ARRRGuably The Worst Team In Baseball

Does your favorite baseball team suck? Well, don’t hang your head down low, at least you’re not a Pirates fan.

The Pittsburgh Pirates are well on their way to their 18th straight losing season. (Yes, I know it’s still April, but let’s be honest with ourselves, there is a better chance of Tim Tebow taking the Lord’s name in vein than the Pirates have of finishing with an above .500 winning percentage.)  That’s more consecutive losing seasons than any team… In any sport. I would feel sorry for Pittsburgh fans, but then again, they have the Super Bowl 43 Champion Steelers and the 2009 Stanley Cup Champion Penguins.

So instead I am going to rip on their baseball team. Their team that is so terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, that even Alexander is laughing at them.

The Pirates have averaged 68.1 wins a season this decade. For all you non-baseball fans, that’s not good. In fact, that’s pitiful.

However, as bad as things are in Pittsburgh for the Pirates, they are only worse in Milwaukee.

No, not for the Brewers, still for the Pirates. If you thought the Pirates had a hard time winning at PNC Park, they have an even worse time winning at Miller Park. (Note: While I’m writing this the Pirates are on a 2-game winning streak at Miller Park) In their past 24 games in Milwaukee, the Pittsburgh Pirates are 2-22. A record that nearly matches my record in Intermural Soccer. However, most of this record is a product of last year’s team. Let’s stop living in the past. Let’s only focus on this year’s team.

The Brewers and Pirates have met 6 times this season. 3 times in Pittsburgh, 3 times in Milwaukee. Let’s recap the scores of these games:

Milwaukee – 8

Pittsburgh – 1

• • •

Milwaukee – 8

Pittsburgh – 0

• • •

Milwaukee – 20*

Pittsburgh – 0

*- Not a typo.

• • •

Pittsburgh- 3

Milwaukee – 17

• • •

Pittsburgh- 7

Milwaukee – 3

• • •

Pittsburgh- 6

Milwaukee – 5


• • •

Let’s tally up those results.

Pittsburgh – 17

Milwaukee – 61

So in the 2010 season, the Milwaukee Brewers are outscoring the Pittsburgh Pirates 61 to 17. With 13 of those runs coming in the last two games. That’s even a blowout for the sport of football. Talk about walking the plank. (Sorry, I promise that will be my only pirate pun in this post, matey.) (Sorry again. That’s the last one, I promise.)

The Brewers aren’t even THAT good of a team. I mean, have you seen their mascot? The guy goes down a slide when a home run is hit. With the exception of the plot to Fargo, you shouldn’t be intimidated by anything in Minnesota.

All I’m saying is that the Pirates should perform better than they have been against the Milwaukee Brewers everyone. But hey, look at the bright side, 13 runs in the past 2 games? In these two games, the Pirates have scored more runs than their average attendance.

The Pittsburgh Pirates are the most disappointing pirates since Pirates of the Caribbean 3.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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