Tuesday, July 23, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Great! The Only Kelce We Can Tolerate Is Retiring From Football

We were hit with some hard news today as the only tolerable Kelce is retiring from the one thing that made him notorious, football.

Jason Kelce has apparently retired, as reported by Adam Schefter. Side note: it’s pretty messed up how Schefty will report on someone’s retirement as opposed to letting them announce it on their own terms. Feels like Tom Brady knows what I’m talking about. Hey Schefty, maybe leave some scoops for the people doing the scooping.

Now, it’s no state secret that we are no fans of Donna Kelce and while we have many Chiefs fans with Korked Bats, Travis is basically just a personified Eastbay magazine shoved down our throats because of the A-lister he’s daring. Travis looks like he knows the name of multiple Asher Roth songs. He’s the exact image we get in our head when we think of the term Sneakerhead. He’s the AI generation from the words Chevy Camero, rap music, and HBO’s Entourage.

But when it comes to Jason, there was no ill-will there. Other than the fact he played for the Eagles, he was actually somewhat likeable. Which is an incredibly hard feat to pull off while playing for the Eagles. Not since Tony Danza was garbage picking and field goal kicking has there been a likable Eagle.

And now he’s walking away from the game for good. Why, Jason? Why? Couldn’t you let baby bro walk away first? You’re really going to leave us here with your walking billboard of a mom, Donna, and your brother, who is just the word “Bruh” personified? That’s mean, dude. Hardly something a Murmur would do.

Anyway, Jason, for a guy who has had his tush pushed for as long as you have, you deserve a happy retirement. I never watched Kelce on Amazon, but I can imagine this retirement is well overdue as many of your joints probably no longer work properly, but we still wish you the best. Please tell your brother to stop looking like he reeks of Abercrombie FIERCE cologne and tell your mom to stop living as a post-race NASCAR driver rattling off her list of sponsors.

Oh, and keep doing beers.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.