Packers Plan To Clone Rodgers To Ensure Never Letting Tolzien Play Again

GREEN BAY, WI- Green Bay Packers President and CEO Mark Murphy announced earlier today that the franchise has decided to invest in its long term future by hiring the biotech firm GROtech to establish a supply of Aaron Rodgers clones.”After Aaron went down we decided we couldn’t have a travesty like Scott Tolzien starting an NFL game for our franchise happen again, so we decided science was the answer,” Murphy said in a presser. “Actually we watched Jurassic Park, had a few beers, ate a wheel of cheese, and then science became the answer.”Murphy continued to ramble on about the movie for twenty minutes, explaining how Scott Tolzien starting at quarterback for the Packers is a worse disaster than the power going out at Jurassic Park.The Packers, who have had only 5 different starting quarterbacks in the last 20 years, felt that this was the best time to make this expensive move for their future.

“It’s a trip, ya know? The fact that I’m going to be the starter for decades to come is awesome,” Aaron Rodgers told reporters. “Knowing my great great grand kids will get to see me play is both weird and pretty cool.”

The cost of “growing” a dozen or so Aaron Rodgers clones will cost the Packers around $750 million, or a week of meals for BJ Raji, and that includes financing surrogates. “Financing this project was actually the easy part,” Murphy admitted. “We get letters, emails, photos, sketches, paintings, bras, poems, and fan fiction from our female fans all the time expressing their desire to marry Aaron.”

Packers head coach Mike McCarthy made it clear that even after you grow an Aaron Rodgers clone, they still need to be coached. “We are doing our part by compiling the most in-depth footage of everything Aaron does on and off the field so we can make sure we have the complete product. That includes all of his game tapes throughout his life, 3-D graphics of his throwing motions, and all of those stupid Discount Double Check commercials.”

The Big Cheese Experiment as it’s being called in Green Bay is already being investigated for league violations according to CEO Mike Murphy. “Commissioner Goodell has already informed us he plans on creating rules to stop our experiment. He said it might create an unfair advantage for us. I told him all teams should be allowed to. I mean, if the Cowboys ever wanted to make a bunch of future Romo’s, I doubt anyone in the league would have a problem with that.”

“I just want our fans to know this isn’t a knee-jerk reaction,” said Packers general manager Ted Thompson. “There have been times in the past when we pondered having [Brett] Favre as our all-time quarterback through this DNA process, but he kinda made that impossible due to the fact that Brett’s DNA is already a genetic mutation. The guy is seriously 125-years-old. Plus, there isn’t a family phone plan that could cover the amount of data he and his clones would use to send picture messages each month. What kind of pictures is he texting anyway?”

The Big Cheese Experiment will begin following this season in hopes that the new Aaron Rodgers will be ready to go by training camp 2019, and that he shaves that mustache.

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