This Land-Is Floyd’s Land

May 23, 2010 Jared

I’m sure you’ve all spent a lot of time over the last few years worried sick about who the José Canseco of cycling would be. What’s that? You haven’t. Oh yeah. Me neither.

Regardless, Floyd Landis is here to annoy your curiosity. Landis, the man stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title title because of a failed doping test, has finally admitted to doping pretty much his entire career. This after he wrote the book (literally) on deny deny deny, basing a large part of his argument on his Mennonite background. Now, I don’t have any real evidence that Mennonite’s tend to be the lying and cheating type, but I do know for a fact that they are bad tippers–so I always assumed he was lying.

Anyway, I digress. The fact of the matter is, Landis has finally copped to what we all knew, and he’s trying to drag cycling’s sterling reputation down with him. Let’s make immature jokes about some of the things he’s said on the matter, shall we?

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“My choices were, do it and see if I can win, or don’t do it and I tell people I just don’t want to do that, and I decided to do it.”

That’s four “do’s”, three “it’s”, two “don’t’s” and one run-on in that sentence. Also, he just broke the record for most times saying “do it” in a sentence that isn’t referencing sex.

“I take responsibility for all the stuff I did.”

…and we see that he’s just as good at “doing it” in different tenses. Yay, Floyd!

“I want to clear my conscience. I don’t want to be part of the problem any more.”

That’s right. I’d rather be part of a different problem: trying to indict countless cycling people without any sort of evidence. Also, is “the problem” he’s referring to the use of PEDs in cycling, or this picture?

“I would never have done that.”

Ah yes, here he is exhibiting use of the past perfect tense to great effect in presenting “doing it.”

“Now we’ve come to the point where the statute of limitations on the things I know is going to run out or start to run out next month. If I don’t say something now, then it’s pointless to ever say it.”

Wait, what does that even mean? Does anybody even know what that means?

“[Lance Armstrong] and I had lengthy discussions about it on our training rides during which time he also explained to me the evolution of EPO testing and how transfusions were now necessary due to the inconvenience of the new test.”

“…and then Lance killed a baby. And ate the rest of the ice cream in your refrigerator. Then he peed all over the Eiffel Tower and defecated on an American flag.” “Mr. Landis, do you have any sort of evidence to support theses claims.” “MY WORDS MEAN SOMETHING! LISTEN TO ME SAY WORDS!”

“And of course, I can sit here and say all day long, ‘If I could do it again I’d do something different,’ but I just don’t have that choice.”

And, at long last, the reflective “do it.”