PED Distributors Report To Spring Training
ARIZONA/FLORIDA — As the temperature rises, baseball season begins to take full swing. Teams are well under way in spring training drills and exhibition games, and as of Monday morning, all PED distributors have reported to camp as well.
PED distributors were greeted with smiles, hugs, and even a few secret handshakes. Many players admitted that it doesn’t quite feel like baseball season until you get that first shot in the butt.
Due to the work load it takes to prepare for a seasons, usually pitchers and catchers report to spring training first, then position players, and then it rounds out with the PED distributors.
“We usually give them a few weeks of regular spring training before we show up, that way they can see how much they suck without PED’s,” MLB’s leading PED Distributor Shady Rivers said. “Plus, we really needed a few extra weeks off after football season. The Seattle Seahawks worked us pretty hard this year.”
The biggest question every year is what PED distributors will make the active rosters. After last year, some household names in the world of PED distributors may not be back this season. “I’m really going to have to fight for a job this season. Especially after how I screwed up last year,” said Ethan Swells, Ryan Braun’s main PED distributor said. “These clubs want steroids that won’t show up in a drug test. I feel like I’ll be able to do a better job of that than I did last season.”
Despite his screwup last season, many scouts call Swells a “five-tool player,” because he has five different tools to extract steroids out of a player’s piss. “If one doesn’t work, he just moves on to the next one,” PED distributor scout Phil “Tiny” Testie said. “It’s really something. Teams are just going to have to look past his down year last year and expect great things from this kid.”
However, not everyone is always thrilled for the arrival of the PED distributors. “Frankly, I hate it when those guys show up,” said an anonymous MLB equipment manager.
Equipment managers are forced to resize hats and jerseys because players come to them a few weeks later saying their uniforms no longer fit. “Plus, we get a lot of broken equipment all around the clubhouse. Guys will flip out over the smallest things and either fight each other or break stuff.” our anonymous equipment manager said. “They just make our jobs harder by making our to do list larger.”
“But that’s what we do. We make everything larger,” Shady Rivers said in response to the anonymous equipment manager’s claim.
“Well, almost everything,” Rivers continued, while adjusting his crotch.
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