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Stick with the Uniform

The ESPY’s are a place for athletes to put on fancy threads and show off how good they look when they are in movie star clothes.  If they could all pull off the street clothes look like the legendary, but sometimes inappropriate, Brett Farve, we would be in business.  

Even Blake Griffin knew this was time to shine outside of his LA Clipper clothes and wore a well taylored suit that emphasized his eyes.

There were a few athletes that either missed the memo to hire a stylist or they just assumed that since they were a good athlete, that no one would notice how weird they looked while not dressed in a uniform.  And then there were a few that can do whatever they want because they have a beard and can throw a ball really fast.

Exhibit A.

Ma’am, you look crazy.  And everyone knows what your boobs look like.

We get it, you are good at tennis and are proud of your woman-ness, but the rest of us do not need to see just how proud you are.  Make someone take you to dinner first.  Yikes.

Exhibit B.

I don’t care how many kids this guy hangs out with, not every man can and should wear purple on purple.

Also, are you smiling, Tim Tebow, or are you hurt?

And while I’m at it, 1998 called, it wants its large quantities of hair gel back.

Yeah. I said it.

Exhibit C.

Lindsey Vonn. I think you had good intentions with this dress, but instead you kind of looked like a cheetah prostitute.  You are good at skiing though, so just put some pants on and call it a good day.

Exhibit D.

You all know and love the next guy.  I have only known him for a week and I already love him. However, I am concerned about his “I can do whatever I want because I have a beard” attitude.

I like the shoes, but I can not get behind white Mario and Luigi gloves.  Nope.  Or a Mr. Peanut cane.  You don’t have a hard time walking, do you Mr. Wilson?  The biking pants are unnecessary, but while you are on top of the world you might as well take advantage of the stuff people will let you get away with.

Okay, and last, but not least:

Michael Phelps.

Yikes.

Michael Phelps does not look good in a suit.

He just kind of looks like he just woke up from a nap that he took in his suit and decided to come to the ESPYs anyway.

Michael, from one American to the next, don’t mess with a good thing.

The point of award shows is to look your best.  Maybe your best is more along these lines…

or

or

If you find something that works for you, just keep doing it.

Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Athletes, please don’t try and re-invent the wheel.  If you look good in your uniform.  Wear it.  If you can’t pick out your own clothes without looking like Missy Elliot had something to do with it, then go with what you know.

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