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Only Things That’ll Survive An Apocalypse Are Cockroaches And Pete Rose Signing Autographs At Memorabilia Stores

Coronavirus, shmaronavirus. You will never find Pete Rose social distancing himself from a Sharpie and a laminated photo of himself. That’s what he does. He signs things. Just give the man some gloves, a mask, and a foldable card table and he’ll autograph his way through any global pandemic.

Not to speak ill of the dead inside, but if Adam Sandler’s character in Uncut Gems played sports, he would be Pete Rose.

This man has become more synonymous with seedy memorabilia shops than he has baseball diamonds. It’s gotten to the point where seeing him sitting just inside the door of a Hibbett Sports with his mono-colored Reds flat bill and a pen in hand has become more natural than seeing an old photo of him hitting a baseball. Pete racked up 4,256 hits in his career, but he signs that many baseballs per day.

We all know every great athlete has an iconic logo. You’ve got Jordan…

Shaq…

Griffey…

…and here’s Rose.

Take a nice look around your house, because before you know it, every item in there will eventually have Pete Rose’s signature on it. That’s the rate we’re heading. Real talk: is his autograph even worth anything anymore if everyone has one? In fact, raise your hand if you have something autographed by Pete Rose.

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When are we going to change the name of someone’s signature from their John Hancock to their Pete Rose? Oh, so he signed the Declaration of Independence? Big whoop. Pete Rose has signed literally everything else.

Also, I love how this photo was posted a day after he was accused of corking his bat in the ’80s.

First off, we’re always in favor of players corking their bats. Especially if they kork them with a k. Second, you think this accusation is going to phase Chuck Hustle?

From the New York Post:

Joe Jammer, then an Expos groundskeeper and now a musician in London, told the Gazette in a telephone interview, “Pete Rose would have his bats corked in the visitors’ clubhouse at Olympic Stadium. I found out he was corking bats. …

“Pete was too smart to deal with Expos equipment manager John Silverman (to cork his bats in the Expos’ clubhouse). So Bryan Greenberg, who worked in the visitors’ clubhouse, did it. He took me into a room, a door to the left, and underneath tarps there was this machine.”

Joe Jammer? Yeah, like that’s a real name. I would call B.S. if this didn’t sound so believable. You mean to tell me that the guy who has spent his entire retired life in every baseball card shop on the Las Vegas strip might have done some shady things in his career ON TOP of the gambling he admittedly did?

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Shhhhhhawwwwker.

Just know that in these uncertain times when everything feels out of whack and nothing seems normal, just know, that somewhere out there, Charlie Hustle is signing a poster of himself. Rain, shine, or COVID-19.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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