Why Your Favorite MLB Team Will Win The World Series In 2020

With the beginning of each new MLB season, baseball fans across the country have so much hope that this will be their team’s year. Except for maybe this year, where all hope has been lost amongst the worst year in human history. But I digress. There are 29 MLB teams (30, if you count the Marlins), but only one piece of metal Commissioner’s Trophy. And that math doesn’t add up. So most teams won’t win the World Series. But if your team ends up winning it all in October, the reason below is why.

Your favorite MLB team will win the World Series…

Nationals: …Dr. Fauci is throwing out their first pitch of the season, and maybe they can get him to stay to join their monstrous rotation.

Angels: …because money.

Dodgers: …because more money.

Yankees: …because most money.

Athletics: …because Moneyball.

Red Sox: …because they haven’t won a World Series since they fired Dave Dombrowski in September 2019. This is the year they break “The Curse of The Dombino.”

Cardinals: …to spite the self-proclaimed Best Fans In Baseball™ who I’d be willing to bet won’t even go to a game this season.

Reds: …because Trevor Bauer isn’t allowed to drone due to COVID restrictions.

White Sox: …because if The Last Dance taught us anything, it’s that the White Sox have an owner who knows how to build (coughanddestroycough) a championship winning team.

Braves: …those three days with Yasiel Puig on the team was all the energy they needed to spring board them into their first title since ’95.

Tigers: …because I just have a feeling in my gut.

Giants: …because Pablo Sandovol just has a feeling (and a full rack of ribs, three side of fries, a triple-cheeseburger, eight sleeves of Fig Newtons, a plate of pasta, four Nature Valley Crunch Bars, and a GoGurt) in his gut.

Mariners: …because the season is only 60 games long AND they expanded the playoffs. It’s like they tailor-built this season for the Mariners to win it all.

Rockies: …because if Lloyd Christmas taught us anything, when you’re in the Rockies, you always wear two pairs of gloves. And two pairs of gloves in this COVID climate is extra safe and healthy.

Diamondbacks: …because if they can make it to the World Series, they now have Madison Bumgarner. And we all know what he can do in a World Series.

speaking of the Royals…

Royals: …because if there’s one thing new manager Mike Matheny knows, it’s how to get to a World Series (see: 2004 as a player and 2013 as a manager — just don’t look at the results of said World Series)

Phillies: …because Bryce Harper is apparently not afraid of coronavirus.

Brewers: …because among the turmoil surrounding the Redskins, Indians, and Braves’ team names, the Brewers were able to skate by despite Milwaukee being an Indian name and is actually pronounced “mill-e-wah-que” which is Algonquin for “the good land.”

Twins: (spoilers for the 2011 pandemic thriller Contagion are ahead) …because in the 2011 pandemic thriller Contagion, Matt Damon was immune to the disease. Where did he live? Minneapolis. Where do the Twins play? Minneapolis. Point being the Twins are probably the only team immune to COVID and they’ll be the only team left standing in the end. Also, RIP in peace Gwyneth Paltrow.

Cubs: …because they finally got that four-eyed, spring training clown-loving nerd Joe Maddon (literally the only Cubs manager to win a World Series in over a CENTURY) out of their clubhouse, and now they’re ready to win it all with the more fun-loving, fan friendly David Ross who is nicknamed *checks notes* …Grandpa.

Pirates: …maybe by sharing a stadium with the Blue Jays, some of their 4th place magic will rub off on the Pirates this year.

Blue Jays: …teams not named the Pirates ALWAYS win in Pittsburgh.

Mets: …because when have the Mets ever let anyone down?

Rays: …because the safest place in Florida for COVID-19 is Tropicana Field. No one goes in there.

Indians: They have an owner who wants to move the team to Miami, but the city won’t give up on the lease if the attendance dips below a certain number. Thus the players rally together to win it all to not only prevent a move, but to slowly undress the cardboard cutout of their sexy female owner after each victory.

Padres: …because two words: JAYCE. TINGLER.

Astros: …because empty stadiums means it’ll be much easier to hear.

Rangers: …because they want to hang a banner in their brand new Costco.

Marlins: …because they’ll be the only team in baseball with a fan in attendance. How in the hell did Marlins Man buy those seats?!

Orioles: …lol, they won’t.