a guy who played quarterback in an era where it was still legal to tackle quarterbacks. Embarrassing. Hell, just the fact that he’s been sacked more times than Joe Burrow was in last year’s playoffs is case in point enough. It’s just a shame that we were able to witness both the rise and fall of Tom Brady. I guess the old saying’s true: either you die the GOAT or you play long enough to suck.

So anyway? Who should be the next GOAT? Too soon to claim Justin FIelds or Brock Purdy? If so, then it’s obviously Andy Dalton.

The post Tom Brady Now Has The Most Playoff Losses In NFL History – Can He Still Be The GOAT? People Are Asking. appeared first on Korked Bats.

This tweet sent shockwaves throughout the entire league. Fast forward a few days, the report turned out to be true.

Tom Brady officially* retired. (for now… I mean, we all remember Brett)

Almost immediately, there was an outcry of love, support, and respect for Tom Brady throughout the league, praising him for a tremendous career, and rightfully so. You don’t need me to tell you that he’s won 7 Super Bowls and is 44-years-old.

One person that didn’t say anything, which is sort of his M.O. to begin with, was Bill Belichick. Bill has been relatively silent on the Tom Brady news and really has kept his name out of the news until….. the day Tom Brady officially retired.

Obviously, I am not making light of the severity of the situation, I respect Brian Flores for taking a stand and shining a light on a very serious issue in the NFL. I’m simply pointing out that I don’t find it to be no coincidence text messages by Bill Belichick surface the day Tom announced his retirement. Bill couldn’t handle the praise and love that Tom was receiving. To say he’s jealous would be an understatement.

First of all, the thought of Bill Belichick just texting, in general, has me giggling. He definitely texts with one finger and takes him a significant amount of time to send just the simplest text message. I mean, let’s be real, I can’t be the only one surprised that he has iPhone. Bill is definitely the type of person who couldn’t believe how expensive an iPhone was and will use his iPhone 4 until the iPhone 24 comes out.

Second of all, look at the team that Bill is throwing under the bus. Right? It’s the Giants. The only team to beat Bill and the Patriots twice in the Super Bowl. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, I’m simply stating the facts.

Bill straight up stole Tom Brady’s thunder by an “oops wrong chat” and threw multiple organizations under the bus in the process. You think I believe Bill Belichick “oops wrong chat”‘ted someone? Bill knew exactly what he was doing. He’s out here playing Belichess, not Belicheckers.

The post CONSPIRACY: Bill Belichick’s Texts Stole The Spotlight From Brady While Simultaneously Hurting The Giants appeared first on Korked Bats.

Last year it was all about collars. This year is all about dildos, I guess?

This might be a dumber decision than actually throwing a dildo on the field.

The post Well, We’re Doing It Again, I Guess appeared first on Korked Bats.

If you’re the NFL, why would you even suit up this year? The season’s over. Can’t believe we’re going to see Cam Newton finally hoist the Lombardi Trophy this year. No thanks to anything he does. All thanks to the jacked Emporer Palpatine he has as a coach.

Who doesn’t love a coach that gets down and dirty with their team? I’m talking about rolling up your sleeves (if you have any), flipping your hat backwards, slapping a couple 25 pound plates and yelling “LIGHT WEIGHT!!!” as you pump out squats like it’s your day job. I’m talking about Bill f’ing Belichick.

I’ve gotta be be honest, which is hard to say as a Steelers fan, I love Billy B. Bill is a straight shooter. He’s going to tell you EXACTLY how it is and if he can’t tell you, then dammit he’s going to SHOW you. The man is 69 (very nice) years old and going to show you the proper form by pumping out a solid (does quick math in head) 95 pounds on the squat rack.

You think Willy B. skips leg day? Think again.

Good luck rest of the NFL.

With Bill, the only easy day was yesterday (because that’s when he had Tom Brady on his team).

If you want to hear Austin and myself talk more about Bill Belichick AND a defense of Tim Tebow, the return of the No Fun League (taunting penalties), preseason fights, and Max Scherzer not liking butt stuff, tune in to this week’s episode of the Junk Drawer. Join us and comment along during the show every Monday @ 5pm EST on the Korked Bats’ YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook.

WATCH/LISTEN BELOW:

The post BREAKING: Bill Belichick Just Ended The NFL Season Before It Even Began With A Single Photo appeared first on Korked Bats.

Watch your mouth, Tom Brady. Sheesh.

I’ve spent a lot of time looking into this. Enough time to where, if my wife knew how much time I spent digging, she’d be upset why I didn’t utilize that time for more important things… like still unpacking the boxes in my office. But I can’t help it. I’m locked into this story. I want to know the team Brady was referring to. So with the teaser, paired with this new clip, I’ve been able to conduct a little more narrowing down. Let’s look at the teams in question and see which one’s we think they are.

8. New Orleans Saints

Motherf*cker In Question: Drew Brees

This is the least likely team on the board that Tom was probably referring to. Everyone outside of Atlanta has respect for Drew Brees. Tom included. I don’t think the Saints were ever a serious contender and then even less so once the big birthmark decided to come back. So let’s go ahead and pretend this is the playoffs and eliminate the Saints early.

7. L.A. Chargers

Motherf*cker In Question: nobody

After Phil bolted for the Colts (do you get it?), the Chargers were without a set QB1. Thus why they drafted Justin Herbert. So Brady technically couldn’t have been referring to the Chargers. But probably best for all parties involved. Imagine if the Chargers team doctor stabbed Brady in the lung instead of Tyrod Taylor. Would’ve been the second time we would’ve had to put up with Brady and deflategate.

6. L.A. Rams

Motherf*cker In Question: Jared Goff

This one is possible, sure. Jared Goff has all the qualities and characteristics of a motherf*cker. Not sure how Brady would’ve felt playing for a preteen head coach, so that could play into the “I was never going to go there anyway” line. And it’s very believable to see Brady wanting to do the Rams in free agency just like he did in Super Bowl 36, by stringing them along only to kill them in the final minutes. But he made it seem like the team that passed on him actively chose their current starter over him. And let’s be honest, no one on earth is choosing Jared Goff over Tom Brady. Not even Jared Goff’s mom.

5. Las Vegas Raiders

Motherf*cker In Question: Derek Carr (but also maybe Marcus Mariota)

The Raiders are a possibility, sure, as both Derek Carr and his backup, Marcus Mariota, could make a 5-time Super Bowl MVP very frustrated if a team chose them over him. I could imagine this would make someone refer to them as a motherf*cker too. But it’s important to remember that when it comes to the Raiders, Brady could’ve just been stringing them along because the ball leaving the quarterback’s hands is considered a forward pass even if the quarterback intends not to pass the ball, but instead continues the forward motion to tuck the ball back into his body.

4. Indianapolis Colts

Motherf*cker In Question: Philip Rivers? Probably not, so Jacoby Brissett?

A lot of people like to assume Brady was talking about his former protege, when referring to the motherf*cker, which is why many believe it was the San Francisco 49ers. And that might be true. But what if he was referring to his OTHER protege? Jacoby Brissett anyone? Remember the Colts announced they signed Philip Rivers on the day before or the day after Brady signed with Tampa. So it’s possible, sure. But let’s be real. The Colts were never really in this thing seriously. Brady’s not getting Manning’s sloppy seconds.

3. Chicago Bears

Motherf*cker In Question: Mitchell Trubisky

This team definitely fits the mold of “I was never going to go there anyway.” Because Brady has said before he didn’t want to play in another cold-weather city like New England, and Mitchell Trubisky is often referred to as a “motherf*cker.” So this very well could be the team, but let’s be real. The Bears are to quarterbacks what the L.A. Angles are for superstars. Just complete and utter black holes of talent suckers. Pujols, Josh Hamilton, both Upton brothers, Mike Trout, and now (hopefully not) Shohei Ohtani. And you don’t even want me listing old Bears quarterbacks.

2. San Francisco 49ers

Motherf*cker In Question: Jimmy Garoppolo

This is the front runner for the bunch. Everyone thinks Brady’s talking about Jimmy G. as the M-F’r. I’ll admit, it makes a lot of sense. Brady is from Norther California. He grew up a Niners fan. I’m sure he would’ve loved to finish his career in red and gold.

But this is also too obvious. Brady, in my opinion, is more calculated than that. Now sure, if you slip a few kombuchas in him, he’ll probably loosen up a bit and maybe start to say things he shouldn’t, but I don’t think that’s the case.

1. Tennessee Titans

Motherf*cker In Question: Ryan Tannehill

You can see my reasons as to why I think the Titans are the team he’s referring to.

If you remember, when heading into 2020 free agency, the Titans had to lock up either Ryan Tannehill or Derrick Henry and place the other on the franchise tag, unless they were going to sign another quarterback, like a Tom Brady, in free agency. But almost a full week before Brady signed with the Bucs, the Titans resigned Tannehill to a 4-year, $118 million deal. I have been told on good authority that the Bucs brass really thought Brady was going to Tennessee before the Titans re-signed Tannehill. And as I’ve stated above, Brady really wanted to play in a warm-weather city. Nashville is NOT a warm-weather city, which makes Tennessee fit the “I was never going to go there anyway” line. And there were those rumors that Brady and Gisele were seen at MBA looking at schools. Whether it was true or not, it fits the bill of this theory. Plus, after last year’s COVID practices, we all know how bad MBA kids are keeping their mouths shut.

Look, we all know Brady was extremely pissed after getting bounced from the playoffs, especially by a guy who 1. he’s beaten within the division for the 6 years prior and 2. only put up 72 yards passing in that game. So when a team signs him a week before he decides to go to Tampa, he’s probably even more livid. So to me, the Tennessee Titans make the most sense. Now, obviously, I’m also the biggest Titans homer, so maybe I’m coming at this thing from too close to the two-toned blue, but I’ve also yet to hear a better explanation with the dots better aligning for another team.

Will we ever know for sure? Probably. Brady will turn this into a quick buck after he retires either by doing some sort of lame documentary again or by writing a tell-all book. But for right now, we won’t. So let’s continue to speculate. And if you find out any more tidbits, DM me on Twitter. I really want to stay hard on this case.

The post Tom Brady Said “I’m Going To F*** You Up” To The Team In Free Agency That Passed On Him, So Which Team Was It? appeared first on Korked Bats.

In the two weeks between the conference championships and the Super Bowls, we always get hit with a handful of takes that tend to set off the #TAKESIREN. Usually these come from Skip Bayless and the like. Well, I figured I’d jump the gun and get out ahead of everyone with this take. Because I woke up feeling dangerous.

On February 7th, Tom Brady will make his 10th Super Bowl appearance. That’s five more appearances than the next best guy (John Elway, 5). I’m sure you’ve heard that stat by now. Tom Brady is also 43-years-old. Not enough people talk about that one either.

Tom Brady also just left the best head coach in NFL history to join what was already the best offense in the NFL. Why is it we crap on LeBron for “chasing rings,” but we don’t say anything about Tom Brady doing the same. تعليم البوكر للمبتدئين

Listen to the full take above, but Tom Brady is not the most physically gifted quarterback in the sport. Sure, he’s the most accomplished. There’s no discrediting that fact. استراتيجية الروليت But is he the best? C’mon, no. The only major passing category he leads in are touchdown passes. كازينو And he’s only barely beating Drew Brees, who’s played in one less season. Tom Brady is 9th all-time in passing yards per game… just behind Jared Goff. What about completion percentage? He’s tied for 19th all-time with Mitchell Trubisky. MITCH TRUBISKY! And in all-time career passer rating, he’s tied for 7th just behind Kirk Cousins. So again, tell me why he’s the GREATEST of all-time? Because of Super Bowl rings? Robert Horry has 7 championship rings. Does that make him greater than Jordan?

Look, don’t get me wrong. The longevity of what Brady has done is incredible. We might never see this again. And I’m not saying he’s David Carr. (No offense, David Carr.) I’m just saying, let’s tap the brakes about him being the best quarterback just because he’s played on incredible teams that have gotten him to the most Super Bowls. There are far better physically gifted quarterbacks who weren’t as lucky as to be paired with Bill Belichick and/or play on the best offense in the sport.

Is this a crazy take? Yes. Without question. Is this an uphill battle? Even more so. Do I care if anyone agrees with me? Not a lick. All I’m trying to say here is don’t just go with the pack, open your eyes sheeple, and decide for yourself.

And even then, if you still think Brady’s the GOAT, that’s fine. We’re allowed to think differently. That’s what makes sports great, amirite?!

Shoutout to 3HL on 104.5 The Zone for the weekly segment.

The post You Want An Insane Super Bowl Week Take? Here You Go: Tom Brady Is NOT The GOAT appeared first on Korked Bats.

Just when you think they’re dead and the camera slowly zooms in on their lifeless body, that’s when you see a twitch. (That twitch was the Jets game.) Nothing to worry about initially. In fact, you probably didn’t even notice it. But then they wake up and begin to kill again. (And kill they did on Sunday night against the Ravens.) That’s where we’re at right now.

Just when you thought they couldn’t possibly make another Friday The 13th movie, is right when they hit you with another Friday The 13th movie. And just when you think the Patriots are dead, is right when the Patriots come back to life. Hold up, didn’t Jason die in a massive explosion at the end of the last movie? And didn’t the Patriots lose to the Titans, lose Tom Brady, and lose 8 players to opt-outs before the season? Yup and yup. But does it matter? Nope and nope.

They’re 4-5 and not just in the hunt. They’re on the hunt. And everybody needs to take notice. Before you get stabbed in the back by a machete or a deflated football.

I go into further details in the video above, but you catch my drift. The minute we start dancing on the grave of the Patriots is the moment they come back to life. Plus, it doesn’t help that their head coach looks like a serial killer.

And look, I know this isn’t a good look to fellow Patriot haters such as myself. Especially considering the last time I blogged about the Patriots, I actually defended them. I know, it’s gross. But I feel like the less we respect their ability to come back from the dead, the more likely they are to come back from the dead.

Check out our Korked Bats segment on 104.5 The Zone every Monday at 3:45p CT.

The post The New England Patriots Are Jason Voorhees appeared first on Korked Bats.

But speaking of Patriots not looking their best, I feel like we need to take a minute to talk about Cam Newton’s fez.

Now look, I know the train for making a big deal out of Cam Newton’s postgame outfit has left the station a few years ago. It’s kinda lame to still be up in arms about what he chooses to wear during postgame press conferences. We’ve all come to terms that he’s going to wear something ridiculous and we’ve subconsciously agreed to just move on. And trust me, I respect that. I’m glad us have a society have collectively stopped making a big deal out of his outfits.

But this was all before he chose to wear a fez.

A FEZ!

What’s a fez? Glad you hypothetically asked.

The Fez, also called a Tarboosh, is a felt headdress in the shape of a short cylindrical peakless hat, usually red, and sometimes with a tassel attached to the top. The name “Fez” refers to the Moroccan city of Fez, where the dye to colour the hat was extracted from crimson berries.

via Google

How ’bout that? Didn’t think you’d learn something by clicking on this Korked Bats blog, did you?

Now look, should I be surprised to see Cam Newton in a fez? No. He could literally wear human skin over his head like Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I shouldn’t be surprised. But this is a FEZ!

Like why did he choose to wear this thing? Was this week’s game played in New England or New Delhi?! Did Cam have to capture Indiana Jones immediately after the game?

He’s lucky the Patriots actually won this week, because imagine the backlash if he had walked to the podium in that Aladdin hat after a loss.

Now look, I’m not looking to go all Jeff Garcia and criticize him for his fashion choices. For a couple reasons:

1. I’ve been wearing the same gray t-shirt for the last 3 days straight.
2. I wore a puka shell necklace up until about 2006.
   • and for those wondering, yes, that’s wayyyy too late in the game to wear a puka shell necklace
3. Despite my own poor fashion choices, I know full-well that the first rule of fashion is to OWN IT.

But the second rule of fashion should be: don’t try to seriously wear a fez in public.

I honestly feel like this guy is just messing with us now. He probably has brainstorming sessions with his stylist to see how ridiculous he can get. It’s like he’s living out a children’s book that teaches kids about different types of hats. He’s already worn:

• a top hat

• a bucket hat

• a leprechaun hat

• like 15 different types of wide brim hats

• a scarf wrapped around his head like Thelma & Louise

• Pharrell’s really big Arby’s looking hat

• the hat from the emcee of the Nathon’s hot dog eating contest…

The only thing he’s missing is a fireman’s helmet, one of those oversized foam cowboy hats, and one of those hats from the movie Fargo.

Last thing… how has the angry cultural appropriation crowd not grabbed their pitch forks and marched up the hill to Cam Newton’s house for wearing this fez? Personally, I’m not a fan of the term cultural appropriation. Probably because I’m a white guy and white people have very little cool things about their culture, but I don’t understand why people wouldn’t want the cool things from their culture spread to other cultures. Last I checked, imitation was the sincerest form of flattery, and at it’s root, that’s all cultural appropriation is. Unless you’re mocking or ridiculing, then I get it. Anyway, I’m starting to talk myself in circles here. I kinda hope that take doesn’t get me canceled. I’m just wondering how Cam hasn’t been “canceled” yet. Not that I’m trying to get him canceled. I’m just wondering: are fez’s fair game? Can anyone wear them now?! I’m not going to go out and start rocking a fez to the grocery store or anything, but I feel like that should be public information, if so.

The post Can We Talk About Cam Newton’s Fez? appeared first on Korked Bats.

Despite the outcome, a Patriots game of course couldn’t go without controversy. Shockingly enough, it’s not the Patriots at the heart of the controversy. Bills HC Sean McDermott was caught by CBS cameras at halftime talking on his cell phone.

HIGHLY ILLEGAL ACT BY MCDERMOTT!

Cell phones are STRICTLY prohibited during games, like filming the other team’s sidelines. This type of controversy begs the question: JUST WHO WAS MCDERMOTT TALKING TO AT HALFTIME?

Maybe McDermott was making a call to the irrigation room?

I feel like there could be a pretty good chance that McDermott was contacting the Buffalo Turf Company to reserve his piece of New Era Field turf.

He could have been contacting former disgruntled Patriots employee, Tom Brady. What better way to stop the Patriots than by learning their trade secrets from someone that knows them best?

Even better, why not contact someone who has stopped the Patriots before? The man, the myth, the legend… ELI MANNING. No one, and I mean no one (aside from Nick Foles), knows how to stop the Patriots better than this goof:

Odds are, though, it was just one of these calls: “Hi there, this is Shasta calling in regards to your Volkswagen warranty. The warranty is up for renewal. I’d like to congratulate you on your $1,000 instant rebate and free maintenance and oil change package for being a loyal customer. Call me back at 888-206-9420 to redeem now. Once again that number was 888-206-9420. Thank you so much. Have a great day.“

Maybe those are a stretch. Because let’s be real, McDermott was calling his friends to help support the Korked Kampaign brought to you by Korked Bats. We’re making a push for 1,000 followers on Instagram (#loftygoals #influencer) and McDermott must have caught wind of it. Is it douchey to ask for followers? Of course. But we’re close, and we want to get over the hump.

So be like Sean McDermott and follow @korkedbats and help spread the good word of Korked Bats.

View this post on Instagram

Is it super lame to ask for followers? Of course. But we need to crack 1k.

A post shared by Korked Bats (@korkedbats) on Oct 28, 2020 at 6:35pm PDT

View this post on Instagram

Can we do it? YES WE CAN.

A post shared by Korked Bats (@korkedbats) on Oct 30, 2020 at 9:15am PDT

View this post on Instagram

We’re close, but there’s still work to be done. Recruit a friend to follow Korked Bats. Let’s reach 1k by midnight.

A post shared by Korked Bats (@korkedbats) on Nov 3, 2020 at 9:41am PST

Also, if this blog felt like a trick, like you stumbled into one giant ad for our Instagram feed, I’m sorry. And one last thing, follow @korkedbats.

The post Sean McDermott Was Caught Talking On A Cell Phone At Halftime – Who Was He Talking To? appeared first on Korked Bats.