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St. Louis Cardinals Are Feel-Good Story Killers

The St. Louis Cardinals are feel-good story killers. Below are multiple instances of the Cardinals killing the best stories never written. But before we get into those, let’s give a little background into the Red Birds’ numbness towards positive, uplifting, feel-good stories.

APTOPIX World Series Rangers Cardinals Baseball
St. Louis Cardinals: Really good at baseball, even better at killing feel-good stories.

St. Louis might be the only city in America that roots for the absolute demise of the Chicago Cubs franchise every season. Clearly, every baseball market wants their own team to win the World Series every year, but if you polled every market, they’d probably say their second choice is the Cubs. Why? Because everyone would love to see the feel-good story of the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series. Everyone except those feel-good story killers in St. Louis.

Cubs Nerd
This ITT Tech yearbook photo reveals just how nerdy Cubs is.

You see, St. Louis is like the kid at the middle school lunch table who sits at one end of the table with all of his cool friends. You know, the Yankees, the Giants, the Phillies. The exclusive World Series Winning Gang is what they’re known by their peers. At the other end of the table sits the Cubs, a dweeby little kid who wears glasses so thick, it looks like he assembled two magnifying glasses over his eyes. Seriously, even Simon Birch would say this kid is a tiny little dork. You can just tell he isn’t going to make any friends until AT LEAST his sophomore year of college… at ITT Tech. Everyone just feels bad for him. Everyone except the Cardinals. What do they do? They walk up to this dweeby little Cubs kid and start teasing him. They make fun of his ratty old clothes, his zits, and his elastic waist band jeans. They rip on him for his Harry Caray glasses, his Dexter’s Labrotory digital wrist watch, and his inability to properly pronounce his R’s.

They mock him saying, “Are you going to win a World Series this year? Are mommy and daddy going to console you and say there’s always next year?” All the while, the rest of the World Series Winning Gang watches in disbelief. Whispering to each other, “Dude, this is so brutal! The Cubs’ parents just got a divorce!” But they do not do anything, because the Cardinals are “one of them.” They’re the Regina George of the bunch. Plus, they have enough neck tattoos to make Yadier Molina cringe. You don’t mess with someone in middle school who has neck tattoos. You only let them run their course. Cardinals continues with the bullying by pouring Cubs’ chocolate milk all over his head, like the he was a contestant on Nickelodeon’s Double Dare and the milk was slime. Even as Royals watches on, he thinks, “Man, I don’t even get it that bad.”

The bell rings. The kids go to their next class.

But the teasing doesn’t stop there.

Cardinals shoots spit balls at the back of Cubs’ head, repeats anything he says in a deeper and dopier sounding voice, and slaps KICK ME signs on his back.

The bell rings. The kids leave school to go home.

But the teasing doesn’t stop there.

In this day and age, cyber bullying is all the rage. Cardinals runs home and immediately logs onto AOL Instant Messenger (yeah, they still use AIM in St. Louis, which isn’t too surprising when you consider how many people still wear jorts there). Cardinals waits for Cubs to log on. The second he does, Cardinals bombards him with messages on AIM, berating him for always sucking.

Doug Pitt
This is Doug Pitt.

But I think you get my point. The Cardinals, one of the most storied franchises in the history of baseball, relentlessly mock the Chicago Cubs for being terrible. It’s like if Brad Pitt just consistently burned his less-successful, less-attractive brother, Doug Pitt.

But why do they do this? Because they’re mean-spirited and rotten people? Well, as long as you’re not a Cubs fan, then no. It’s actually quite the opposite. The people of St. Louis are very friendly, kind people. Almost too friendly. (Seriously, it gets a little creepy sometimes.) Midwestern Hospitality ranks right under Southern Hospitality in the rankings of Hospitalities. As you may have guessed, Middle Eastern Hospitality, University of Texas Hospitality and New York Subway Train Hospitality round out the bottom of the rankings.

Cardinals fans are super nice people. But they couldn’t give a rat’s tail (edited for nice Midwesterners) about your feel-good story. They want their Cardinals to win at all costs.

Allow me to explain.

2013: Pittsburgh Pirates

Pirates Loss
Lower the jolly roger.

This year, the St. Louis Cardinals defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates in the NLDS after the Pirates ended their 21-year postseason drought. Think about that. At the exact moment Sid Bream slid into home in 1992, your “Sid Bream” could’ve slid into home with your lady friend (if you catch my drift), thus creating a child nine months later. Fast forward to today, and you would be drinking with your son at the Pirates’ first postseason game since your Sid Bream forgot to wear a hat.

The Pirates hadn’t even had a winning season since 1992, so clearly, when they made it to the postseason, it warmed everyone’s hearts. Even the Reds thought it was a cool story and let them win to advance to the NLDS.

But the Cardinals decided to do more damage to the city of Pittsburgh than Bane. And they did.

2012: Atlanta Braves

2012 was a memorable year for the Atlanta Braves. It was the final season for their beloved third baseman, Chipper Jones. After 19 years, all with Atlanta, Chipper decided to call it quits. The entire 2012 season was dedicated to Chipper and his “farewell tour.” Atlanta wanted nothing more than to send him out with a World Series victory.

 

However, St. Louis wanted nothing more than to absolutely ravage the Braves and their hopes and all happiness everywhere in the world.

On any other year, the Atlanta Braves would’ve made the first round of the playoffs outright and would’ve had a 5-game series to test their fate. Not in 2012. This year was the first year of the MLB’s new second Wild Card team format, where two Wild Card teams would face off in a winner-takes-all, best of 1 game series.

Infield Fly
By rule, an infield fly doesn’t need to be in the infield. It just needs to be in the same county.

The Braves jumped out to an early lead, but the Cardinals answered back quickly. Yet the real story came in the bottom of the 8th inning, with the Braves trailing 6-3, Andrelton Simmons hit one of the deepest infield flies in the history of baseball. Seriously, this “infield fly” was hit steps away from the warning track. Ok, not seriously. I’m clearly exaggerating. It was deeper than that.

The call arguably diminished any hope for a Braves late game rally, and another feel-good story was murdered, with the Cardinal-red blood on the hands of St. Louis.

.

Also in 2012: Washington Nationals

Sad Nationals
Sad Nationals fans are sad.

The Washington Nationals, who used to be the Montreal Expos, have never come close to a World Series title. Well, unless you count the strike-shortned season of 1994. At the time the strike became official, the Montreal Expos had the best record in the Major Leagues. They never were able to match a season of success like that again… Until 2012. A name change, a new stadium, and a rookie frat bro outfielder later, the Washington Naxpos were back in business.

Until running into the St. Louis DREAM CRUSHERS!

After shutting down their ace pitcher, Stephen Strasburg, due to the dumbest decision EVER! an innings-limit, the Washington Nationals forced a Game 5 at their home park. The park was loud and only got louder when the Nationals jumped out to a 6-0 lead. Everyone in Washington D.C. could sense an NLCS birth was in their grasp. Even the government, because back then, it wasn’t shut down.

Just then, the Cardinals huddled up and asked each other, “Wait, is this Washington Nationals team a feel-good story?” They unanimously agreed before deciding to shatter any hope the Nationals had of advancing.

The Cardinals nearly evened the score at 6-5 before the 7th inning stretch. The Nationals even tacked on an insurance run in the bottom of the 7th to make it 7-5. But then the Cardinals stuck the proverbial knife in backs of the Nationals with a 4-run 9th inning.

The Nationals never recovered and finished 10 games back in the NL East this season, missing the playoffs completely. So basically, in a nutshell, the Cardinals are responsible for the government shutdown.

And yet again in 2012: New York Mets

Outside of appearances on Seinfeld, the Mets never do anything right. Except for this one day in 2012, when Mets ace pitcher Johan Santana pitched a no-hitter against the St. Louis Cardinals.

Well, clearly the Cardinals didn’t kill this feel-good story that night. They only waited to kill it the next morning after leading their local paper’s sports section with an asterisk:

Santana Asterisk
This feel-good story became a feel-shameful story once the paper came out.

A blown call kept Johan Santana’s no-hitter alive. So while New York was partying, St. Louis was the one calling the cops to bust the party up for being too loud.

But this wasn’t the first time the St. Louis Post-Dispatch used an asterisk.

2011: Texas Rangers

Let’s rewind to 2011. Game 6 of the World Series. The Texas Rangers are playing in their scond-ever World Series. The Cardinals are playing in their 768th. Rangers Manager Ron Washington, who just opened up about his regretful cocaine use a year earlier, had his team one game away from the World Series. The Cardinals, down to their last strike, would not go quietly into the night. A David Freese triple would tie the game up, sending the game into extra innings.

In the 10th inning, Josh Hamilton steps to the plate.

Hamilton Game 6 Home Run
He did it! He did it! He… didn’t do it.

Josh was not having the best of years. Statistically, he was fine. But off the field, he was not. Even Alexander from Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day would say Josh had it rough in 2011. All joking aside, Josh, who once abused every drink and drug available, has always been open about his rehab process, and fortunately was able to battle back into the big leagues after quitting the game altogether. So even with his dark past, the summer of 2011 proved to be darker. During a game, Josh tossed a ball up to a fan in the stands. The fan, a firefighter father who just so happened to be standing next to his young son, reached over the railing for the ball, lost his balance, and fell to his death. A horrific event that really effected Josh and the entire Texas Rangers organization.

In a tied potential series-clinching Game 6, Josh Hamilton blasts a 2-run, momentum killing home run at Busch Stadium. This is the way the MLB season was supposed to end. This was the perfect story. The perfect feel-good story. Right?

Wrong. This feel-good story went the way of fashionable haircuts at Blues games, gone and lost. All thanks to the Cardinals and their bottom of the 10th inning rally and Game 7 victory.

2006: Detroit Tigers

Cardinals Detroit Sign
No truer sign has ever been made.

Now, follow me back to 2006. The Cardinals are playing the Detroit Tigers in the World Series. There wasn’t really a feel-good story here, but a Cardinals victory led to a feel-bad story for Detroit, perpetually sending the city to bankruptcy and a life of prosperity and gloom.

That’s right. We can thank the Cardinals for the horrible state of the city of Detroit.

 

2003: Chicago Cubs

In 2003, the Cardinals weren’t even in the postseason. Yet, they still managed to destroy a feel-good story. One involving the Chicago Cubs. To make a long story short, Bartman was a Cardinals fan.

Steve Bartman Cardinal Fan
An enhanced, closer image of Steve Bartman’s sweatshirt shows where his allegiances truly lied.

2000: Tennessee Titans

Why stop there? Let’s go back to 1999-2000. Now, we all know the Cardinals sucked (read: juiced) in the 1990s, so they had a hard time killing feel-good stories. But their buddies down the street, the St. Louis Rams, didn’t. The Cardinals orchestrated the Rams to kill the feel-good story that was the Tennessee Titans.

Kevin Dyson Super Bowl 34
Linebacker Mike Jones was clearly a Cardinals fan.

In the 2000 NFL Playoffs, the Titans did the unthinkable. After multiple .500 or worse seasons, a franchise move, and multiple home cities (Houston, Memphis, Nashville) the Titans finally had their own stadium and a new identity. The team made it to the playoffs and won their Wild Card Game from what has been deemed the Music City Miracle. They went on to defeat to division rivals, the Colts and Jaguars, to win the AFC Championship. In their first official year with a new name, in their brand new home, the Titans were one win away from winning the Super Bowl. Trailing significantly at halftime, the Titans rallied back and conducted one last drive in the final seconds. But then, on the final play from scrimmage, Mike Jones, who I’m sure is a Cardinals fan, stopped Kevin Dyson one yard short of the end zone. Killing any hopes of Nashville becoming a championship-winning sports town.

But in hopes to spike their own economy, the Cardinals choked this feel-good story to death, causing Nashvillians to drink their sorrows away with Anheuser-Busch products.

They success comes at a cost. In St. Louis, they say success comes at a cost of others. If your team is writing their own feel good story and you have St. Louis on the schedule. Just go ahead and put the pen down. Especially you, Cubs.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

And also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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