What Really Happened After “The Bachelor” Left Kelsey and Ashley I. In the Badlands

At the end of the 6th episode of The Bachelor this season, Chris flew away in a helicopter leaving Kelsey (the female American Psycho), and Ashley I. (the Kard-Ashley-an virgin) alone in the middle of the Badlands. After getting to know these two girls throughout the show, I don’t really blame him. However, you can’t help but wonder what ever happened to them.

As it turns out, we stumbled upon some travel logs from the girls’ trek out of the middle of nowhere. Classic girls… always writing in their diaries! You may be surprised how their voyage home ended up.

Ashley I., Day 1:

Well, Chris left us. I can’t believe it. He left us, and not only that, but he left me with KELSEY?! W-T-F?! She’s an effing lunatic! She’s probably going to murder me like she did her husband! However, I’m not completely worried. I’ve watched a lot of scary movies. The virgins never die.

Kelsey, Day 1:

I know what he did. He left us down here alone for a reason. He knew I was the smartest and she was the dumbest, so he wanted my smartness to rub off on her before he ultimately takes me back. This is a test, and I’m sure he’s still watching. All I have to do is be nice, and educate her on some things to get her to the same intelligence level as me. Either that, or he wants me to kill her. Stay tuned.

Ashley I., Day 2:

Well, Kelsey and I have begun hiking out of the Badlands together. Megan told me that the Badlands are in central Austrailia, about 33,000 miles away from the nearest town, so looks like we’re in for a long hike.

Kelsey, Day 5:

Well, Ashley I. finally stopped crying over Chris leaving her, which is good and bad. I’ve been using her tears as my water supply.

Ashley I., Day 12:

We’ve been hiking for like, I don’t know, a REALLY long time! It’s getting to the point where I can’t even anymore.

Kelsey, Day 14:

We’ve haven’t traveled very far at all, because we keep stopping every few miles for Ashley to reapply another layer of makeup.

Ashley I. Day 21:

Well, we’ve officially missed the “Women Tell All” special. Ugh. I just wanted one more opportunity to confront Chris and tell him that I’m a virgin.

Ashley S., Day 23:

I wandered off set after not receiving a rose and somehow ended up in the Badlands, and guess what? I ran into Ashley I. and Kelsey. What are the odds? The world is like an onion. It’s such a cornucopia of human matter that fills the spirit world with overwhelming gardens of Fruit Roll-Ups and hamsters. I’m hungry. I wish I had a glue stick.

Kelsey, Day 23:

So Ashley S. just showed up, which isn’t that out of the ordinary when you consider the dry barren desert of the Badlands are probably what the inside of her mind is like. She keeps asking us if we have any glue sticks she can eat.

Ashley I., Day 23:

Ashley S. is NOT getting my glue stick. I need it to glue on my eyelashes.

Kelsey, Day 26:

Son of a b… Ashley I. keeps waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me she’s a virgin.

Ashley I., Day 30:

I’m surprised no one has sent out a search party for us by now. We’ve been missing for almost a month now.

Kelsey, Day 31:

I’m not surprised no one has sent out a search party for us by now. Everyone I love is dead, and everyone Ashley I. loves wishes they were dead.

Ashley I., Day 45:

I miss my family. I miss my hair straightener. I miss Instagram. I miss watching VH1. I pretty much miss everything but having sex. Did I mention I’m a virgin?

Kelsey, Day 58:

Could I murder Ashley I. and get away with it? Lol. I’m so silly sometimes. My mind just tends to wander. But yes, I could.

Ashley I., Day 74:

Ugh. Kelsey won’t stop talking about how tragic her lifestory is while smiling like she just won the lottery. She’s weird.

Kelsey, Day 75:

Ugh. Ashley I. won’t stop talking about how she’s a virgin while giggling like a 6th grader. She’s annoying.

Ashley I., Day 98:

I can’t even.

Kelsey, Day 100:

This is officially the longest I’ve gone without killing someone, and in three days, it will be the longest I’ve gone without eating.

Ashley I., Day 102:

Kelsey has been looking at me funny lately.

Kelsey, Day 113:

I did it. I killed Ashley I. Eating her thighs and abdomen should provide adequate protein. Let’s see if she tastes as good as my husband did.

Kelsey, Day 114:

Nope. She didn’t taste half as good as my husband. She tasted like concealer, selfless tanner and sadness.

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