New Mascot Ideas: Fake Robots, Monster Trucks, And Bald Guys

The other day I was stopped at a gas station and I saw something that got me thinking. You know those people that paint themselves all silver and stand still on the side of the road waiting for the right person to walk by? And when they do, they make their slow robotic moves and lure the unsuspecting tourists to take a picture with them and give them a dollar. Well, I saw one of those fake robots at the gas station. It was like being eight years old and seeing your third grade teacher at JC Pennys. What were they doing out of the school? Why were they wearing jeans? Why were they not grading papers or asking you to stay in your seat? All I know was that the robot at the gas station in full silver body and clothes paint was smoking a cigarette. Not safe, Robot. But also, this guy could be missing out on his dream career of getting more then one dollar a picture. Using his skills for dancing and getting large audiences of strangers pumped up on a larger scale. You catching my drift?

Colleges need replica-robot mascots. They could be the mascots for any school that was ready to get down and robotic. Or schools that have been asked to change their mascot because they replicate minorities offensively. We’re looking at you, Duke, and your racially insensitive ‘Blue’ Devils mascot.

I would also think it would be a good idea to see how many theater buffs there are in the world of football if the mascot for a school was the green witch from Wicked. She could sing cheers and get lifted up into the rafters and still sing notes that most dogs can only hear. This lady is usually painted a bright shade of green, so she would make the most sense to a predominately good looking team, preferably the Oregon Ducks or Portland State Vikings.

She doesn’t always ride a broom around, but it’s more theatrical and a quicker way to get from point A to point B.  There will never be an empty seat in the house as long as theater members know that the Wicked Witch is going to be at the next home game, singing the national anthem and then a song or two during half time or between the commercial breaks.

Now, this last mascot change is not necessary, but we need to start targeting children for new sports fans. We need them to think of sports. They need to be hooked on a team by constant stimulation by the age of eight. They need to be living and (figuratively) dying with every win and loss by the age of 12. And if they get their driver’s permit without a tattoo of their team’s logo on the back of their shoulder blade, well, we’ve failed them as a society. This all starts with getting down on their kid-like brain level. And for that we reach out to a few standouts.

Hamm. (Two m’s on purpose.) Smart guy. Plays cards. Is a realist at heart. He could easily be a shoo-in for some sort of pork type mascot, that is looking to be contemporary and relevant.

I would cheer for the team with a monster truck for a mascot.  I don’t know what self-respecting American wouldn’t. Calm down, I’m fully aware that I have a primarily American readership. Go Monster Trucks! It just has a good ring to it. Something that nobody wants to mess with. Just a Monster Truck flying through the air, leaving dust for a trail. Respect the power.

Speaking of respecting the power, this guy.  This guy is the answer to any football game lacking a mascot to run around getting people ready to cheer. This guy should sell marketing space for this gigantic head of his. He kind of looks like SHREK, which will instantly get people to love him. He does have Ogre ears. He looks like he is cheering for his home team, but with a little amount of financial backing, I think it would be easy to get his face different colors, depending on who and what got kicked out of the party last year. Giving a new mascot a chance will mean that you will probably be ridiculed for the rest of your life for making “changes.”  But maybe one of these new ideas will soften the blow.

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