Thursday, April 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Well, The Colts Certainly Have A Type

QUESTION: What do the following quarterbacks have in common?

ANSWER: The same thing.

All of these quarterbacks were good. Keyword: were. But unfortunately, by the time they slapped the horseshoe on their bonnets, their best days were behind them. It would be like bragging about dating Kelly McGillis from Top Gun. Back in the day, kudos.

But today?

Don’t get me wrong, Matt Ryan is the best available quarterback the Colts could’ve landed this offseason. At least among quarterbacks who aren’t currently facing 22 outstanding lawsuits alleging sexual assault. There’s no argument there. But this move feels like bragging about hooking up with the most popular girl in school at your 25-year reunion. Does it even matter anymore? For whatever reason, the Colts only find matches on their dating apps with quarterbacks whose primes have passed. No pun intended. (But I kinda wish that pun was at least slightly intended.) Again, Matt Ryan is the best quarterback they could’ve gotten this year. For sure. But let’s not act like signing Matt Ryan in the year of our Lord 2022 is like signing Matt Ryan in the year of our Lord 2016.

“But he didn’t have weapons in Hotlanta! Their team was hot garbage!” Maybe. But the Falcons are more stacked offensively (aside from running back) than the Colts right now. In terms of passing targets, pretty sure anyone would take Cordarelle Patterson, Calvin Ridley (before he went Pete Rose), and Kyle Pitts over Michael Pittman Jr., a broken futon, and a dirty hamper full of poopy underwear. And that’s who Matt Ryan had last year, and even with those pieces and an extra game, Matt Ryan still failed to throw for over 4,000 yards for the first time since 2010, he threw for the second-fewest touchdowns in his career, and he failed to win more than 8 games for the fourth straight season. Not to mention, his QBR has steadily declined in just about every season since his MVP year with last year being the biggest dropoff in his career.

“But, but, he’ll be paired with Frank Reich who is a quarterback guru and will be able to pull the best out of him yet again!” Didn’t we hear this last year?

“You’re just a hater.” Of the Colts? Yes. But of Matt Ryan? Not at all. If they made this deal immediately after Andrew Luck got booed off the field for choosing not to get his ass physically kicked anymore, then sure, it’s a grand slam trade. But they didn’t. Which is why they only had to give up a third-rounder for him. Pretty sure the offensive guru known as Arthur Smith wouldn’t have let him walk for such a cheap price if he felt he could get anything more out of him. There’s clearly something there we don’t know. Plus, Matt Ryan is 36. He’ll be almost 37 and a half by the time Week 1 kicks off. What’s the end game here? Hope to get a year out of him? Maybe two? Then you’re right back where you are right now.

And look, the Colts have Jonathan Taylor so do they need an elite quarterback? No, not really. It’s the same situation in Tennessee. They don’t need a Tesla at quarterback when they have a Ferrari in their backfield. All they need is a reliable Toyota Camry to get them from point A to point B. The only thing is, the Camry the Colts just brought in is a 2007 model with close to 200,000 miles on it.

But hey, if the Colts are into cougars, that’s their thing. To each his own, I guess. They were in two serious marriages with two generational talents for the better part of two decades, but since? Well… Some people just love the chase. And one night year stands.

But should we try and guess which washed quarterback will be an Indianapolis Colt this time next year? Because my money is on Andy Dalton.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.