Wednesday, July 17, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Profiling Thy Enemy, 6/8: John Terry

Hello from Korked Bats’ World Cup Intern*! For those of you not counting down the days–AKA those of you with actual internships–we are exactly four days away from the race-driven World Cup opener for the United States and their enemies across the pond.

*Self-created nickname. Self-created position.

To get you ready for the match, I’m going to profile a different player on England’s roster each day leading up to the not-friendly on June 12 in Rustenburg. I hope that they will be informational, but–most of all–they’ll likely just be full of mean-spirited jokes because I’m racist toward the English.

Now, let’s share a cuppa. (That’s British for “This guy will have sex with your girlfriend.”)

John Terry


Bio blast: Where to start? Certainly not with this, uh cardigan?, pictured above. That’s too easy. Easy? Ah yes, easy.

You probably heard mention of Terry earlier this year when it was uncovered that he was defending more than Chelsea’s goal. That was when our hero was discovered having made payments in an attempt to cover up an extra-marital affair with the ex-girlfriend of soon-to-be-ex-national-team teammate Wayne Bridge, who obviously has not been acquainted with the rules of bros before hoes, as he just, like, totally flipped out and quit the team, bro.

Anyway, as you know, Terry must not have paid enough as the news reached our fair ears here in the US of A, where we would never dream of such unspeakable acts, right? Eh. Unfortunately for Wynalda, he couldn’t afford the likes of such cardigans and cover ups.

On the pitch (that means field): As an eight-year member of the senior British national team and a 13-year member of Chelsea’s central defense, Terry is one of the most decorated English defenders ever. He’s become doubly important to England in this World Cup following the news that Rio Ferdinand, AKA England’s New Captain After Terry Had Sex With Bridge’s Ex, has been lost for the entire tournament. At 29, Terry is still one of the world’s best defenders and has the speed and strength to make life tough on the Yankees’ central attack. It does remain to be seen, though, whether that whole having sex with his teammates girl thing will have any effect on his performance.

Wikipedia fact: Terry is actually, wouldn’t you know it, the biggest name to be sponsored by the brand Umbro. I can’t confirm nor deny whether Terry has tried to pay to cover that up.

Read about yesterday’s British soccer player, Wayne Rooney, here.

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