Stay Up To Speed With Our NFL Free Agency Updates

NFL Free Agency is underway, and we here at Korked Bats will provide your one-stop-shop for all your news and updates from the league.

• Houston Texans put together a quarterback depth chart reminiscent to the Island of Misfit Toys, by signing Ryan Mallett and Brian Hoyer. The New York Jets called the move, “So dang lucky!!”

• Carolina Panthers release DeAngelo Williams after realizing it’s no longer 2008.

• New Orleans Saints released next season’s playoff hopes.

• Sources say the Manning family has agreed to release Cooper to free up cap space.

• Reports are coming in that the New England Patriots are currently shopping quarterback Tom Brady.

• Wait, nevermind. Those reports are just stating that Tom Brady is currently shopping.

• Cleveland Browns signed Josh McCown. That should be the answer.

• Indianapolis Colts sign a beard trimmer to help Andrew Luck.

• Jake Locker has announced his retirement from football. Sources say he’s suffered severe head trauma from four years of banging his head against the wall over playing for the Tennessee Titans’ franchise.

• Danny Amendola decides to stay with the New England Patriots, after realizing every other team in the league only uses short white guys to run on the field to grab the kicking tee after kickoffs.

• Dez Bryant was given the franchise tag from the Dallas Cowboys. After further review, Dez just can’t catch a break.

• Kansas City Chiefs have signed Jeremy Maclin.

• Jeremy Maclin has released all future career touchdown catches.

• Seattle Seahawks trade for Jimmy Graham, who is often referred to as the best red zone and goal line receiver in the NFL.

• Sources say the Seattle Seahawks are also looking for a solid red zone and goal line running back.

• Denver Broncos sign Owen Daniels to pair up with their Owen One playoff record last season.

• New York Jets sign Ryan Fitzpatrick with plans to probably cut him in a year or two.

• Oakland Raiders sign Malcolm Smith. “Why does that name sound familiar?” you ask. Malcolm Smith was the MVP of Super Bowl XLVIII. “No, the other name,” you say. Oh, ummm… Well, the Oakland Raiders are on of the NFL’s 32 teams.

• Ndamukong Suh finally put his foot down and signed with the Miami Dolphins.

• Detroit Lions released Reggie Bush, after he failed to help them win the 2005 BCS National Championship too.

• San Francisco 49ers re-signed Blaine Gabbert to a 2-year contract extension, after GM Trent Baalke admitted, “I like big busts and I cannot lie.”

• The most impressive signing so far has been the Detroit Lions signing Haloti Ngata, because that’s a really hard name to spell.

• New York Jets agree to terms with guy who has season tickets in the 4th row. Quarterback Geno Smith is excited for the signing as that guy led the team in catches last season.

• Indianapolis Colts have cut Trent Richardson, allowing him to re-sign with his first professional team, Alabama.

• Indianapolis Colts cut Trent Richardson because they realize he won’t be able to help them make a run for the Super Bowl, unless the Super Bowl is within two-and-a-half yards away.

• Christian Ponder has signed a contract with the Oakland Raiders. This gives Ponder his first completion in years.

• Blaine Gabbert has already thrown six interceptions since re-signing with the San Francisco 49ers.

• Philadelphia Eagles have picked up Sam Bradford, Ryan Mathews, and Kiko Alonso, which makes you wonder if they’re putting together a football team or a hospital.

• A kid riding his bike out front of the Philadelphia Eagles facilities fell and scraped his knee pretty bad, the Eagles then offered him a 2-year deal.

• Reports from NFL insiders claim running back Darren McFadden injured himself while re-signing with the Dallas Cowboys. He is listed as doubtful.

• Tampa Bay Buccaneers released the designer of their new uniforms.

• Based on offseason moves, the ’49’ on the San Francisco 49ers helmets now stands for how many players they lost this offseason.

• Tennessee Titans agree to terms with Brian Orakpo, mainly just to ask him how they can save 15% or more on their car insurance.

• Buffalo Bills agreed to terms with Jarius Wynn, proving to the Washington Redskins that you CAN buy Wynn’s.

• Jacksonville Jaguars have already agreed to terms with 14 punters.

• The Washington Redskins thought NFL Free Agency was next week, they blame their mistake on Daylight Savings Time.

• Sure the Washington Redskins got a late start to Free Agency, but I’m pretty sure they made up for it by signing Colt McCoy.

• Oakland Raiders signed Trent Richardson because Raiders.

• The Philadelphia Eagles have signed all the rest of the free agents.

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

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