Saturday, June 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Profiling Thy Enemy, 6/7: Wayne Rooney

Hello from Korked Bats’ Football Fantastico*! For those of you not counting down the days–AKA those of you that hung out with other humans this weekend–we are exactly five days away from the race-driven World Cup opener for the United States and their enemies across the pond.

*Self-created nickname. Self-created position.

To get you ready for the match, I’m going to profile a different player on England’s roster each day leading up to the not-friendly on June 12 in Rustenburg. العاب بوكر I hope that they will be informational, but–most of all–they’ll likely just be full of mean-spirited jokes because I’m racist toward the English.

Now, lend me your ears. (That’s British for “Time to talk about a nut-stomper.”)

Wayne Rooney


Bio Blast: I know what you’re asking yourself right now: “How are you possibly going to make fun of the second-best player in the world?” Easy. Don’t think of it as making fun of the second-best player in the world, think of it as making fun of the best player in the world to have paid for sex! That’s a bit easier, right?

Anyway, Rooney isn’t in any sort of cult, despite what his appearance in the above picture may suggest. العاب الربح من الانترنت He does, however, have a tattoo that says “Just enough education to perform.” Now, don’t you go jugdin’. Further research will tell you, after all, that the tattoo is simply an homage to Rooney’s favorite band, the Sterophonics. The words are simply song lyrics and don’t carry any other connotations. So now don’t you go thinking that said tattoo, despite the fact that Rooney hasn’t had any formal education since he was 16, and that he wanted to give the effect that–if you were to rip open his skin–you would see those words where blood is supposed to be, is about anything other than his favorite band. Don’t you go thinking he’s proud to be uneducated. Because the English are smarter than you, dammit.

On the pitch (that means field): If you know the secret to stopping Rooney, I’d like to be the first to congratulate you on your new job. Which premier league team would you like to work for?

If there is a hole in Rooney’s game, it’s no bigger than the hole in that ruddy tattoo. He’s deathly accurate with his strike outside of the box, he can take you off the dribble, he’s got great vision to set up his teammates and he’s great in the air despite his 5-foot-10 frame. Most importantly, he’s developed an incredible ability to find seams–he might be the best in the world in making runs toward goal. الرهانات الرياضية

The book on Rooney has always been to try to get in his head, as he’s tended to be easily riled. Any Manchester United/England fan, however, will readily tell you that he’s matured a lot. How dare you suggest that Rooney has a temper? What next? Are you going to suggest that he’s a bit of a dummy? What, like he’s got it tattooed right there on his body that he’s some sort of dummy?

So yeah, I think we should try to rile him. Lest we forget what happened in Rooney’s last World Cup match.

Wikipedia fact: Rooney chose his current home in Cheshire because there was a pub near it called “Admiral Rodney,” which Wayne misread to say “Admiral Rooney.”

Hey! That tattoo is about a band, OK?! A band! Okaaaaaay?!

Read about yesterday’s British soccer player, Peter Crouch, here.

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