REPORT: Roger Goodell Saw His Shadow, 6 More Weeks of Silence on NFL Hot Button Issues

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA — In what has become an annual tradition on February 2nd, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stepped into the spotlight yesterday for the first time in nearly a year. As tradition goes, if Goodell sees his shadow, it means we must go six more weeks of silence from the Commissioner on some of the league’s biggest hot button issues.

“Seems like he sees his shadow every year,” Gary Murdoch, a Goodell handler and NFL executive, said. “We keep him cooped up in his office all year, while occasionally taking him outside to games and stuff. I think he likes staying in and remaining silent.”

The tradition remains that if Goodell sees his shadow, they place him back in his office, and sweep pieces of paper with various hot button issues written on them under the rug. “It’s symbolic,” Murdoch said. Many people love to come out and celebrate the NFL and forget about any issues that help taint the sport.

“If we’re being honest, I can’t even remember what any of last season’s hot button issues were!” Douglas Jacobs, a Punxsutawney resident and NFL fan said. “Was it dog fighting? I seriously can’t remember. I just LOVE football! Woooo!”

Although, the results of the event don’t always sit well with many people.

“I come out to this event every winter, and I’ll tell you what, I’m tired of not having answers on things like domestic violence, player safety, DeflateGate, player arrests, brain trauma, the Redskins’ name, and pretty much everything else,” Jason Patterson, a Punxsutawney resident said. Patterson continued by saying that the six weeks always seem longer and longer every year.

Many NFL haters, like Patterson, believe Goodell will never see his shadow because he remains so invisible throughout the year, while others think he never sees his shadow because he’s “a soulless [expletive] [expletive] with a [expletive] [expletive].”

However, not all Punxsutawney residents believe in the tradition. “I don’t think Goodell seeing his shadow has anything to do with him remaining silent on hot button issues,” Punxsutawney resident Dave Lawson said. “He’s going to remain silent whether he sees his shadow or not.”

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

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