Saturday, June 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Profiling Thy Enemy, 6/10: Frank Lampard

Hello from Korked Bats’ Super Soccer (get it, like Super Soaker? It’s a pun. Eh, I’m reaching at this point.)*! For those of you not counting down the days–AKA those of you that have been blatantly ignoring me for the last week–we are exactly one day from the race-driven World Cup opener for the United States and their enemies across the pond. سباق خيول

*Self-created nickname. Self-created position.

To get you ready for the match, I’m finishing up the profiles of a different player on England’s roster each day leading up to the not-friendly tomorrow in Rustenburg. I hope that they’ve been informational, but–most of all–I just hope they were full of mean-spirited jokes because I’m racist toward the English.

Now, fancy some football? (That’s British for “We don’t even like soccer in this country.” Or something like that.)

Frank Lampard

Bio blast: Let’s time travel! I want you to put on your boots and travel coat and go back to September of 2001 with me. September 12, to be exact. Chelsea’s game had been cancelled out of respect for the horrific events that had transpired the previous day in the United States.

Naturally, a few Chelsea players, Lampard among them, took this day off to go get absolutely hammered drunk instead of, you know, maybe taking some time to reflect on what just happened across the pond, or perhaps spending some time with their families. Naw, let’s get neckered!

Lampard and friends made their, drunken, vomiting, naked way over to Heathrow Hotel, where they proceeded to (emotionally) crap on the Americans stranded there as all flight traffic in and out of the United States was closed off. Seems like a bit of an odd way to say “Sorry about your loss.” Now, I’m sure Mr. طريقة لعبة القمار Lampard has grown up a lot since then, but, good God, it takes a special kind of human being to do that. موقع رهان كرة القدم

On the pitch (that means field): Simply put, Lampy is one of the most decorated English midfielders of his generation. A nine-year Chelsea man, Lampard plays box-to-box, though he can move up to more of an attacking role. He’s most effective though, when he can sit behind the offense and distribute the ball, as well as take advantage of the rocket blast that is his right foot.

Take that back. I should say he’s most effective getting naked and puking on players on the pitch that appear to be seriously injured.

Wikipedia fact: Lampard released an autobiography in 2006 called “Totally Frank.” I would make a joke about that, but, sadly, it’ not even the worst Frank-pun on this site.

Read Wednesday’s post, about England’s coach Fabio Capello, here.

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