If you have been paying attention to college football, you are getting ready for the SEC showdown of the year. Alabama Elephants vs. LSU Tigres (That’s spanish for Tigers). I hope everyone knows that I would rather the Utah Jazz win the NBA Finals with Karl Malone crying his way to dropping off the mail then have LSU have an undefeated season.
See, I’m an Oregon Ducks fan, first. If you don’t remember early on in the season, LSU beat the Ducks worse than Team Iceland ever did. Then they have just kept winning and winning and winning. They must be stopped. Like that runaway train in Denzel Washington’s highly anticipated suspense thriller, Unstoppable.
Alabama. It’s up to you. After you, they play Western Kentucky University. After them they play the Lady Rebels from Mississippi and then the Arkansas Razorbacks. Alabama. You are our only hope.
Alabama, I need you to use your brute strength and three to four mascots to work your way into the LSU’s brand new defense. I say brand new because this time last year, they were winning games by their opposing teams having too many people on the field and playing teams like Vanderbilt. I need you to take down both of their quarterbacks. Why do they get to have two good ones? I need you to get creative. Maybe run that play that worked on GLEE that involved that song by Beyonce that had everyone dancing in black bathing suits and nylons. Maybe dress Nick Saban up in LSU colors and have him run a joke playbook over to the LSU bench. Maybe he can also just pie someone in the face while he is over there. Football fans would eat that junk up.
Please, Alabama, please. Make everyone except LSU fans happy. Do your Roll Tide Banana Rama Cream Pie Laffy Taffy War Eagle Magic thing happen. Take those Tigers out to pasture where they belong. It’s time they kick the bucket. It’s time they pay the piper. It’s time they sleep with the fishes.
This is your time Alabama. Let’s play them that mountain music.