Uncle Steve Ejected From Family Turkey Bowl Game For Targeting
DAYTON, OH- Aside from Grandma getting de-pantsed on a break away run, the Parker family annual Turkey Bowl was going as well as any year. Then the unthinkable happened.
On a third down and the maple tree to gain, Uncle Ben dropped back to pass. He found a wide-open cousin Billy along the sidelines. Billy caught the ball and was immediately hammered by Uncle Steve.
Wearing his eyeblack, Dunbar High School Varsity Football t-shirt, and an unnecessary amount of sweatbands, Uncle Steve launched his body like a torpedo, leading with his head, toward the defenseless 8-year-old, Cousin Billy. That’s when Uncle Steve was ejected for targeting.
Targeting is a new rule implemented this year into the Parker family Turkey Bowl to protect the defenseless receiver and enrage the Parker family’s oldest cousin, Beau, who may or may not be on steroids.
“Ever since Grandpa Parker, may he rest in peace, was diagnosed with CTE in 2007, we decided to clean up the game,” Parker family Turkey Bowl creator and eldest son of Grandpa Parker, Greg Parker said in the post-game press conference. “Along with moving touchbacks out to the azaleas and random drug tests for Beau, the targeting rule is yet another rule we’ve implemented to make the game safer.”
Since the targeting took place after Aunt Cathy brought out the beers and soda (halftime), Uncle Steve will be suspended for the first half of next year’s Turkey Bowl as well.
After lying motionless on the ground for 6 minutes, Cousin Billy got up gingerly, limped off the field (“like a pansy” according to Beau), and spent the rest of the day inside nursing his bruises and playing his Nintendo DS. Sources say the Parker family is also completely out of GoGurt now too.
“He is listed as questionable,” Uncle Ben said post-game. “…to play sports in high school. The kid is tiny. He’ll probably play the flute like his mother.”
Uncle Steve plans to appeal the penalty, especially since Debbie, the Parker family’s mother, and Aunt Cathy got away with a blatant targeting call as they left Thanksgiving dinner early to catch the Black Friday Sale at Target.
