Yo, Philadelphia, what the hell?! Save some good sports for the rest of us.

Like seriously, WTF is going on?! All of a sudden, Philadelphia is the epicenter of sports. The Eagles are playing like they’re quarterbacked by Donovan McNabb and coached by Andy Reid. And the Phillies are back in the World Series like Chase Utley is manning second and the Flyin’ Hawaiian Shane Victorino is making plays in right. But even then, the Phillies and Eagles were never fully dominant at the same time like they are right now. And with the Phillies and Eagles, we should expect them to be great every couple of years. It’s the fact that even the Sixers and Flyers are adding to the mix that makes us all feel like that Jackie Chan meme.

Sure, the Sixers are currently 0-3 to start this season, but let’s be real. We all know they’re going to be a player in the east come playoff time. I mean, they won’t win the East because they employ James Harden and well, the process just doesn’t account for going that deep into the playoffs. But they’ll still be good.

But the real shocker is the damn Flyers. Where the hell did this 4-1-0 start come from? I mean, yeah, John Tortorella is ALWAYS a great hire. He’s like a meaner Barry Trotz. But how the hell is he making this big of an impact so immediately? And we’re a big Torts blog. Always have been. Even when he hated puppies.

The Flyers won 25 games ALL of last season, and this year, they’ve already won 4 out of 5. Did the city of Philadelphia sell their soul? Like can they just chill out for a minute? Choose one team to be good and let the rest be mediocre like just about every other major market in the country. Please? And I’m not just saying this for the rest of the country’s sake. I’m saying this for YOUR sake, Philadelphia. Because your city’s infrastructure won’t be able to withstand a Phillies World Series title and Eagles Super Bowl in the same calendar year. Seriously, the Liberty Bell will get another crack. Fans will eat more than just horse crap off the street. I care about you, Philadelphia. My mom is from Philly. I have a soft spot for the city. This doesn’t come from a place of malice. This comes from a place of love. From a place of Brotherly Love. Trust us. You do NOT want that to happen. You will not be able to handle it. Broad Street won’t be able to handle it. Hell, that one dude with the Philadelphia Phanatic tattooed around his belly button won’t be able to handle it. He will literally die. So do us all a favor and just chill out for a bit.

P.S. I will admit, this video is dope as hell.

The post Hey Philadelphia, Can You Guys Just Cool It For A Bit?! appeared first on Korked Bats.

Butters yelled “Santonio!!!” to which he turned around and acknowledged us. We both looked at each other and laughed and agreed that no one is going to believe us when we tell them about this–mainly because Butters is commonly caught with his foot in his mouth. BUT I can vouch for him, this absolutely happened. With that being said, this got me thinking about all of the other unbelievable encounters I have had with athletes/celebrities. Let me share some. 

Patrick Ewing 

After a long night out on the town in the Big Apple, my friend and I began our journey back to North Jersey where he lived, by walking across the George Washington bridge to Fort Lee. After trudging 4,760 feet across that bridge while still very drunk, we came across a Rite Aid that was calling both of our names. As I sprinted (stumbled) toward the door shouting for Gatorade, I nearly collided with the largest person I have ever seen in my life. I gathered myself to look up and apologize to this man, and when I saw his face I was stunned. 

There was no way in hell I was looking at Patrick Ewing in the middle of a Rite Aid doorway, in some random shopping center in North Jersey. I attributed it to my blackedoutness (maybe brownedoutness at this point). Somehow I mustered out the words, “Sorry Mr. Ewing.” He grunted and nodded, and his wife, who was standing next to him, just shook her head and started laughing. I’m assuming they smelled the tequila radiating from my pores. Anyway, thanks for the memories, Pat!

Rhys Hoskins 

I ran into Rhys at a lovely Olde City (Philly) establishment, Buffalo Billiards. When I say I ran into him, my friend Steve and I drunkenly forced ourselves on him while he was playing darts with some buddies. From what I remember, Steve and I just kept saying “Dude” to him and telling him how awesome he was (yes, I hate myself too). Rhys wasn’t very fun, and we were offended by it. Looking back on it though, he was in the midst of an awful slump and the last thing he wanted to see was two idiots stumbling toward him while he’s just trying to drink away his sorrows and throw sharp pencils with feathers on them into the wall. Sorry, Rhys. 

Malcolm Jenkins 

As a real estate agent by trade, your contact info is all over the internet, so you never know who is going to reach out to you. One day a woman contacted me about looking for a rental property, so I figured out what she was looking for and set her up with a handful of showings. When the day came to go see the properties I got a call from her telling me that I would not be meeting with her, but rather with her client. I was a little confused because she hadn’t mentioned this before. She goes on to tell me his name is Malcolm and gives me his number, and tells me to give him a call when I get to the first house. Upon arrival, I called the number she gave me and the voice on the other end sounded extremely familiar. He tells me he’s here and gets out of the fully tinted Tesla that I happened to be parked next to—holy sh*t that’s Malcolm Jenkins. I am a diehard Eagles fan, and we had just won the Super Bowl. My mind was exploding. Typically when you meet a client, or any other human, for the first time, you introduce yourself. Nope. Not me. All I ended up doing was sticking my hand out and saying, “Thank you.” He was definitely confused at first but then looked down to see the Eagles logo on my polo, then smiled and laughed. ICYWW, yes, I did end up finding him a house. 

Marshawn Lynch 

This is hands down the weirdest and most unbelievable encounter I’ve ever had. Which I’m sure is what most people say after meeting Beast Mode. I was walking home one day in the Northern Liberties section of Philadelphia, down North 2nd Street. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this street, it’s very busy with shops and restaurants with cars constantly driving down it. As I head down the street, I can see in the distance two guys walking in the middle of the street carrying large duffel bags. J-walking in Philly is a birthright, but something about this was different. The two men got closer and I got a better look at them. Both were extremely strong looking individuals, and one of them was very familiar looking. I had seen those dreads before. I had seen those massive gold Dre Beats before. I had seen that face before. I knew exactly who it was. When I got to be within earshot of them I yelled, “Marshawwwwnnnn!!!” Yep. It was him alright. The glare he gave me sent chills down my spine. He looked at me like I was a bag of Skittles he wanted to tear to shreds. My excitement quickly turned to fear as I began to power walk away. I couldn’t believe that just happened. Why would Marshawn be in my neighborhood on a random afternoon? Turns out he was in town to see a specialist for one of his injuries. My advice to you all–if you ever run into Marshawn Lynch, don’t yell his name in public, unless you want to shit your pants (OBJ might be into that sort of thing, but I’m not). 

Bryce Harper

Marshawn may have been the weirdest encounter I have ever had with a public figure, but this one was my favorite. The best part– KB’s own Gator Flint is at the center of it. Back in 2015 when Bryce was still on the Nationals, and Gator Flint and I still lived in Pittsburgh, the Nats were in town to play the Pirates. One morning we ventured down to the South Side to eat at Waffles Incaffeinated, a local breakfast spot. As we entered, a couple was exiting at the same time. Guess who? Bryce and his now wife, Kay. Gator being the Philly fan he is, stopped Bryce and proceeded to put a curse on him (any good Philadelphian would’ve done the same)–telling him that Washington is going to lose every game for the rest of the season! At the time the Nats were battling the Mets for first place in the NL East, and were looking like they were headed to the playoffs. Fast forward to the end of September, and Bryce and Co. were on the outside looking in, after an epic collapse at the end of the season. Is Gator Flint to blame? Probably. What else could it be? Regardless, what truly matters is that Bryce is in his true home now, and the curse has been broken (as long as he remains here). If anything can be learned from this though–don’t cross Gator.

AJ McLean 

This one is for all of you ’90s babies out there. When I was 8-years-old, my family took a trip to Disney World for my sister’s 5th birthday (yes, I know, 5-year-olds don’t remember shit, what a waste of money). We ended up stopping at some gas station in Orlando. I went into the convenience store to grab some snacks and the cashier said to me, “Hey kid, do you like the Backstreet Boys?” Um, yes, I [BLEEP]ING LOVE the Backstreet Boys (I had to censor myself because again, I was 8 and on a family vacation). But this was the year 2000 and life was good. He points out the window to one of the gas pumps where a man was filling up his Mercedes and says, “There goes one of em’ right now.” It was AJ, the edgy one with tattoos that all of the future emo kids loved. I ran and told my parents and my dad went over and asked if I could take a photo with him. 

I know, I know. My Mickey Mouse visor and Sketchers are fire.

Andre 3000

While Mr. 3000 (no, not Bernie Mack, RIP in peace) is mainly known for being one half of the super duo, Outkast, Andre Benjamin (yes I was shocked too when I learned his last name isn’t actually 3000) has taken up acting since Outkast has been on an indefinite hiatus. His most recent work was starring in Jason Segel’s new TV show Dispatches From Elsewhere, which was filmed in Philadelphia. One afternoon I was in Chinatown with a couple friends of mine at a restaurant, and we were seated near the window along the sidewalk. As we were waiting for our meal, I happened to look out the window and see someone that looked an awful lot like Andre 3000 playing a flute. Yes, it’s as absurd as it sounds. As the man approached our window I pulled out my phone because it was, in fact, Andre 3000 playing a flute. He saw me filming and stopped in front of our window and just stared, continuing to play, only to follow that up by flipping us the bird. We all lost it and I was so taken aback that I lost the video (I know, how convenient). If you don’t believe me though, here are some other videos that capture this legend in action.

So there you have it. Some of my favorite celebrity encounters. Hit us with yours in the comments. If you want. Or don’t. I don’t care.

This post was written by Hubb. Follow him on IG: @erikemeryhubbard

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Check out The Junk Drawers episode on sharing celebrity encounter stories…

The post Celebrities, They’re Just Like Us! Celebrity Encounter Stories Are The Best & Here Are Mine appeared first on Korked Bats.

With the beginning of each new MLB season, baseball fans across the country have so much hope that this will be their team’s year. Except for maybe this year, where all hope has been lost amongst the worst year in human history. But I digress. There are 29 MLB teams (30, if you count the Marlins), but only one piece of metal Commissioner’s Trophy. And that math doesn’t add up. So most teams won’t win the World Series. But if your team ends up winning it all in October, the reason below is why.

Your favorite MLB team will win the World Series…

Nationals: …Dr. Fauci is throwing out their first pitch of the season, and maybe they can get him to stay to join their monstrous rotation.

Angels: …because money.

Dodgers: …because more money.

Yankees: …because most money.

Athletics: …because Moneyball.

Red Sox: …because they haven’t won a World Series since they fired Dave Dombrowski in September 2019. This is the year they break “The Curse of The Dombino.”

Cardinals: …to spite the self-proclaimed Best Fans In Baseball who I’d be willing to bet won’t even go to a game this season.

Reds: …because Trevor Bauer isn’t allowed to drone due to COVID restrictions.

White Sox: …because if The Last Dance taught us anything, it’s that the White Sox have an owner who knows how to build (coughanddestroycough) a championship winning team.

Braves: …those three days with Yasiel Puig on the team was all the energy they needed to spring board them into their first title since ’95.

Tigers: …because I just have a feeling in my gut.

Giants: …because Pablo Sandovol just has a feeling (and a full rack of ribs, three side of fries, a triple-cheeseburger, eight sleeves of Fig Newtons, a plate of pasta, four Nature Valley Crunch Bars, and a GoGurt) in his gut.

Mariners: …because the season is only 60 games long AND they expanded the playoffs. It’s like they tailor-built this season for the Mariners to win it all.

Rockies: …because if Lloyd Christmas taught us anything, when you’re in the Rockies, you always wear two pairs of gloves. And two pairs of gloves in this COVID climate is extra safe and healthy.

Diamondbacks: …because if they can make it to the World Series, they now have Madison Bumgarner. And we all know what he can do in a World Series.

speaking of the Royals…

Royals: …because if there’s one thing new manager Mike Matheny knows, it’s how to get to a World Series (see: 2004 as a player and 2013 as a manager — just don’t look at the results of said World Series)

Phillies: …because Bryce Harper is apparently not afraid of coronavirus.

Brewers: …because among the turmoil surrounding the Redskins, Indians, and Braves’ team names, the Brewers were able to skate by despite Milwaukee being an Indian name and is actually pronounced “mill-e-wah-que” which is Algonquin for “the good land.”

Twins: (spoilers for the 2011 pandemic thriller Contagion are ahead) …because in the 2011 pandemic thriller Contagion, Matt Damon was immune to the disease. Where did he live? Minneapolis. Where do the Twins play? Minneapolis. Point being the Twins are probably the only team immune to COVID and they’ll be the only team left standing in the end. Also, RIP in peace Gwyneth Paltrow.

Cubs: …because they finally got that four-eyed, spring training clown-loving nerd Joe Maddon (literally the only Cubs manager to win a World Series in over a CENTURY) out of their clubhouse, and now they’re ready to win it all with the more fun-loving, fan friendly David Ross who is nicknamed *checks notes* …Grandpa.

Pirates: …maybe by sharing a stadium with the Blue Jays, some of their 4th place magic will rub off on the Pirates this year.

Blue Jays: …teams not named the Pirates ALWAYS win in Pittsburgh.

Mets: …because when have the Mets ever let anyone down?

Rays: …because the safest place in Florida for COVID-19 is Tropicana Field. No one goes in there.

Indians: They have an owner who wants to move the team to Miami, but the city won’t give up on the lease if the attendance dips below a certain number. Thus the players rally together to win it all to not only prevent a move, but to slowly undress the cardboard cutout of their sexy female owner after each victory.

Padres: …because two words: JAYCE. TINGLER.

Astros: …because empty stadiums means it’ll be much easier to hear.

Rangers: …because they want to hang a banner in their brand new Costco.

Marlins: …because they’ll be the only team in baseball with a fan in attendance. How in the hell did Marlins Man buy those seats?!

Orioles: …lol, they won’t.

The post Why Your Favorite MLB Team Will Win The World Series In 2020 appeared first on Korked Bats.

According to Jim Salisbury of NBC Sports Philadelphia, Bryce Harper asked about the coronavirus today:

“I live, man,” the Phillies slugger said late Tuesday morning. “I don’t worry about a disease or a virus. I live my life. I’m doing everything the same. I’m shaking people’s hands, I’m high-fiving. I’m healthy. I’m 27. The people that are affected, it’s a lot of older and maybe some young, as well. But I just live my life.”

“I don’t worry about a disease or a virus.” What a freaking bad ass. I bet he flipped his hair right after he said that too. I love that he claims that a lot of the people are affected are a lot older, and then quickly realized he’s not entirely sure if that’s true, so he added, “and maybe some young, as well.”

I also love this part:

Harper spoke with reporters outside the Phillies’ clubhouse and he kept a distance of about eight feet. 

Bryce Harper’s like, “I don’t care about a deadly virus, but do you mind backing up to a slightly awkward distance for a conversation?” He said he was just following the rules (total Mormon move), and told the reporter he wouldn’t hesitate to give any of the reporters a hug (again, total Mormon move).

I could go for the easy joke here and say Bryce Harper isn’t afraid of coronavirus because after living in Philadelphia for a year, he’s already immune to any disease… so I will. Bryce Harper isn’t afraid of coronavirus because after living in Philadelphia for a year, he’s already immune to any disease.

That contract is really going to bite the Philadelphia Phillies in the ass if Bryce ends up getting coronavirus and has to miss time.

This is the cockiest Bryce Harper has been during spring training since, “Where’s my ring?”

Oh great. Now Bryce is gonna be the first MLBer with coronavirus.

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The post Bryce Harper Is The Baddest Man Alive, Undeterred By Coronavirus appeared first on Korked Bats.

To help pass the month and half until ACTUAL baseball begins, let’s all partake in a nice game of MLB Spring Training BINGO.

The post Play MLB Spring Training BINGO! appeared first on Korked Bats.

SAN DIEGO – While the entire baseball world waits with bated breath, wondering where Bryce Harper will sign, it turns out the superstar outfielder signed with the San Diego Padres 3 years ago.

Apparently, he’s been a Padre since the 2016 season and no one even realized it.

“Well, color me shocked,” one baseball scout said. “I guess I just missed that.”

In his time with the Padres, they continued to be bad, but Bryce posted a .248/.390/.550/.968 slash line. That last slash is the percentage of San Diego residents who know who he is, a stat that hasn’t been reached since Tony Gwynn in 1998.

Padres television broadcaster Dan Orsillo has known Bryce Harper has been a Padre for a while. “Yeah, Bryce has been down here for a few seasons now. He’s been playing alongside Eric Hosmer, Wil Myers, and uhhh… ummm… Kevin? There’s a Kevin on the team, right? I dunno. I usually check out by June anyways.”

Obviously the signing sent shockwaves through the San Diego area as Padres attendance over the last few years has risen from 8,000 fans per game to 8,006 fans per game.

“I guess his signing just got lost in the shuffle with the Chargers moving to L.A. and everything,” lifelong San Diego resident Robert Miguel said.

The current feeling around baseball is awkward. One anonymous GM said, “You know that old adage, ‘if a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?’ Well, apparently if Bryce Harper signs with the Padres, it doesn’t make a noise.”

So now it appears most MLB clubs will shift their focus to Manny Machado, who they didn’t even know was a player until he was traded to Los Angeles in July.

The post Awkward! Bryce Harper Apparently Signed With The San Diego Padres 3 Years Ago appeared first on Korked Bats.

Bryce Harper

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Jimmie Johnson

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Dwyane Wade

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Serena Williams

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Peyton Manning

The post Gatorade’s New ‘Joe vs. Pro’ Commercials Are Hilarious [VIDEO] appeared first on Korked Bats.

Why did ESPN feel the need to add that he was shirtless? Seems like an unnecessary homoerotic detail.

So that got us thinking. What would ESPN Mobile Alerts look like if they were more realistic?

The post 24 Realistic ESPN Mobile Alerts appeared first on Korked Bats.

Last week, Sports Illustrated released a cover featuring Washington Nationals superstars Bryce Harper, Max Scherzer, and Bryce Harper’s tree trunk forearms. We fixed their cover to be more realistic.

Click on the image to make it larger.

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post We Fixed Sports Illustrated’s MLB Preview Cover appeared first on Korked Bats.

You can watch the full commercial here:

Reporter: What’s with your hang cleans, Bryce?

Bryce Harper: That’s a TRON question, bro.

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post The Most Bryce Harper GIF Ever, Bro [GIF] appeared first on Korked Bats.