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Korked Bats

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Random Athlete of the Month – April

The April showers are almost gone.
The May flowers are almost here.
Which means the pilgrims are on their way.
But before all of that happens… there is one order of business that we must take care of.

Korked Bats’ Random Athlete of the Month for April.

Let’s get to it.

This month’s random athlete of the month is:

Merton Hanks

Some of you may not remember Merton. He doesn’t have that many distinguishable characteristics. None whatsoever. However, Merton played for a long time in the NFL.

Merton was never the fastest cornerback in the league, but he made his presence felt with 33 interceptions (returning 3 of them for touchdowns). Not to mention he lasted in the league for nearly a decade. He was drafted out of Iowa in 1991 by the San Fran 49ers and stayed with them until the end of the 1998 season. He spent his final season in 1999 with the Seattle Seahawks.

He currently has a photo of him playin at Iowa on eBay, but be ready to empty your pockets. This bad boy is going for 5 dollars and 99 cents. Not to mention the $5.50 shipping and handling charge.

Merton (I keep calling him by his first name, because how many football players do you know who are named Merton? Heck, how many PEOPLE do you know named Merton?) was a vital part in the 49ers Super Bowl XXIX champion team.

Any of that spark your memory?


Ok, I can’t put this off any longer. Merton is probably most remembered for his ridiculously long neck. Let’s stop kidding ourselves, the dude looks like E.T. in sholder pads.

However, if you think his is long… You oughta see his wife’s neck.

However, having a really long neck is not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, it has benefitted Merton more than you would probably think!

After many people thought he was washed up and that his career was finished, Merton continued to get numerous offers to play in The Bud Bowl every year.

He continued to turn those offers down ever year as he wanted to take his life in a new direction. Shortly after retiring, Merton landed a job as the main spokesman for Toys R Us.

It was long before Hollywood realized the talent he had. Not his football talent, but his neck talent. You may or may not remember Merton’s small cameo in the hit movie, Jurassic Park.

Ok, so maybe we are poking a little too much fun at Merton and his really long (understatement) neck. But his 11 1/4 inch neck (no exaggeration, his teammates measured it one day) did serve a really good purpose.

Merton had one of the greatest touchdown celebrations of all time. It was so great people gave it many different names, like “The Funky Chicken”, “The Duck”, “The Elmo” dance, “The Waddle”, “The Rag Doll”, and “The Rubberneck”. He looked like an ecstatic Jibber Jabber. I just imagined him making the same noise too.

I will now leave you with a small clip of Merton and his incredible spine snapping touchdown dance. Enjoy:

Congratulations Merton Hanks for being honored as Korked Bats’ April 2009 Random Athlete of the Month! If nothing else, you definitely proved a lot of people long when they said: “No one with a neck that long will ever amount to anything!” Well Merton, one Super Bowl ring and a Korked Bats RAM honor later, who’s laughing now?

Do you have a random athlete idea that you think should be next month’s Random Athlete of the Month? Leave a comment below and see if your random athlete will be next month’s Korked Bats’ Random Athlete of the Month!


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


One thought on “Random Athlete of the Month – April

  • Avatar
    May 1, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    I searched Google for “Austin touchdown dance” + “random” and I got brought to your studpid site. Leave Merton Hanks alone–he may be gawky, but you’re no spring chicken!


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