Nick Saban’s Full Toast At His Daughter’s Wedding
If there’s one thing Nick Saban loves, it’s football. If there’s two things he loves, it’s football and… ummm… his daughter, I guess?
Nick Saban’s daughter got married years ago, but this video of Nick Saban giving a toast at the wedding has been making the rounds.
First off: why is Bill Belichick there? I have a couple of theories.
- Belichick crashed the wedding. The wedding took place in a team hotel during the season, and the Hoodie wandered his way downstairs into the ballroom. When he saw it was a wedding, he ran back up to his room and put on his “crashing weddings suit” and returned to the party where he drank for free, danced, and even caught the garter.
- Belichick was the groom. We know Nick Saban has high standards for his recruits and his players, so you know he has just as high standards for his daughter and her husband. The only man who comes close to meeting those standards would be William Stephen Belichick. Not that Bill needs another ring or anything.
- Belichick was there to film the wedding. We all know how much Bill likes to film things. At this point, he might even have his own videography company. “We do weddings, bar-mitzvahs, and league championship games!”
- Belichick and Saban are good friends and he was invited to the wedding. This is the most reasonable theory, but also the most boring.
The second biggest thing I took away from that toast was the same thing Jessica did in her tweet. The fact that Saban talked about his daughter as if she was a 5-star recruit. He literally said, “She has a tremendous grit about her.”
Honestly though, if she didn’t have a tremendous grit about her, Saban probably wouldn’t be in attendance. He would’ve been on the road in the living room of a recruit who DID have tremendous grit about him… or her.
If you’re like me, you’re somewhat bummed you didn’t get to see the entire speech. The video above only showed a little snippet of the toast. So what else did Saban say in his speech about his little girl? Don’t worry. Using advanced historical and analytical data, I’ve written out the rest.
This is what I imagine Saban said in his toast at his daughter’s wedding… behind a podium with a 20oz. bottle of Coca-Cola sitting on it.
Can I have everyone’s attention please? I’d like to say a few words before we get into this delicious food and then throw it all up on the dance floor. I see you back there, Mike Gundy.
I just wanted to say a little something about my Little Kristen, who I love only slightly more than my Little Debbie.
My sweet Kristen. Look at you. My little girl is all grown up. She’s married, and she’s even got the ring to prove it. You always did take after your daddy. Although, you’re only on your first ring. I’ve got six. Seven if you count the one I got from Miss Terry. Stand up and wave to everyone, honey!
I remember the day you were born. Heck, it feels like yesterday. I was scheming blitz packages for a game against Illinois. Miss Terry called me and told me you were born. I’ll never forget what I said next, “Nice.” Then I immediately hung up the phone, hopped in my car, and drove to practice. We beat Illinois that week, 34-10.
Heck, I remember when you were still in mommy’s tummy. I would press my hand against her stomach and felt you kicking. Nervously I’d ask Miss Terry what that was, and she would explain to me that it was you kicking. To be honest, I still don’t fully understand what that meant because I have no idea what a kicker is.
How about that time we took your training wheels off?
And then we took the bike tires off too. Remember?
We needed those tires for a new drill we were doing during two-a-days. The drill went great. Thanks for letting us use those, by the way. I don’t think I ever thanked you for that. And by the look on your face, I’m guessing I never even told you that I was the one who took your bike tires off.
Remember how you always wanted to be an actress? I always supported you in those dreams. You wanted to be the next Jennifer Aniston, and I wanted you to be the next Hayden Panettiere from Remember The Titans, mainly so you could help me execute the perfect offense to go against either a 4-3 or a 3-4 defense.
In fact, I’ll never forget your elementary school play of Wizard of Oz where you were cast as Dorothy, I think. Right? Or were you Toto? All I remember is you being great and bouncing out at intermission to catch the second half of a recruit’s high school game in the next town over. He put up over 250 yards rushing and 3 touchdowns that game, along with 3 catches for 76 yards. It was also an incredible performance. I offered him a scholarship on the spot.
You know, we are really, really proud of Kristen. She has been a blessing in our life. She has a tremendous spirit, a tremendous grit about her that you just have to love. She runs a 5.7 forty, which I admit, is a little slow for my liking, but what she lacks in speed, she makes up for in toughness. I mean, remember when she docked her sorority sister in her face? That’s the kind of fight I look for in my players. And children.
Kristen has always been hard-nosed, tenacious, with a high motor. She’s got incredible moxie, she’s a student of the game, and she has tremendous character. At the point of contact, she keeps a wide-base, she delivers through the hit, keeps her head up, and finishes strong.
But ya know what, I better stop talking. Steve Sarkisian is giving me that look like he wants to get back to the open bar immediately. I know a lot of you have asked me to extend the hours of the open bar, but I’m not going to, SO QUIT ASKIN’!
But please, join me in raising a glass to this extraordinary couple. My sweet daughter, Kristen, and her husband… Lane Kiffin!
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