Sunday, April 21, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Suspicious Bonfire Reported Outside Ryan Miller’s Home

Just a few days separated from his heralded performance as the U.S. Men’s Hockey Team goaltender in the Vancouver Winter Olympics, neighbors of aforementioned goalie Ryan Miller reported a suspicious bonfire coming from the backyard of Miller’s home in the United States of America.

“It’s just not something you see everyday,” said Miller’s neighbor Jim Heyes in a recent interview with he and his wife at their home, “Ryan is usually pretty peaceful.”

When asked more specifically about the fire, Heyes continued, “It smelled like maple. Maple and leather, with some grip tape mixed into the smell.”

Heyes wife, Alicia Triad-Heyes, interrupted, “No, it smelled way more like fiberglass composite than maple. Fires like that haven’t smelled like maple since the 1990s. But definitely leathery and grip tapey.”

The two proceeded to show a picture of the fire, which they estimated at about four feet in height, or “I dunno, whatever height a stick and some gloves would reach to.”

They both agreed whole-heartedly that the story was no correlation to a recent story that reported the disappearance of Sidney Crosby’s Gold Medal Game hockey stick and gloves following his overtime goal against the U.S.

“There was a fire,” Triad-Heyes said, “just a fire. No sticks or gloves. We would’ve seen them, trust me, the fire was lighting up the whole backyard.”

Miller was unable to be reached for contact. That’s why we just knocked on his neighbor’s door.


Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


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