Actor Kevin Bacon Hit With Major NCAA Sanctions

December 4, 2013December 4, 2013 Joe

HOLLYWOOD- Celebrated actor and center of the universe Kevin Bacon has been found guilty of several major NCAA infractions after NCAA President Mark Emmert watched the movie The Air Up There on Netflix last Friday.

“It was an insult to the NCAA the way Mr. Bacon’s character ‘Jimmy Dolan’ was parading around, thumbing his nose at the rules,” Emmert said from the makeshift throne in his cubicle, wearing a paper Burger King crown. “There was no way I was going to let him get away with his blatant disregard for the beloved sport of college basketball.”

The film, which was released by Hollywood Pictures in 1994, depicts Bacon as a down-on-his-luck assistant basketball coach who travels to Africa with hopes of landing a diamond-in-the-rough recruit named Saleh. The problem for Emmert though was how Saleh was recruited.

“Mr Bacon made the village engage in an unsanctioned game, which put Saleh’s amateur status in question. The simple fact that he, or Jimmy Dolan, participated and coached him was just the icing on the proverbial cake,” stated Emmert, while coincidentally eating cupcakes that read ‘King Marky.’

“He knows it’s not real, right?” Kevin Bacon asked during a signing of his new book, ‘Six Degrees Of Me.’ “I appreciate him being one of the few dozen folks to see that movie, but he doesn’t need to send me letters telling me I have to vacate the win in the film. I now have to change my address.”

Dan Gavitt, VP of NCAA Men’s Basketball, said, “I left [Emmert] alone for five minutes, and this happened. I try to keep him away from fictional sports films and TV shows because he doesn’t know the difference.” Gavitt then became extremely emotional, wiping away tears from his eyes. After a brief moment, he continued “It’s heartbreaking to think that a few years ago, Mark [Emmert] gave the ESU Timberwolves the death penalty after watching The Program, preventing a sequel. We all loved that movie. All except Mark.” Gavitt also said actor James Caan isn’t allowed to attend an NCAA-sanctioned sporting event until Mark Emmert tweezes his eyebrows, which, according to experts, could be years.

Anonymous sources also confirmed that Emmert was tipped off that Air Bud expressed desire to go to college. Upon hearing this, Emmert had the dog put to sleep. The sources told us Emmert claimed Air Bud was being bribed to go to a certain school by a clown with a newspaper. No one ever told Emmert that Air Bud was just a kids’ movie.

President Emmert, who has been steadfast in his stance on the matter, has been repeating that ‘rules are rules, regardless of reality.’ “I can see through the wool Mr. Bacon has tried to place over my eyes, and it has only intensified my desire to bring him down!” he claimed publicly.

emmert Emmert decided that the only true resolution for these infractions were to change the ending of the film where everyone learns a lesson to not cheat the NCAA. “After several returned letters to Hollywood Pictures, I was informed that the company dissolved in 2007, so I’m gonna remake the ending myself with my friends, this sweet camcorder I got for my birthday, and hopefully Mr. Bacon isn’t too mad to help us out, that would be awesome!”