Who Is The ‘Draymond Green’ of Every Boy Band?
Coming off the rush of that Barb-“finasco” on The Bachelor finale last night, I am curled up in a ball in the corner of the room scratching my skin and looking for my next rush of drama, and thankfully it came in the form of a Charles Barkley-Draymond Green public feud.
Now sure, this feud started a few weeks back with Charles Barkley making some side comments about Golden State Warriors power forward Draymond Green.
So naturally, Draymond took the high road and just ignored what Chuck said, and refused to make a mountain of a molehill.
Oh wait, nevermind. This is a guy who kicks people in the nuts for sport, so of course he fired back the next time someone stuck a mic in his face.
Solid rebuttal. A little cheap and cliche for Draymond to bust out the “rings” argument, especially considering he was like the third or fourth most important man for his team’s three rings, and you could argue that he cost his team a fourth. And on top of that, you could legitimately make a serious debate of who’s career would you rather have, Chucks or Draymonds.
But just when you thought this fight was over, Chuck comes flying off the top rope. How someone as large as him even got up onto the top rope is beyond me, but my man went War Eagle on Draymond’s ass during The Dan Patrick Show yesterday.
Straight boy band smack. Incredible. And so damn relatable.
Every boy band has that one guy who could get sick with coronavirus on a world tour, have to miss a couple legs, and no one would even notice. We all know the reason most of those boy bands have the number of guys they have is for symmetry and aesthetics.
But this point by Chuck got me thinking. If Charles Barkley says Draymond is the 4th guy in every boy band, then who is the Draymond of every boy band?
So I went ahead and hit you with the member of each boy band who isn’t really needed for the band’s success.
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Backstreet Boys – Howie Dorroh
Question: how many of you knew Howie’s last name before I just wrote up there just now? For everyone who raised their hand at their computer or phone (like an idiot), then you would know that it’s actually spelled DOROUGH! This only plays into my point more.
Not to height shame here, but he is one of the shortest – which is not a deterrent against him, but it is when he does nothing else to make himself stand out. No facial hair. No cool hats. Not even a scar or birthmark.
Everyone obviously knows (and loves) Nick Carter, and not just because his brother wrote those bangers Aaron’s Party (Come Get It) and That’s How I Beat Shaq, mainly because he was the one the girls would “woo” the loudest for. Brian Litrell was also a chick magnet. Kevin Richardson looks like if Matt Dillon could dance, and that leaves AJ and Howie. And sorry, Howard. AJ has a beard and always wears wide-brim hats.
Not to mention, when you Google Image search Backstreet Boys, he’s the TENTH search option, even behind *NSYNC who, may I remind you, is a totally different and competing boy band.
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*NSYNC – Chris Kirkpatrick
The easy answer here would be Joey Fatone, right? Sure, but that’s not the right answer. Fatone at least gained notority with the spelling of his last name being FAT ONE, which make sense considering his weight compared to the rest of the gang. Everyone else had their thing. JC was the older, skinnier one with an exotic last name. Lance was the gay astronaut. And the only thing Justin Timberlake was obviously known for was his brief role in the 2006 film Black Snake Moan. All Chris Kirkpatrick is known for is rocking weird hair (sorry, weirder than everyone else’s weird hair) and wearing random sports jerseys. Pretty sure no girls had a Chris Kirkpatrick poster hanging up in their bedrooms. I mean, the guy looked like he moonlighted as the lead singer of Counting Crows. Sorry, Chrispatrick, you’re the Draymond.
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New Kids On The Block – Danny Wood
Sorry, Dan. But when you’re the only one of the gang who isn’t brothers with Mark Wahlberg or anyone else in the band, you get left out. Plus, look at his face in that picture above. My man looks like he knows he’s the Draymond of his band.
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Jonas Brothers – Kevin Jonas
This one wasn’t even hard.
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The Beatles – George Harrison
Now look, I don’t like to speak ill of the dead. And to be honest, this isn’t exactly speaking ill. On the Mount Rushmore of Beatles, George’s face is still on it. And yeah, I know the joke is always on Ringo Starr for his inability to write good music (general consensus, not my opinion).
But George Harrison is still the Draymond, the 4th member of that band. But hey, look at the bright side, George. At least you’re not the 5th member of that band (cough Pete Best cough).
Although, I do have to give George major props for writing Piggies, a top five Beatles song all-time.
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98 Degrees – I’m Not Even Going To Answer This One
I’m just going to show you a bunch of photos and you tell me, because one of these things is not like the other.
*ding, ding, ding* If you said Justin Jeffre, come collect your prize. I’m not going to say this guy sticks out like a sore thumb, I’m just going to say he looks like a thumb.
In every picture of this band, he looks like their manager. Did he win a contest to be the fourth member of this band? If the band is 98 Degrees, then he’s, at most, 45 degrees, because he’s not even half as hot as the other dudes.
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The Jackson 5 – Marlon Jackson
You have to know that anyone who shares a name with the baseball team in Miami is going to finish last.
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O-Town – Everyone
Look, we all loved All or Nothing. In fact, I’ll admit that song still bangs. But that doesn’t mean the members of the band do. I don’t even want to call these guys all Draymond’s, because that would be a knock at Draymond. These guys are more like the Charlotte Hornets. Sure, they’re good enough to be in the hunt for a boy band playoff spot, but can you even name one guy on their roster?
