The Huffington Roast – October 30, 2009

October 30, 2009 Austin

Remember my Huff n’ Fluff post at the end of last month? Well, this is that same post only with, in the homophobic slurs of Larry Johnson, a less “fag” name.

The Huffington Roast.

I must give credit to my good pal, Clint Alwahab, for brainstorming with me to come up with this name. If you haven’t done so already, please check out his blog: Tom Selleck’s Mustachioed Adventures. There is some real funny stuff there.

Anyway, there has been lots of sports news this past week, which means (for me) lots of jokes. So let’s quit wasting time and get to it…

This is The Huffington Roast: Halloween Eve Edition.

• • •

Many of you have heard about Larry Johnson’s troubles by now. He Tweeted negative comments about his coach last week and made homophobic slurs toward a fan. A fan by the name of Jared Launius. Yup, the same Jared Launius who writes for this blog.

Jared is now the second Korked Bats writer who has been Tweeted by a celebrity (that sounds dirty).

I don’t know if any of you remember, but yours truly was tweeted by a much hotter celebrity than Larry Johnson. (Not like hotter in the world of pop culture, just better looking.)

Of course that is up for debate if you were to ask Jared. That Christopher Street Boy would probably say that Larry Johnson is hotter.

• • •

Speaking of breaking knee caps…

Just when Clippers fans had something to be excited about…

Their number one draft pick goes out and breaks his kneecaps the day before the season starts.

Somewhere Rob Schneider is saying:

• • •

Speaking of people not being able to play with their team…

On Tuesday the Phillies made a few roster changes before the start of the World Series. One of the moves they made was picking up pitcher Brett Myers.

However, we all know that when you pick someone up, you must drop someone else.

That lucky person was infielder Miguel Cairo.

What a shame, looks like Miguel will be watching the series in the comfort of his own home like the rest of us.

But cheer up Miguel, I hear those World Series rings are big, gaudy, and heavy. You don’t want one of those weighing you down in the off season.

• • •

Speaking of the Fall Classic…

Am I the only non-Yankees fan who wants the Yankees to win it all? I like Derek Jeter, I would like to see the Yankees win a title the first year in their new stadium, and I mean, c’mon, the pinstripes haven’t won a title since 2000. Why are they still hated by everyone? They haven’t been relevant in October since 2003.

I know they are the evil empire, but think about this…

Did Batman ever put the finishing move to kill the Joker while he was down?

No. Because if he did, then who would terrorize Gotham City? No one. And the whole Batman saga would be complete. And Batman would just be some rich guy who wears costumes everyday.

So go ahead Yanks, you have my permission to win only your second WS Title this decade.

You are Major League Baseball’s Joker.

• • •

Speaking of people people who wear purple…

You coach football like a girl!

Last week on the team flight to Pittsburgh, Minnesota Vikings head coach, Brad Childress, dressed up like a female flight attendant. His purpose was to get a rise out of the players and staff to remind them that it was just a game and to have fun.

Well, Brad, looks like you did it all for nothing. The Vikings lost 27-17. Their first loss of the season.

Stick with what you know best… Which is not dressing up like female flight attendants.

• • •

Speaking of losers…

Andre Agassi admitted to using crystal meth in 1997.

Aggie, I must admit, I’m a little disappointed. Not really in the fact that you did drugs. Just your choice of drugs.

You play a country club sport. Crystal meth is a trailer park drug.

I am glad that you admitted it. But next time, just lie about which kind.

Maybe cocaine? Only the classiest get caught using cocaine.

Too soon?

• • •

Speaking of cocaine…

Bob Griese has been suspended from his broadcasting duties for this week’s games after a comment he made on the air during the Ohio State v. Minnesota game.

His collegue, Chris Speilman, was talking about the top 5 leaderboard in the NASCAR Race for the Cup. (Which makes sense considering this was a college football game… in the north.) Speilman made a comment about how Juan Pablo Montoya wasn’t even in the top 5.

That’s when the genius chimed in, “He’s out getting a taco.”

First off, Juan Pablo Montoya is Colombian (hence the speaking of cocaine reference above), not Mexican.

Second, that was a very tasteless joke…

…unless he was referring to the Double Decker Taco from Taco Bell.

In that case, it was a very tasty joke.

• • •

Speaking of Mexicans and food…

New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez got in trouble this past week for sneaking (and eating) a hot dog on the sidelines during their game against the Oakland Raiders.

Most of Sanchez’s teammates were mad at him because they weren’t sure if it was a hot dog in his pocket or if he was just happy to see them.

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One thought on “The Huffington Roast – October 30, 2009”

Anonymous
November 9, 2009 at 10:26 am

So…that wasn't funny and you're a terrible, amateur writer who apparently doesn't know anything about sports…that was a waste of life