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Potential Head Coach Candidates For The Dallas Cowboys

Think of all of the things that have changed in the last 10 years. Spotify is currently reminding you that you used to listen to an artist named Taio Cruz, people on Facebook are reminding you what they looked like ten years ago (despite the fact no one asked), and hell, the sports world might’ve changed the most out of any of it.

LeBron James was still in Cleveland. For the first time.

Jim Harbaugh was still at Stanford where $8 pleated khakis are fashionably appropriate for “going out.”* (*-to the library)

And Manti Teo’s fake girlfriend was still alive… kinda.

Really the only thing that hasn’t changed over the last ten years is the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys: Jason Calvin Garrett. He’s actually been with the Cowboys since 2007, but first took over as an interim head coach in 2010.

To be honest, I actually have to give Jerry Jones credit for this hire. He was an early adopter to implementing A.I. into his coaching staff.

Don’t get me wrong. We’ve seen other robots come and go as head coaches in the NFL. Jim Caldwell was clearly bionic, and Jim Tomsula was the personified version of a cell phone that was dropped in a pool, but Jason Garrett has been the only artificial intelligence bot to survive them all.

However, like MS Dos, Linux, and Windows 95, all great operating systems come to an end, and it appears we’re living in the final days of Jason Garrett as head coach too. Like a robot, Jerry Jones has apparently become self aware and decided that Jason Garrett just isn’t getting the job done. About nine years after everyone else came to that realization. Better late than never, I guess?

You’re probably wondering just that. How has Jason Garrett kept his job this long? You might think that maybe Jason Garrett owns some incriminating photos of Jerry Jones, but to that I’d say anyone who has access to Google Image Search has incriminating photos of Jerry Jones. So that’s clearly not it.

My only guess is that Jerry Jones actually likes Jason Garrett, and it makes sense if you think about it.

Jerry Jones is really old. And really old people are really slow to learn new technology. And after they learn new technology, they are even slower to upgrade to even newer technology. And when they get frustrated with their current technology, they shake their fist in the air and usually yell something like, “This damn thing never works! I’m throwing it away!” But then they never do because they don’t want to learn an entirely new device.

Think about your grandma. It probably took you forever to teach her how to use an iPhone, and it’s for that reason why she still rocks an iPhone 4S somehow. Jerry Jones is the same way. It took him forever to finally get accustomed to Jason Garrett, and now that he finally has, he’s reluctant to move on to the Jason Garrett X, or the Jason Garrett X Pro. So when he gets frustrated with his current Jason Garrett, he’ll just shake his fist in the air and yell, “This damn thing never works! I’m throwing it away!” like he did a few weeks ago after the Patriots loss.

Only time will tell if he actually does.

However, if he does, I’ve put together a list of potential candidates that will fit the Cowboys mold perfectly. If Jerry Jones wants controllable robotic head coaches, then I have a few ideas.


T-1000

This is a decent pick. He’s a stern disciplinarian, he’s very sharp (or at least can be when he wants to be), and he’s able to make adjustments quickly and on the fly. The NFL is a copycat league and there’s no bigger copycat than the T-1000.

However, I’d warn Cowboys fans that if you thought it was hard to kill off Jason Garrett, it’d be even harder to kill off T-1000. You’d have to literally fire him… by lowering him into a vat of molten lava.

Chip

This guy is literally not quite human, but it’s ok, because neither was Jason Garrett.

I will say though, if you hire Chip, he will probably come as a package deal with Dr. Carson (Alan Thicke), who you can just make the defensive coordinator or something.

That Big Block Thing from Interstellar

This has to be the most technologically advanced operating system of any robot ever. Unfortunately for the Cowboys, however, Interstellar took place in the mid-21st century, so Jerry Jones may have to put up with a few more 7-9 seasons from Jason Garrett before be hires this giant Rubix cube.

Chappie

That’s Chappie.

Big Hero 6

Everything is bigger in Texas, right? Why not make the head coach bigger too?

Plus, he has the same body type as Andy Reid, so you have to assume he has some sort of football background… like maybe winning a Pass, Punt and Kick competition when you’re three times the size of the other kids in the contest. And you know he’ll have better clock management, by default.

Johnny 5

You really think I’d conduct a fake list of robot coaching candidates for the Dallas Cowboys and NOT include Johnny 5? Come on.

Number 5 is alive!

Ava from Ex Machina

Look, I’m all for female coaches in football, but given Jerry Jones affinity for his party bus, maybe hiring an attractive Alicia Vikander-looking robot as the Cowboys next head coach wouldn’t be the best move.

Bicentennial Man

I actually never saw this movie, so I can’t really add anything here.

Urban Meyer

Based on how he handled the entire Courtney Smith saga last year, it’s safe to say Urban Meyer is incapable of emotion and very robotic.

However, Urban did say he was done with coaching for good and he’s never given us any reason to believe he would lie.

Literally Anyone

This may seem harsh, but you could probably put a KitchenAid blender on the sidelines for the Cowboys and it could lead this team to a 7-9 record.


Look, these are merely suggestions. The Cowboys don’t have to take them seriously, but they might as well. Otherwise we’ll probably just end up with Dallas Cowboys head coach Ron Rivera or something.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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