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Only Cheat Well

I have been thinking a lot about this article ever since I read it.  Seven Rules to make your cheating more successful.  I can’t help but think at how useful this article could have been while I was in the prime of my cheating career.  I used to cheat so bad at Battleship and Candyland that my family members wouldn’t play board games with me.  I was really good at cheating on math tests in the fifth grade until one fateful day when my super rude teacher caught me.  Heads Up, Seven Up.  Forget it.  I was looking at people’s shoes as they walked by me to tap on my finger.  I was also really good at sneaking extra books out of the library.  Man, what a rush.  Thanks for nothing Ms. Reesenburg.  I’ll take TWO Nancy Drew books home with me tonight if it’s the last thing I do.

Why do I tell you all of this?

Because.  It is important for everyone to know that Mr. Andy Staples makes a good point in his article.  If you are going to be a sneaky cheat, at least be the best sneaky cheat you possibly can.  You can take Mr. Staples advice on and off the football field or the basketball court.  I have actually thought of just a few more rules to make your cheating experience a little more effective.

Once again, you can find the first seven tips, in this article.

8.  Always carry mints. I don’t know what it is, but nobody likes to talk to anyone with bad breath.  And when you are cheating there is a chance that you will want to be quiet and or in a state of whispering.  Guess what.  No one can keep a secret about someone with bad breath.  They will tell their best friend and they’ll be all like, “I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about this super secret meeting where the Oregon Ducks head football coach gave me one bazillion dollars, but promise you won’t say anything and I’ll tell you about how bad this guys breath was.”  And then that person goes to their best friend and says, “I just got done talking with Jimmy and he told me not to say anything, but I’m just going to tell you and you won’t say anything right? So, the head coach of the Ducks offered Jimmy one bazillion dollars to come play football and Jimmy kind of wants to, but he isn’t sure… anyways, the guy’s breath smelled like a tuna farm.”  Nope.  Had you had a mint, nobody would have had anything to talk about.  You would have gotten a new football player and no one would have ever known about your secret money distribution.

9.  If you are a narcoleptic or a sleep-talker, don’t cheat. You can not always control who is around when you fall asleep and what you will dream about.  You never know when the NCAA police are watching and or listening.  They are kind of like Santa Clause.  They know when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.

10.  Pay for EVERYTHING in Cash. While you are at it, also get your friends and family to start calling you CASH.  This is a benefit for multiple reasons.  The name stands out.  Not many people have the nerve to name their baby CASH.  Also, it’s the most helpful to get your new name tatooed onto your back.  Preferably in a place that others can see and know who they are messing with.  If you can get this going, it will help to remind you to always have cash handy for when the last minute cheat happens.  You don’t want to be caught looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.*

Please only cheat if you are in the NCAA. Otherwise these lists could go on forever.

*It’s important to know that once you have convinced people to call you Cash, it is much easier to get a job at Taco Bell.  Unsure of the exact reason for now, but it has been tested and proved. At least at the Taco Bell down the street from my house.

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