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Saturday, May 18, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

This Explains A Lot About Tom Brady

At first, all he did was replace Drew Bledsoe and win Super Bowls. Now he is doing a little less of that and a little more of modeling in UGGs advertisements. He is still putting up big numbers on the field, but off the field he is flailing his arms around like a little girl who just got back stage passes to Bieber.

Why is Tom Brady like this? Why does he act so feminine? Is it because he’s married to Gisele Bündchen, one of the world’s biggest models? (like fame-wise, not plus size) Is it because at some point during the 2008 season when he was out with a knee injury he magically switched bodies with Kelly Ripa? Even though that last one makes the most sense, we’re nearly positive we’ve found the reason. And that reason is summed up by one photo:

Since you probably can't tell, Tom is the short chubster on either the far right or far left.

Tom obviously had two masculine flaws growing up. 1. He was a little tubby kid. The kind of kid that his mom had to set a limit to how many Fruit By The Foot’s he was allowed to have in a day. And 2. With the exception of his dad, he grew up with all women. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to grow up with all sisters, but when the amount of estrogen in a home is significantly more than the amount of testosterone, odds are you’ll see side effects. Like, would rather hang out at Limited Too than the mall’s food court as a teen side effects. Or sneaking into the English Patient instead of Eraser at the movies in high school side effects. Or at recess in elementary school preferring to trade and collect Lisa Frank erasers and stickers instead of collecting frogs and insects to throw at the girls that were collecting and trading Lisa Frank erasers and stickers side effects. All of which I’m sure described Tom Brady’s up bringing.

Which an upbringing like that should explain why Tom Brady:

1. Wears winter coats on a warm summer’s day.

2. Gets “excited” to star in Australian UGGs commercials.

3. Might actually be Gazelle inventor, Tony Little:

Brady Family Photo Source: SI Vault

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Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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