The Family Franchise Tag
One of the quasi-celebrity Twitter accounts that I enjoy following is a couple brothers from St. Louis, known as the Sklar Brothers. They’ve been in and around the sports world for a while, and host an entertaining weekly podcast entitled Sklarbro Country. Besides making more puns relating to their name (i.e. Sklarbitration, False Sklaram, the St. Louis Sklardinals) than this Saturday Night Live sketch, these guys can throw down an entertaining tweet every now and then. For example, the other day I was perusing the latest banter about the NBA trade deadline and the Peyton Manning hoopla, when I came across this gem:
And this tweet got me thinking. If I had to franchise tag one of my family members, who would I choose?! I’d like to invite you inside my brain for the next few minutes as I decide who deserves this honor.
Note: My wife is excluded from this list for obvious reasons (like, if you don’t franchise tag your wife, you may be found in a ditch wearing an eye patch. Don’t be found in a ditch wearing an eye patch.) Plus she’s my best friend. And no, I didn’t put that because she’s reading this. But honey, if you’re reading this, I love you. And I did the dishes. I promise.
The Candidates for My Family Franchise Tag:
Andy (far right)- The oldest of my brothers. Andy taught me most of the things I know about life. How do drive a car. How not to drive a car. How to get a speeding ticket. How to get out of a speeding ticket. How to ask a girl on a date. How to dump a girl after your date goes poorly. He makes a compelling case for the franchise tag. I can’t let some other family swoop in and take the guy that built the stadium that was my teenage years. This is going to be difficult. His field vision is unparalleled and I think his lifetime record against me in driveway basketball has got to be something like 1392-4.
At the same time, I need to be objective. Andy is a human, and humans have flaws. His vertical leap isn’t what it used to be. But he can also still put me in a headlock until I pass out… Gosh this is going to be tougher than I thought…
Trey (middle)– Only a year younger than me, Trey and I shared many friends growing up. Either I wasn’t cool enough and had to hang out with younger kids, or Trey was really cool and got to hang out with older kids. This remains to be seen. Either way, he and I have been through a lot. And by a lot, I mean we dated the same girl once. Talk about awkward family dinners. Regardless, Trey may be the fastest of the bunch and his small hands can come in handy when you drop candy or other things in between your car seat and the center console (you have to take all things into consideration here).
If I’m being honest, Trey has some serious flaws. He’s the shortest of the brothers (a fact which we remind him of frequently). He also gets confused for my mother sometimes. I can’t slap my franchise tag on a guy that gets confused with my mom, can I?
Kyle (far left)– the youngest of my brothers, Kyle is the wildcard. Kind of like Randy Moss, Kyle is high-risk and high-reward. By high-risk, I mean that once Kyle jumped off our 25 foot deck while drinking a can of Mountain Dew and had to clear 12 feet of concrete (horizontally) to land in our pool. By high-reward, I mean that Kyle did this jump with the greatest of ease- it was a thing of beauty. I may or may not have filmed this and subsequently posted it to my MySpace page. God bless 2006. Seriously though, Kyle once scored 9 points in the final 2 minutes of a high school basketball game. His raw athletic ability and striking resemblance to David Beckham make him hard to pass up with the family franchise tag.
After a lot of thought and discussion with my GM (aka our dog Sophie), I think I’ve come to a conclusion. I need to stop talking to dogs. Also, I also think I’ve made my decision. I’m going to have to slap the family franchise tag (for 2012) on my brother Kyle. His size, speed, collection of cool hats, and rugged good looks just tipped him over the edge. Plus he has the most years left in his prime. I’m going to need to hit the negotiation table with Andy and Trey to see if we can work out a deal for them to stay in the family.
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This post was created by Bryce. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @BryceStuck
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